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Because Murder is a Bad Thing

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by mmilam75, Jan 27, 2010.

  1. mmilam75

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    Hello, All:

    So, as some of you know, my last desperate attempt to remain in the closet last year involved going to a seminary where all the teachers and the curriculum were very traditional (read: anti-gay). One of my friends from school that I came out to last year e-mailed me that he wants to talk. That’s a good thing. He also said he wants to talk about my “new lifestyle”…as though being gay has about all the significance of buying a new pair of shoes.

    Just felt the need to vent, as I am about 90% sure of how this conversation is going to go. There are certain words that just tend to piss me off, and that is one of them. There is one part of me that wants to rip his head off, but I also understand that this is probably new ground for him, since I suspect I am now the only openly gay person he knows. How do I avoid ripping his head off here?
     
  2. Shevanel

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    (*hug*) I know what you mean, Just take control of the anger, and don't let it control you and try to remain as calm and noncondescending as you can when you try to explain to him how that term is offensive, and all that stuff :slight_smile: He just doesn't know/understand, it's not his fault (*hug*)
     
  3. Phoenix

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    The only thing I can really suggest is to try and calmly explain to him that it's not a lifestyle. How you have sex is a lifestyle, with whom you have sex is not. Chances are he genuinely is not well versed on the topic and honestly thought that saying your "lifestyle" was the least offensive way of putting it. If he insists that "lifestyle" is the correct way to put it, well then you can start looking up assassins to hire. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
     
  4. The Paradigm

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    Hello! :kiss:

    New shoes sounds good right about now. Many people who don't understand the significance of being a minority or how truly difficult it is being 'unnatural' to many cannot fathom the future struggles you'll endure.

    You mean lifestyle right?

    Just remember, they can't really understand the difficulty--really. That's mostly due to ignorance and don't expect them to know or even want to know though. Religion can block people's openness and acceptance. (*hug*)
     
  5. RaeofLite

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    Well he lives the "majority hetero lifestyle" and he choose, obviously? Right? *eyeroll*

    *sigh* (*hug*) Just educate. That's all you can try to do. Explain how you fought with it, and maybe explain to him, that "he'd never date guys" because he's not attracted to them, just as you aren't "attracted to girls so you wouldn't date them" etc.

    Good luck.
     
  6. Sylver

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    Unless you know something more than you've said here, I think it's fair to give him the benefit of the doubt to start with and presume that he's using the term out of ignorance. I know that before I was "officially gay" :slight_smile:p) I was totally ignorant of the many terms that I'm now comfortable with, and I had trouble knowing what to say. Beacuse the whole "gay lifestyle" term is so commonly used to refer to homosexuality (with or without prejudice), it's too easy just to pick up on it and think that's how it's said. And let's face it, when you're straight you're not going to invest a whole lot of time learning the subtle connotations of every word used to describe LGBT people.

    Now if the conversation reveals intent on his part, then you may wish to stay away from sharp objects for fear of using them...
     
  7. Jim1454

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    Maybe he wants to reach out because he has also come to realize that he's gay...
     
  8. mmilam75

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    As a married father of two and pastor of his own church, I'd say that's unlikely, but stranger things have happened (Ted Haggard, anyone?) Anyway, he said he would call...I'll see if he actually does or not.
     
  9. Jim1454

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    Married fathers of two can't be gay, can they?!? :grin:
     
  10. Johnnieguy

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    Speaking of Ted Haggard, has anyone else heard the news that he is "free of gay compulsions" and that his relationship with his wife is "stronger than ever?"
     
  11. knight of ni

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    Yeah, I heard that. I giggled.
     
  12. mmilam75

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    LOL - point well taken :lol:

    I read about that. Honestly, he can do whatever he wants, but I feel bad for some kid who reads about this and thinks counseling can "cure" him when nothing is wrong with him in the first place.

    :bang:

    Yeah, I chuckled at first, then I started thinking about how idiotic it is :tantrum:
     
  13. mmilam75

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    So I called this one. We talked and I explained why the whole lifestyle thing doesn't work. He proceeded to tell me that he is going to pray for me that God "rescues" me. I made clear I am not in danger or in a situation where I need to be "rescued". It was awkward, but good to have a frank talk about the reality of my life s a gay man. While he is praying for my rescue, I'll be praying for him, that he will see I am not so different from him. My main hope at this point is that the power of my example will cause him to question some of his own assumptions, so we'll see.
     
  14. Mirko

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    Hey Marcus! I think you have done all you can do. But the good thing is that you did what you did, and tried to educate someone about what it means to be gay and that it is now a lifestyle.

    Hope you are doing alright though! (*hug*)
     
  15. Jim1454

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    That's exactly what you needed to do. Good for you. (*hug*)

    I've had similar conversations with members of my (ex) church. Not sure if it did them any good, but they made me feel better.
     
  16. Sylver

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    :bang: :angry: Aarghh!!

    Well you did the right thing by taking the high road while standing firm in your response. Someday he may come to realize that God made you just like he made him and the rest of his flock, in his own image.
     
  17. EM68

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    I proud of you that you talked to your friend. I think a lot of the ridiculous comments that are made are because of pure ignorance. Your conversation with him may not change his mind or attitude right away but might get him to start to think.
     
  18. mmilam75

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    Thanks all. I don’t expect any overnight change in his behavior…but the hope is that, over time, things will change between us. The fact that we’re both keeping the door open is a good sign that, eventually, things will change. I have to admit that I’m clearly becoming more comfortable with having these kinds of conversations with folks who clearly have no understanding of what it means to be a GLBT person. I’m actually feeling pretty good about it this morning, so everything is good.

    And the good news is that no assassins were required :wink:

    I have to say – there was a time when I couldn’t imagine a life spent as an openly gay person. Now, I can’t imagine what made me wait so long. That’s something EC is responsible for to a very large degree :slight_smile:
     
    #18 mmilam75, Jan 28, 2010
    Last edited: Jan 28, 2010
  19. Sicsemper79

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    Marcus, I am have to tell you, you are a better person than me bro. I can't fathom even having that conversation. My advice to you would have been to tell him you aren't interested in a dialogue with him, and I would have done that over email and not read any response.

    You don't have to explain who you are to people. Especially people who don't like you for who you are. You have a history with your church, and that is a wonderful thing. I think that people who are willing to accept you for who you are are fantastic... religious or not. However I caution you against caring too much what people think who were closest to you during a period in your life where you didn't like yourself that much. There are some really fucked up people in the fundamentalist world, you know that as well as anyone. I say screw 'em.
     
  20. Revan

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    Ya did good kid. ~ Han Solo :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: hehe