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Coming out to my father -- Advice appreciated

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by TheMusicMan, Aug 23, 2007.

  1. TheMusicMan

    TheMusicMan Guest

    Hello, everyone. I'm new here and found this website somehow while searching for information on coming out. Anyway, here's a little about my background.

    I'm 19. I'm a sophomore at college right now and am also gay. I've told most of my friends (though not every last one of them), but no family so far. Firstly, I should point out that I don't plan right now on ever telling my mother, as she's (brace yourselves) a Fundamentalist Christian. Fortunately, my parents have been divorced since I was very young and I haven't lived with her for years. We haven't even talked for several months, even. It's not that we don't get along, it's just that we slowly, for some unspoken reason, haven't kept in touch.

    Anyway, that's not what this is about. Back to the subject. I've got issues with telling people I'm gay in the first place, so even considering telling my dad spooks the daylights out of me. I suppose the reason I have a hard time telling people right out is that I don't want to portray myself as a sexually active person -- people think homosexual and often can't help but dwell on the "sexual" suffix, I've noticed. I've never been with anyone -- and quite frankly, I don't know if I would be prepared to take on any kind of relationship, let alone anything dealing with sex. So, as a result, I've put telling my dad onto the backburner for a few years now.

    Now that I'm 19, though, I think it's probably time to address the issue. My brother moved out just a few months ago, so now I'm the only kid left in the coop with my dad. My dad deserves to know, and I kind of feel ashamed for not having told him sooner. I mean, I'm not overtly flaming, but I definitely don't conform to typical straight-guy behavior. I'm a music major and have never brought home a girlfriend (nor even mentioned girls), if that gives any hint of my sexuality. I'm pretty sure he must have some clue by now, almost positive he does. However, I think I need to let him know once and for all so he doesn't have to feel left out of his son's life. I am fairly certain he'll react positively, too. I've never heard him discuss anything about the LGBT community around me, although he is a registered democrat and seems to favor liberal views, leading me to believe he's got a pretty open mind about that kind of thing. As a matter of fact, he even told me once that Dennis Kucinich was a favorite candidate of his for the '08 Vote (who happens to be one of the few candidates that champions gay marriage).

    The big questions for me are when and how. I've had very little experience with telling people face-to-face. Most of my coming out to friends has been by means other than in-person: instant messaging, a note, telling only if I'm asked by them, etc. Now that I want to let my dad know, I'm faced with the dilemma of trying to identify when the right time is. I don't really know that there will ever be a time when I'm fully confident to do it, since he's never in foul mood, so I guess any time is as good as any, at least for him. I just can't seem to muster up the strength to finally bring it up. Regardless, the sooner I get this done, the sooner I'll feel a lot better about my relationship with my dad, something that has felt mildly strained for years due to my not telling him sooner.

    The second question, how, is also a matter of concern. I know that most everyone advises a face-to-face experience, but I have very little experience with this method, and I think it'd be much easier if I did it another way. My dad and I are both men of few words when we talk to one another. I'd probably feel much more comfortable if I took the time to put my thoughts onto paper -- I've always been more adept at writing than speaking about my sexuality -- and left it somewhere for him to see once he wakes up some morning. That would be a relatively low-stress, low-risk way to do it, right? Some might say it's the coward's way out, though. On the other hand, I don't really think I'd be missing out on any really important revelation in-person that I couldn't otherwise resolve by writing a letter. What are the pros and cons of the letter method? Am I overlooking any kind of looming disaster or other drawback by leaning toward this option? Are there any other possible options I should consider?

    I've made it a goal to do this relatively soon for a variety of reasons. Mainly, my 20th birthday is coming up in a few months, and I want to look at this as one of the closing chapters to my teenage years -- reaffirming the bond between me and my father after years of letting the closet get in the way. Any advice or feedback is much appreciated. Also, if you'd like more information about my situation that I may have forgotten to provide, feel free to ask. :slight_smile:

    ~TheMusicMan

    P.S.: Has anyone else been in a similar situation? If so, do share. :slight_smile:
     
  2. LorenzG1950

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    Hi and welcome MusicMan :welcome: ,

    Telling your dad in person is preferable to a letter but ultimately, you have to decide what method you feel most comfortable with. I came out to my family via letter (because they live in the USA) and it went extremely well. I wrote about 5 pages and went through numerous revisions until I finally hit the send button.

    You are an excellent writer so you should have no problem. It helps to sleep on your draft at least for one night, then fine tune it the next day.

    As for the timing, pick a day when your dad is not stressed (going off to work) or when he’s preoccupied with other issues or people. A Friday night after a relaxed dinner might be good when you have your privacy and don’t have to rush off to some appointment. Get ready for lots of questions.

    It takes a lot of guts to come out to a parent but I think you’re doing the right thing. There are plenty of folks here who have successfully told their parents. Check out the Coming Out threads and you will find a lot of encouraging stories.

    Hope it goes well for you and let us know how it went :smilewave .
     
  3. beckyg

    beckyg Guest

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    MusicMan,

    I think writing a letter is fine. I would definitely choose a time that you and your dad might be able to talk afterward and write in your letter that you are willing to talk about it afterward. I would also write that you are not sexually active. Believe me, as a parent, that would be a great comfort to me. It's something not to deal with right at the moment. Tell your Dad you are waiting for the right person to come along. I think your Dad is going to be very proud of you. :slight_smile: Like you said he's a liberal thinker. I think he's going to be okay and it will only strengthen your relationship.