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Too straight acting?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Dtownandrew, Jan 29, 2010.

  1. Dtownandrew

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    I think I'm having an identity crisis. After a long conversation about why I can never find a nice guy, a gay guy that I'm friends with told me today that I was too straight acting, and I'm worried that he's right.

    Most gay guys who I know would love to have straight guy friends who accept their sexuality, but I think I have too many of these friends. When I say that all of my friends are straight guys, I'm completely serious. We do things like play poker, go to bars, watch/play football, etc., and I love it because those are all things that I love to do, especially with my friends.

    Unfortunately, I think that this hinders my ability to meet the kind of guys I want to meet. Guys are usually either turned off by the fact that I enjoy drinking a few beers and watching football, or they never find out that I'm gay. The guys that I do attract are closet cases (no offense to anyone) who want to date me because being with me would never arouse any suspicions. I don't like this either, because I'm proud of who I am and completely out of the closet.

    I don't know what to do. I don't want to change my lifestyle because it fits who I really am, but I don't want to keep meeting the wrong guys.
     
  2. Shevanel

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    Don't ever change who you are, especially if someone tells you you're "too straight acting".

    To act straight means to want to date/date/marry/have sex with girls. That's all straight acting is. Everything else is a stereotype. Anyone can drink beers. Anyone can have mostly straight friends. Regardless of their sex or gender. If they don't like you for who you are, why would they be worth it at all? Especially if it means to lose your own identity of who you are.

    I know what you mean because I'm pretty much in the same shoes as you as far as straight friends, beer, and lack of people guessing I like guys in addition to girls.

    Don't feel bad or be ashamed about who you are. Like I said, if those people don't like it, they're not worth it.

    As for the closet guys, I completely understand your case in that you want to be able to be out and proud with them, but you should know that its not easy. Maybe give them a chance and help them come out? I'm sure it'd bring you closer together as well.

    Whatever you do, don't give up yourself, dude. (*hug*)
     
  3. Doreibo

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    Surfer dude, like always, has given great advice. Being a straight acting gay is perfectly normal and fine and to be honest I'm more attracted to straight acting guys. BUT since I'm still in the closet that puts me in the category of closeted guys :frowning2:
    lol :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
    Don't worry, there are plenty of guys out there. I'm sure, given time you will meet the right one. Don't compromise yourself in order to meet some one because then you won't be meeting the kind of guy you are looking for.
    I'm a straight acting guy, closeted yes i know, but straight acting. . .I think. I'm a little bit more perky than some others and find almost anything to be, and I'll call them, cute. But that, like much of myself, is probably a result of my Asian pride. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: In any case, Although I am straight acting I would probably instantly turn into a complete lovey dovey puppy if I met the right guy. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: But enough ranting.
    Good luck with the boyfriend hunt mate.
     
  4. joeyconnick

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    It's a total conundrum, I agree. Happily it's not one I ever faced: I was never the butchest boy in the bunch, so being gay fits really well.

    I can't remember how long you've been out--I think people tend to, not completely 180 or anything, but definitely there is something or several somethings that constitute "gay culture" that, because they're culture, people are acculturated into to a lesser or greater degree. Being gay in modern society is not really simply a guy liking guys or a girl liking girls, namely because being gay is something social, and sexual urges/desires and even emotional feelings are not all that go into social interaction.

    I think you'll find, ultimately, that there are lots of gay guys who aren't closet cases who are probably gonna really like you if you're basically "typical het male" in terms of how you interact socially. I mean, do you know how many stories there are of gay guys falling for their straight best friends? It's like... one of the very most basic gay stories there are. So one would think you would represent the closest possible fulfillment there would be of that, so honestly that should make you a hot commodity on the dating market.

    The main problem is, of course, what you've said: you don't get read as gay. So that's something you're going to have to actively work to counter--not by being "less you" but by just I guess actively indicating it by mentioning it, talking about who you find attractive, going to gay events/locales, etc. I mean there are plenty of gay guys who like to do non-stereotypically gay things, like sports and drinking beer and *barf* watching football (sorry, the idea makes me wanna kill myself :lol:slight_smile:.

    But to be fair, you are statistically less likely to meet up with anyone who's going to be into you (and not a closet case) if you only hang out with your straight friends. I'm not saying it would never happen or anything, but unless you happen to have a group of straight guy friends who uncharacteristically mix a lot more with gay guys than most groups of straight guys I know, you're kinda barking up the wrong tree.

    Another thing to consider is that you're 18 and part of the reason you interact socially the way you do is because you were expected to interact that way. That is, if you have any "gay" traits/interests at all, they were probably easy to ignore given you were so into the culture that (very luckily for you) society expects every teenaged guy to be into. What I mean is that even though you like beer, football, poker, etc., that doesn't necessarily mean you can't/don't like shopping, America's Next Top Model, or opera. Okay, maybe ANTM and opera are really stretching it :icon_wink, but you hopefully get my point: one set of things does not have to preclude any of the others. Standard notions of "masculine" and "feminine" ways of being in the world are just that: standardized notions. In the real world, people do not fall into nice, neat little behavioural boxes like that. This is how I can like comic books and hate shopping but still love (some) musicals (honestly, do not get me started about how I don't understand why every other gay person seems to go gaga over Rent because I just don't see it).

    So you probably have more to you than just traditionally "male" stuff, because otherwise you'd be a cardboard cutout and you don't really sound anywhere near that dull. *grin*

    And finally (because I'm very non-traditionally male in the sense of being super-wordy), there's a big difference between "deliberately changing who you are" (i.e. actively engaging in stuff you're not really into) and "being open to new things." A lot of people change as they come out/after they come out and that's not necessarily a bad thing. As long as you don't blindly "act gay" for the sake of acting gay, you'll be fine. In many, many ways, being gay gives you a heck of a lot more freedom to "be yourself" (or at least more of an opportunity for freedom) than you'd get if you were straight.
     
  5. AllSmiles

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    This, my friend, is an awesome piece of advice. Listen to it! (*hug*)
     
  6. Silvermark

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    I'm pretty much in the same boat as you, Andrew...
    It's not the easiest thing to get around, but you could always do something simple like wearing a rainbow pin or armband or a belt even.

    I do the same; I'm pretty much the straightest guy I know, even more so than the majority of my actually straight friends... Therefore the easiest way to get the message across to people around college (highschool) is to wear my armband around and hope that someone nice notices...
    (I think he did... We'll see xD)
     
  7. Chip

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    I have a number of friends who are super straight acting (not intentionally, just the way they are.) A couple of my friends, no one *ever* has the idea they're gay, even people with good gaydar.

    I have (gay) friends who are totally into cars, racing, sports, etc. And not into any of the stereotypical gay things. Friends who are well adjusted and happy. And other friends who are into some of those things and also into stereotypically gay things.

    You've gotten some great advice. Bottom line is, you don't need to change yourself, nor should you. You don't need to pick up an interest in "gay" things if they don't appeal to you.

    My "straighter" friends have often had luck meeting people off of myspace or facebook, or going to events where gay people are likely to be. There are gay athletic clubs, gay book clubs, gay groups for practically everything... if you look around, you migth be surprised what you can find at your local university, or if you're in a decent sized town, just in your town.
     
  8. LostandFound

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    I'm in the same boat pretty much. I have been called the "straighest guy I know" and "the last person I thought would be gay". So I too wonder if I'll be able to easily meet other gay guys. Here's the thing though, I've never not done anything because I thought it might make me look gay and I've never done things in order to look straight. It's a good philosophy to live by I think because I end up doing what I want and what makes me happy.
     
  9. Lexington

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    My friends' nickname for me when I first came out was "StealthFag". :slight_smile: So yeah, I know of what you speak. But I've never had any trouble meeting gay guys, or even getting dates. I just make it known that I'm gay. Perhaps there are gay guys out there who don't want to date me because I don't dress nice enough, or because I go watch contact sports. In which case, those aren't guys I want to date, anyway. :slight_smile:

    If anything, being "straight-acting" is more of a boon than a hinderance, from my vantage point. How many threads here are about "falling for my straight friend"? How many times have I read "I want a boyfriend, but I'm not interested in those femmy-acting gay guys"? Just keep putting yourself out there, and you'll meet some guys. :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
  10. EM68

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    Personally I never liked the term 'straight acting gay'. I like masculine gay instead. People may say that I'm straight acting because I like sports, cars and drinks beer instead of wine. I don't consider myself acting any particular way. I'm just being myself. Just so happen I have masculine traits.
     
    #10 EM68, Jan 30, 2010
    Last edited: Jan 30, 2010
  11. Sylver

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    You are who you are, period. Trying to change that would be as bad as lying to people about being gay, except in your case it would be lying about not being "gay enough"... :eusa_thin

    #1 rule of relationships, be yourself. That's what's most likely to make you happy and to get you into a satisfying long-term relationship. Will it make it harder for you to find love or a partner? Perhaps, I don't know. But it will improve the quality of your relationship, and I think that's worth more in the end.

    I also despise labels because they come with baggage attached. When I say "I'm gay", the only thing I mean is that I'm attracted to males. Everything else is on or off the table as per my own particular personality. This whole notion of "straight-acting" is only a reverse-stereotype; it means absolutely nothing until it's juxtaposed against "gay-acting", which is one of the worst and most misleading stereotypes in my opinion. I don't like musicals, I don't have a limp wrist, I don't speak with a lisp, I can't shop for clothes worth a damn, I do like guys, I'm a romantic who places love ahead of sex, I like to kiss and cuddle, I hate watching sports but I like playing them, I don't enjoy Lady Gaga (sorry fans), and I'm pretty handy at fixing things around the house. So am I straight-acting or gay-acting?

    Who cares! I'm ME.
     
  12. Phoenix

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    I always thought the same because straight acting implies that how you are is, well, an act. And for you (the OP), you're just more masculine. But yes, take what Ed said and fuse it with Lex's advice and then mix in Joey's for good measure and I think you'll have some pretty solid advice.
     
  13. Swimmerboy

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    Anyone who says you are too anything is an idiot. I'm like 100% straight acting, I have tons of straight friends, and I have very few gay friends, but I have no trouble with guys. Just be yourself, and be genuine, and look for that because that is more important than anything else. If you are going for monogamy, then a genuine person will be worth more in the end. :icon_wink
     
  14. Swimmerboy

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    That is a much better term. :eusa_clap
     
  15. Alex19

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    u sound like a dream to me! lol the guys i attract are far too effeminate for my liking...
     
  16. Strawberry

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    I'm a girl, but I understand how you feel! I too am considered very "straight-acting" (Although I hate the term, as it reinforces stereotypes about both gays and straights.) have many straight friends. Don't change who you are. You WILL meet an awesome guy one day, and he WILL like you just the way you are! :slight_smile:

    I see it says you're eighteen. Do you go to college? You could join your college's GSA if it has one. I'm sure you could meet some guys that way. If it doesn't, then I'm sure there is some kind of gay group you could join somewhere in or near your community.

    Don't get discouraged!
     
  17. Eccentric

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    The kind of people you want to meet are the kind of people who don't like who you really are? Think of this: the only people you're "scaring off" are people who aren't looking for the kind of person you are. The right guy for you will actually like the real you.
     
  18. malachite

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    don't starting thinking you have to act a certain way just because you're gay.

    being gay is a part of YOU.
    you are NOT some part of a gay collective.

    I have been nicknamed the gay-walker by most of my friend. There is nothing about me that screams gay either.
     
  19. stratavos

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    ^ this guy knows what he's saying. however, you could choose to go to gay friendly places more often, and possibly wear a piece of rainbow OR m/m symbol jewelry. Your choice. :kiss:
     
  20. Nitro

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    There has been a lot of really good advice in the thread, so I shall be brief.

    (i) We all know what you mean by "straight acting" but try not to use it in your social interaction as it can signal that you are not yet comfortable being out yet.

    (ii) The magic "m' word is marketing. In our society you could fit a number of queer stereotypes and it still would not cross many minds that you might be gay. Given your self-described behavior it is likely that even less people will contemplate the possibility that you do not belong to the heterosexual majority. A discreet pride item, joining any number of the glbt organizations based on common interest (football leagues, gaymers, swim groups, outdooring, etc.), or casual mention of good looking guys, all can make you visible to just the man you are looking for.