Still struggling, but not quite as before!

So, hey everyone!
Haven't been here for a while, so first of all let me catch up and introduce myself. I am an 18-year-old guy in a very close-minded country and society. I have had issues with who I am and where I was since little, with guys picking on me through all school (since forever until senior year in high school) and a very not supportive family.

About two years ago, in Christmas Eve 2007, I finally accepted that I was gay. And it came with a whole bunch of tears and just hate towards myself since I was raised in a very Catholic and conservative (sort of) family. So after dealing with hate and sorrow, I finally could move on and be who I am.

Last year, on May, I had my first taste of reality when I decided with my dad's approval to move out and live by myself. Which sounds great but it's so hard to manage. Still here in my little bedroom in a dorm that is 30 minutes away from the university I study at. So after putting together my courage and my determination, lighting up a cigarette and making sure i would only allow myself to cry when I were alone, I moved on with my life.

I moved out first with my sis-in-law who owns and tries to manage a dorm, which was a good and a bad decision. While I was with her, I told her to treat me as another student who is paying for the room (I was paying full price and I did not want any special treatment from her) and not as her brother-in-law. So after a month or so living there, she asked me if I were gay or not. I was like shit, not now and not to you. Well I did tell her and she was sort-of fine with it.

Having dealt with that, I made good friends there. I did meet a guy which became a close friend and some others which are just nice buddies to hang out with. I got a job and became financially stable, still with the help of my mom who is abroad (she lives in Boston MA) and who I am still not out to. So long story short, I became stable to that point.

Things went down the drain when my sis-in-law asked all the guys who were renting rooms there to move out since she wanted to change the dorm to an only-ladies dorm. So me and my close friend found another dorm where we moved to, it was three blocks away from the last one and literally in front of the university he studies at (while you might already read it is 30 mins away from mine, in public transportation)

So when we moved into the new dorm, everything was like a dream since I was working, studying, the dorm had one simple rule: "you can do WHATEVER you want as long as the police or the fire department are not involved", and I had a social life, something I lacked in the last 18 years of my life. So when another guy moved in to the room next to mine, the three of us became very close friends and we build a very good trust between us.

Sadly my friend, who moved from the other dorm to the new one with me, had to drop off college since his mom was fired from her workplace and couldn't afford his college anymore, therefore he moved in with his family again in a town that is 2 hours away by bus and an hour or so by car. So I was just left with this other guy, and our friendship became even stronger (we'll call him Joe from now on, name has been changed).

After getting promoted at my workplace, which was a HUGE boost of confidence for me, I had the courage to come out to him and to my other friend too. Both of them took it very well--even better as I could have expected. And with Joe being very conservative, racist, and add a huge list of things that are totally opposite from me, he was that accepting to the point that my sincerity made us even closer.

Fast-forward to two weeks ago. I have met this guy at work (call him Bob) which I found adorable, not in any way cute or hot, but just adorable. He had it bad for me, asked me out to the movies after hinting and just being very direct of his feelings towards me many times. I couldn't believe a guy asked **ME** out. We went to the movies that Friday and we kissed. It was my first date and my first kiss. I felt very good.

But reality dropped a bomb on me when I realized that he was not just looking for a relationship, but just casual sex. (I'm virgin btw.) He texted me the next day (last saturday) and he told me that he wanted to come over to my house, watch movies, and so on. We all know what the "so on" means. So I was like, "no you ain't coming to my house, I'm inviting you to the movies instead". And since that day he has a handful of excuses to delay the date.

So thanks for reading all that stuff I wrote. I need to light another cigarette. Brb.

Talking to Joe, who is a ladies-man to the extreme, he had warned me about that too. And it sucks because I don't just find Bob adorable, I also have new found feelings towards him. Then he turns out to leave me in a position that I don't want to be at. I know this sounds like a HUGE RED FLAG --I got the red flag right in the moment it happened-- but he actually was aroused at the movies in that first date, and he asked me to touch is erection, grabbed my hand and placed it in his crotch. I was like... in that moment I wanted to stand up and leave.

I am not doing this to myself. I don't want to do that. I don't. But I so want to be with him. And it kills me.