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Confusion

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Taurusguy92, Jan 27, 2010.

  1. Taurusguy92

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    Ok... this is going to be very difficult for me to do especially since it's about 1 AM and I'm still trying to figure it out exactly so I apologize in advance if it seems idk... weird. Well here goes.

    I guess this journey kind of begins with my introduction into the world of anime/manga. I know this may seem like an odd place to start but it will make sense. As most people who read or watch this know... there's a lot of "inappropriate imagery" in them mostly of women (no offense is meant at all). Because I was exposed to this at such a young age (5th grade) I became used to seeing that so when I became older and all the guys my age were always talking about this girl is so hot and such I just kind of shrugged and didn't really care. As I grew older (freshman yr of H.S.) I began to find myself looking up things I shouldn't have online. Sure... I thought the girls were attractive, but then I began to notice I was looking at the guy also. I of course started wondering why and at first didn't think much of it. As time went on I noticed that I was looking more and more at the guys and eventually started watching more but let's just say the girls had been replaced with guys. I've been watching that for a while now and haven't really gone back. Although I do have a girlfriend and I'm still attracted to girls, but I've found my mind wandering when I look at guys also. I've never been with a guy either so I'm not entirely sure what that is like. I'm still not sure what I should do. I've only told a couple of people and they're trying to help me, but if you guys/girls could help also that would be great. Thank you and I look forward to some feedback.

    P.S. Sorry for making it so long, I've been told I'm very thoughtful and I always think very carefully about what I'm going to say before I do
     
  2. Filip

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    First of all, don't apologise for making this long. I don't think it is long, really, and it's always nice to have extra background.

    I think that when everyone of us looks back at what we saw and were interested in, even from a very young age, it's easy to see signs that the interests we turned out having were there on some level all along.
    I read a lot of comics at a very young age (not necessarily known for realistic depictions of women either :wink:) Some would say that the unrealistically drawn women in comics desensitised me to real-life women and "converted me", but I believe that I always was more interested in guys anyway, and that I just now see the signs in little things from the past.

    As for what to do: don't feel pressured to do anything. Even if you discover that you aren't straight, that is just a new facet of your personality. Liking guys doesn't come with added requirements on how to live your life. It doesn't mean you now need to find a boyfriend in addition to (or as replacement of) your girlfriend.
    Speaking for myself, my life before and after realising I was gay isn't all that much different. I just know better what I want in a partner.

    So you just discovered you like guys as well. The "porn test" of what turns you on doesn't usually lie. Trying it out in real life is not really necessary to know what you're attracted to, just like you don't need to date every girl out there to know what you like in a girl. If you love your girlfriend, and want to stay with her, then it's definitely best not to act on it in real-life anyway. On the other hand, don't feel pressured to remain in a relationship with your girlfriend if you no longer feel you love her either.

    I don't think you should label yourself just yet. You're busy discovering this. It could be that you discover you like guys and girls more or less equally, which would mean that you're bisexual. It might even be that you discover that over time you gravitate more towards liking guys, which would make you mostly gay. But there are many places on the continuĆ¼m from straight to gay, and everyone fits somewhere.
    Unfortunately, there isn't a miracle way of figuring it all out. A period of confusion is inevitable. All you can do is allow your thoughts to wander and find out where your mind takes you. Clarity comes with time.

    Does your school have a GSA or similar organisation? If there is, it might help to talk to people active in that, or go to a meeting. Groups like these tend to be pretty open to all and there are going to be people there who went through the same thing. Talking to them could be enlightening!

    I hope this does help a bit?
     
    #2 Filip, Jan 27, 2010
    Last edited: Jan 27, 2010
  3. Chip

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    Filip's given you some great advice and insight.

    The points he's already made that I'll emphasize:

    -- Take your time. Very few people go from becoming aware that they might be attracted to same-sex people to completely understanding where they are in the spectrum without a fair amount of time (sometimes weeks, sometimes months, sometimes longer) of contemplation.

    -- Sexual orientation isn't binary or even trinary. It's a continuum. 90% of the population is somewhere on the continuum, rather than at either end. You're likely part of that 90%. So you're no different than the majority of people. Just need to take some time to figure out where on that continuum you fall.

    -- Nothing to be ashamed of in feeling attracted to guys, masturbating to them, or wanting to be with them. And no pressure or time table for deciding if you want to try being with a guy either.

    Couple other thoughts:

    One thing that I do suggest is this: if you normally masturbate while watching porn, try *not* watching porn, and masturbating while just letting your mind wander. See what you think about, what sort of images come to mind, Don't try to make one or another type of image come up, and don't judge what does come up, just observe and experience it, and how it makes you feel. That will likely help you understand more clearly where your attractions lie.

    -- Love and caring and sexual attraction aren't necessarily the same. There are people I love dearly, who are wonderful friends that I feel strongly about, but I am not sexually attracted to them. And there are people that I can lust after or feel sexual attraction to, that I don't feel love for. My point in saying this is, your girlfriend may be someone you have strong emotional feelings for, but don't have sexual attraction to. If that's the case, all it means is, you have someone that can be an amazing friend that you feel incredibly close to, but that might not be the person you eventually fall in love with. People who are emotionally healthy often have both wonderful friends that they're very close to, and romantic relationships that are also close.

    It's definitely hard sorting through all these feelings, and harder still when it's new and you're unsure what it all means. EC is an amazing community of people and i think if you spend some time here you'll find it an invaluable source of support and information and caring.

    Also, please feel free to message me or any of the other advisors if you'd like to talk in a less public forum about things.

    Please keep us up to date on what's going on for you!
     
  4. adam88

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    Thanks for finding the words to get this out. :slight_smile:

    Both Chip and Filip offer good advice- admitting that you like dudes is a great first step. It took me a long time to get those words out. Now that you've acknowledged that, take it slow and find out to what extent. Then you can start considering the possibility of coming out to more people - but there's no pressure to do so, and anyone here will tell you that it's best to not even consider coming out until the time is right for you and you feel comfortable doing so.

    On the plus side, you have a ten-year head start on me, so at least you're more honest with yourself than I was with myself. :wink:
     
  5. Zumbro

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    I wish I could say more to help, but they've pretty much got it covered. Take your time, and don't feel pressured to do anything.

    Don't feel bad about hentai either, if that's what it was. They make it, which means people watch it. Heck, you could even find gay hentai if you really wanted. The Japanese don't seem to have any inhibitions about anything (have you seen their gameshows?:eek: ) so, I'm sure there's plenty of it. Same goes for live-action porn too. Just have fun with it, and be safe.
     
  6. adam88

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    Yaoi. :wink: Funny thing is, it's written mostly for straight girls. Hmm...
     
  7. Taurusguy92

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    Thank you all so much. I'll try some of your advice and see what happens. Also I apologize for using all the euphemisms for things I just didn't want to sound inappropriate for the younger members.

    Also regarding my gf, I've told her and she's fine with it, probably because she is bi and has been with girls before.

    Considering I've never been with a guy and only watched porn I think I'm only attracted to them physically right now. I think I've realized that I might be attracted to a certain type of guy considering there is one guy that does porn I like a lot(physically of course) but considering the profession of the people that do this they have to be the physical ideal. I know usually no one looks like them but I can dream can't I? but ya at least I have an idea of what I like physically in someone. I'm hoping that once I get to college, wherever I go, I can explore this more.

    And @ Zumbro/adam88 ya it wasn't hentai it just had a lot of "fanservice." @ Filip no my current school unfortunately has no GSA
     
  8. Mirko

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    Hi there!

    Glad that your girlfriend is fine with it. Hopefully you can continue having a strong friendship with her.

    The thing with porn though is that it gives a false sense of attraction or the kind of guy you could potentially like, or be even physically attracted to. I guess it is always finding something over something else that we might not like or like in someone. For example, if you watch porn and you find someone attractive because he has his six pack and has spiked hair, I wouldn't take those as the yard stick as to what I would find attractive. In fact, when you go out and meet someone, and actually talk with someone, you could find yourself being attracted to someone who is doesn't have a six pack and spiked hair.

    I think your best bet to explore what make yourself to be attracted to someone and figuring out your sexual identity is by meeting people. You have mentioned that your school doesn't have a GSA. Maybe try calling a nearest PFLAG chapter or try finding a LGBT youth group in your community. Maybe that is something worth looking into.
     
  9. Chip

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    I know guys who look like porn models who have never done porn, and I know guys who have done porn who totally don't fit the stereotype. :slight_smile: But one thing that is disproportionately true in the gay community is that really attractive guys often have attitude, or a sense of entitlement, because gay culture as a whole is incredibly shallow and puts so much emphasis on appearance.

    It is possible to find really attractive guys who have the other parts of the package (intelligence, personality, integrity, for example) but... it isn't easy, and if you set that expectation, you're likely to end up frustrated or unhappy. And looks can fade pretty quickly. What's way more important -- and it sounds trite -- is finding someone you really connect with and feel a bond to that goes beyond physical attractiveness. Finding a person that you can trust, that you can laugh together with, that you want to be around 24/7... *that* is where true connections come from. Of course having some physical attraction to that person is important too, but I'd suggest that you put your energy into striking a balance between all of the factors above. :slight_smile:
     
  10. Taurusguy92

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    Don't get me wrong I understand exactly what you guys are saying and I've experienced that with my current girlfriend. Sure she may not be the most physically attractive person in the world, but we've discovered that we're like almost carbon copies of each other. That's why I was attracted to her because we were so much alike and had an instant bond. Of course the physical attraction grew and continues to grow. But like I said I've never been with a guy so or really met one that I know/thought would be interested. I think also the reason for the physical thing might be due to the fact that I don't view myself as all that attractive, I've been told by people (not many though) that I am but I guess I just don't see it. So maybe I'm attracted physically to guys that seem much more physically attractive than I think I am
     
  11. Zumbro

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    Don't over-think this so much. Scientists haven't figured out why people are gay, so you certainly aren't expected to understand any of the feelings you've had. Maybe you'll find out you're bi, maybe gay, maybe straight, but just pay attention to your feelings and go with the flow.

    And as for never being with a guy, I didn't do anything with a guy until last semester. Nevertheless, I've known I was gay for probably 4 years and 2 girlfriends worth (never did anything with either of them, not even make out). You don't have to fuck someone to know you're attracted to them.
     
  12. adam88

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    I'm a little the opposite - I'm not that physically attracted to most guys. Some, yeah, but mostly for me it's an emotional/romantic thing, with physical attraction taking a back seat. I think that's probably one of the reasons why it took me 27 years to stop deluding myself. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
     
  13. Taurusguy92

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    I mean I think I've known that I'm at least partially gay for a while, but I'm still attracted to girls. In fact I got to have a make out thing with my gf last night. And also how was it being with a guy I've always wanted to know.
     
  14. Zumbro

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    Well, when I say I "did something" with him, I mean we made out (a lot, considering how much time we spent together). No nudity (I broke if off before then, on purpose). Either way, it was more than I did with my girlfriends. And I liked it. He had bad breath, but hey, everybody has their problems, male or female. My female friend who I've made out with used too much teeth, I think. It's not really fair to compare them i think, although, the guy did have a bit of stubble, which I thought was nice :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
     
  15. Taurusguy92

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    That's kind of what's happened with my gf and I. We've made out a lot but nothing rly beyond that. I guess because she's my first I'm still a bit shy/naive, but I like where we're at right now. Still tell me how it was with what you did do with the guy, I've always been so curious.
     
  16. Zumbro

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    [awkward relationship story]

    Well, we made out. That was it. We were friends before I had a bottle of tequila resulting in an awesome/awkward week of dating (heh. halloween was fun :beer:), when I realized that though I really was attracted to him physically, I wasn't ready for something emotionally yet, so I broke it off literally less than a week after it started so that we could stay friends. In my opinion, I really don't like things being physical if there are no emotions, and he was into me emotionally, so I broke it off to prevent it from being worse later (also, he got really clingy, really fast, and I do not like that). Don't really know what else to say. It worked out well I guess. We're still friends.

    [/awkward relationship story]

    tl:dr I got drunk and made out with my gay friend. We made out a lot over the week and I broke it off because of lack of emotions on my part. :smilewave
     
  17. Taurusguy92

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    lol sorry if I was asking 2 much... also I have one more question... does the type of music you like tell anything. Cuz I like Dance/Techno/ Happy Hardcore/Nightcore and just have the urge to go dance sometimes (not grinding though, I hate grinding). Does this mean anything?
     
  18. Zumbro

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    Not one bit. Whether you listen to death metal or classical music, it doesn't matter one bit. Granted, if you're listening solely to madonna or lady gaga or the backstreet boys, well, it might be a tip, but I don't really think that it matters.
     
  19. Jim1454

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    No - we all have different tastes in music, despite being gay.

    You've received some great advice here. I'm glad you found this forum and that you're getting answers to some of your questions. Good luck!
     
  20. Taurusguy92

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    Ok I was just wondering because it seems like I'm one of the only people I know that likes it. Then again it's apparently a lot more popular in Europe than here in the US. And I guess people just like to dance regardless.