As I told most of you about my tour partner on the road and how awkward our relationship has been. I don't know it keeps getting more awkward, in fact he's starting to remind me of an ex. So yesterday I told him I was hungry and wanted to stop somewhere, he told me he wasn't and wanted to get back. So we went back to the hotel and I went to my room feeling as if I was told what I should do or ignored. Than I snapped back txted him and said, "I'm hungry. I'm going to get food. I'm sorry." He texts me back asks why I am apologizing. Well today shit sort of hit the fan when I asked him if he wanted to get lunch, he said no, and I said, "That's ok we don't have to hang out." (Yes I know I'm starting to sound like a diva). Well anyway .... this guy has a boyfriend who I met the first three days of my tour partner joining me on tour. His boyfriend is shy but my tour partner seems to make excuses for him and works too hard to keep the relationship. He told me that his bf was so upset he was going on a tour with another guy and threatened to break up with him, so my tour partner spent over a thousand dollars for a promise ring and made a pact with him that he would only do this job for one season. Well anyway him and I had a long day on Wednesday with rehearsal and costume laundry, he told me his boyfriend got really upset at him for it. I told how that sounded like drama. Anyway, things kind of blew up over text messaging, I told him he was acting like these 3 1/2 months with me was a prison sentence and not fun. He told me that this job is getting in the way of his dreams. I told me that now I feel like I'm a inconvenience. Anyway, he just went on and on and said I really insulted him when I said his relationship is drama when its "normal" for a significant other to be angry with you when you aren't spending time with them or calling them everyday. He said that I'm passing judgement too quickly. This was the boyfriend that yelled at him for getting him the wrong fries at the restaurant we went to and refused to eat them. Anyway, he than passed it off on me telling me I'm not giving him a chance to adjust and I'm being too judgmental. Than to get out of the thicket I told him that I thought he was a great person and had a heart of gold and that I am hoping to be his friend. OK, so here's the weird part. So he's reminding me of an ex ... an ex who I had to go to counseling over because he was overly controlling and insecure. So after we blew up, of course, we got in the car and didn't talk about it. Which is typical, I seem to always meet people who express their anger in writing whether than out loud. SIGN #1. Than as we were driving there, he started bringing up something that interests me, like musicals, he started talking about them out of the blue. Than told me what a hard worker I was and how happy he is that we are working together. Than he told me as we are traveling on Sunday that we are going to stop at this mall that's on the way so I can go to Banana Republic (one of my favorite stores) and than that there's this huge pizza buffet there (my favorite food). Today as we were riding back, he made the offer this time of stopping to get food and I said, "yeah that's cool, but ultimately if you don't want, I can drop you off and I can go get food." UGH! This is driving me crazy. My ex use to do that to me .... bargaining I guess it called ... like whenever he knew he made me mad he would bring up an interest of mine or offer to take me somewhere I loved. I'm sure he's just being nice now that I expressed my disapproval on how I feel I have been treated and how I feel like he's blaming me and treating me wrong because I'm a guy and his boyfriend is jealous. When we were just placed together. I don't know. What does all this simply mean? I know it doesn't mean we are going to hook or get together. That's not in my head at all. I feel bad for him that he's kind of in the relationship he's in, but I guess there's nothing I can do or say. Right? I'm just all confused about all these signals and I know you guys are great with help and advice! I'm just going crazy right now.
I know a hand full of actors & performing is their dream. Could he be in the tour for the wrong reasons & taking it out on you?
Hey, stop looking for signals! Maybe this was all needed to help clear the air on how each of you feels your working/social relationship should be. It seems pretty good that he's reacted positively toward your feelings of being shat upon because he has some miseries being away for so long. Just let it progress from here, you realizing that sometimes he will be tired of being with you/people he works with, and he just wants to be alone/talk to his bf in his free time. And yeah, don't bring up his bf unless he does.
You need to take a chill pill. This person is a coworker. Full stop. If he doesn't want to go for food, he doesn't have to. He just isn't hungry - it isn't a personal attack. It isn't a sign that he hates you or that he loves you like your ex did / didn't. His relationship is his relationship. It isn't yours. If he wants a boyfriend that yells at him over french fries, that's his problem and not yours. It might be embarassing to witness, but it really isn't any of your business. Offering to take you to BR and to a pizza buffet is simply a peace offering - an olive branch. He isn't coming on to you. He isn't thinking of leaving his boyfriend for you. He's a coworker. Period. You're not to be best buds. This is a great job opportunity for you. Focus on the job and the work and building your resume. Forget about relationships with other people in the group. It's just a bad scene waiting to happen.
Did you guys have somewhere pressing you needed to be or was there time to stop? Who is driving? Did you get into a big confrontation when you asked to stop for lunch? I think when you text him messages like that, you're damaging your relationship because you're forcing him to do things he doesn't want to do. If he doesn't want to hang out, you shouldn't force him. Likewise, if he doesn't want to stop and get you lunch, he's not obliged to. (I know that sounds bad) But those kinds of actions really tell you about his behaviors. There also could've been other underlying reasons why he refused and you shouldn't immediately discredit them. Well actually, your tour partner was trying to keep his relationship...that's not drama. I would be upset if my boyfriend was traveling together far away with another gay man. The possibility for screw ups (cheating specifically) would be astronomically high given the correct circumstances. Not only that, but if their relationship was having problems...spending time with other people, and or with another gay male can send very bad signals to his partner. Your tour buddy makes excuses because he loves his partner and values him. I recommend staying out of their affairs. :eusa_naug Actually, it's quite normal to get angry, jealous and feel other emotions when your partner is away, spending time with other people, and the affections can't be felt. It seems like he's angry because you may seem like you're trying to butt in and get a slice of the action. But that's just my opinion. Your friend doesn't seem to be hurt in anyway, physically--and is no danger really. It seems like a hurdle his relationship just needs to over come. If left alone, it can be. Hm...Again, doing that would send me signals about your intent. He may just be picking up on them and be leery of you because he doesn't know or like your intent. He really doesn't seem controlling, just defensive. But again, I may not know the whole story but from what you described, he doesn't seem like a truly bad fellow. I think he was trying to make amends and show there's no bad blood. I doubt he was trying to control you. Sounds like he wants to be platonic friends. He's trying to express his opinion of you nicely. I'm beginning to get jealous because I want a good friend like that...:dry: Well, I do believe he wants to make up but I think you're taking it the wrong way. It's not a form of bribery; it's an indirect way of trying to apologize. Not the best way but still one method. Spending time, and lots of it, with one man who is also 'available' (as in gay) can send you many mixed feelings, especially to both parties. I would leave his relationship alone because, no offense, you're not a part of their love life. I think you're wanting a relationship with him very badly and waiting for the opportune time to dive in but I don't think that's going to happen and he may feel like you're trying to trigger this. If he's taken, please don't try (in general, not blaming) to ruin their relationship. I've seen many people do that and all of the involved parties usually split up separately. Learn to relax and detach from him. I really think that'll do you a world of good. It sounds like he can and will be an excellent friend for you. If he won't love you, then make sure he'll be your friend. Because it genuinely sounds like you want one of those--why not take it? Have a fantastic day! The weekends started! (*hug*)
Thanks. I think you hit the nail on the head, however, I am feeling a bit guilty that I ended up confronting him like that. Also, if he does bring up his BF, should i just listen and just not give any sort of opinion or ideas at all?
Be careful about how you present your opinion. It's better to just be a confidant though, not a relationship counselor. And you're very welcome Dare! I'd feel guilty too. (*hug*)
