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Second Guessing Myself

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by EM68, Jan 31, 2010.

  1. EM68

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    I've been dating my bf for 8 months. Things between us are going great. He is a wonderful guy and I love and trust him. We have a great line on communication. We talk about everything. I sort of think we over talk things. Like this week. Now I am starting to think maybe I've taken things too seriously.

    We both know that I am a little ahead of him in regards to the relationship. A little background. My bf was in a relationship for 8 years with his ex. For the last couple years of it his ex moved out of state to take care of his dying mom. When she passed he did not move back to be with my bf. My bf gave him a few ultimatums to move back and he never did so he finally broke it off. About 6 weeks later, we met online and been going out ever since.

    We talk a lot about us and how the relationship is going. I told him that I consider him my bf, because we are exclusive not seeing anyone else. I told him 'I love you'. He has told me that he considers us more as dating. He has said that he could tell me that he loves me but he wants to make sure. He has told me that he has a process to go through. He met me soon after he finally broke it off with his ex even though it was over for a while. I understand. He was with him for 8 years and it ended badly and the whole relationship seemed to be a struggle. So I guess that he wants to make sure we are right for each other. Because he was hurt I can see that he might want to be cautious. Overall our relationship has evolved slowly. It took us a while to fool around and he still does not stay the night for example. I don't want to get into too many details here.

    Last night we talked and he brought up that he may at some point he may feel that he may have to see other people to make sure that we are right for each other. He said that he is talking hypothetical. He is the type to analyze things a lot. He assured me that he is not thinking of doing that but he does not know that if may have to do that in the future. He has told me that I have nothing to worry about and that he loves what we have. He treasures what we have. He has deep feelings for me. He says that we communicate a lot better than he and his ex did. He said his last relationship was very bumpy and full of obstacles mainly because his ex had to take care of his mom. He feels that our relationship is totally opposite.

    I told him that if he found that he wanted to see other people, to see if we are meant to be together, that it would hurt but there is nothing that I could do about it. Like I said, I care about him and I know he does also. He does things that show he cares about me. For example I had surgery 3 weeks ago and it seems we have been talking about the surgery and my recovery a lot, more so than talking about him and his day. The other night I told him that I really appreciate that he has been so supportive and I apologize if he he feels neglected. He told me that it never crossed his mind. I feel so lucky.

    Last night I though I was okay with everything the way things are going. I told him I am willing to give him the time he needs to process whats going on with us. I have told him that time will reveal all of the answers. This morning I have been second guessing things. Am I taking our relationship too seriously? Should I take a step back? Like I said I love him and I don't want to see anyone else. I feel a little stuck and confused right now.
     
  2. Dare2bProud

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    I feel that coming out of a 8 year relationship and the guy just vanishing had to be really difficult for him. I am sure he has some "trust" issues right now. It may take him awhile to get back on track and also he just may need time to go out build a new friend base.
     
  3. EM68

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    He has a number of gay and lesbian friends. He is very active in his church. Many of the members are openly gay. He may have trust issues, but I'm not too sure.
     
  4. Eleanor Rigby

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    Hi Ed, (*hug*)
    first thing, I hope you're fine and that you're healing from you surgery.

    I understand that you are in a difficult position, and so is your boyfriend. Neither of you want to be hurt, and neither of you want to the other to be hurt.
    I think it's fantastic that you guys manage to communicate about your relationship that much, it is certainly helping a lot.
    The thing is, your boyfriend and you started to date very soon after he broke up. Maybe too soon. Six weeks are very not that big to recover from a eight years relationship, especially when it ended this way.
    My best friend broke up with her 12 years boyfriend 9 months ago (or to be more accurate, he broke up with her). Ever since, she had been dating a guy who works in the same company she does. But she is just starting to refer about him as her boyfriend.
    During all these months she had been teared up between the growing feelings she has for her new boyfriend, and the still very vivid feelings she had for her ex. You don't recover in a few weeks from a relationship of several years.
    Maybe he needs to see other people for a while to be able to figure out what he wants and what are his feelings for you. But if you are ok for him to do so, I think you also needs to talk about it with him before and to clearly set up where your boundaries stand : the fact you might be ok with him meeting other people might be different from the fact being ok with him kissing them or having sex with them.
    Once again, talking about it is the best way to figure out what to do and to try to find a agreement you both will be ok with.
    I hope everything is going to go fine for you.
    Take care, (*hug*) Cécile
     
  5. Filip

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    Well, it does sound like he has some commitment issues (which is a bit different from trust issues). Of course, that might be only natural. He probably believes that he was too gullible in considering his previous relationship "the real thing".
    So getting into this relationship with you, he might really want to consider it the real thing, but keeps wondering "what if I'm wrong?". Hence his holding back and considering meeting other people to make sure that he really feels more for you than he would for the next one that comes along.

    That doesn't even mean that he will meet other people, but just that he's really thinking about where to take the relationship. And thinking out loud might be just what he needs to overcome his doubts. You being calm and open about it too might be just what he needs.

    As for what you need to do about it, I'm afraid I don't have a definitive answer. It's probably going to be a balancing exercise. Pushing him more might come over as too clingy, while taking a step back would look like you're easily discouraged. So it's probably best to keep where you are now: letting him know that you love him, and are willing to give him the time to sort it out. As long as you're open and honest, things can only become more clear. I think that you're probably doing the right thing right now!
     
  6. L|L

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    I don't see commitment issues, trust issues.

    I see someone who is still mending a broken heart.

    I think he recognises it and is cautious that he isn't projecting feelings for his ex onto you.

    I wouldn't press the issue much. Just be there for him, and try not to suffocate him.
     
  7. The Paradigm

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    Good afternoon. I know there has been 8 years of relations with his former partner, and that alone can hinder a relationship when someone is trying to mend a broken piece of themselves. This is especially true when they suddenly disappear--however things change. Very few relationships seldom piece themselves back together after an ordeal like that. It's traumatizing.

    However, what I wanted more so to say was that if you've been together for 8 months, or rather 6+ months, and he doesn't know if he loves you--that would send immediate red flags up. At the very least, he should have been able to make a more concrete decision by now. Sure, if his partner came back after so long and it could shake things up but before that, he should've already had some idea of what to think of you, and your relationship.

    No, actually. What message this screams at me is:
    "Now that my Ex is back, I'm not sure I can't resume our relationship."

    His Ex should not play a role in whether you're right for each other or not.


    May I ask how long it took to 'fool around?' Becoming intimate, is in my opinion, a deal sealer and a way of showing gratitude and affection. I'm not talking about cheap floozy sex, I mean truly romantic burning passion, the kind that you remember. :thumbsup:

    And may I also ask why he doesn't stay the night--ever? That's another potential red flag.

    And seeing other people isn't an obstacle? :dry:

    Again, not to sound alarmist, but that is another GIANT RED FLAG, in my opinion. Seeing other people usually indicates dissuasion and a lack of interest or a need that isn't being fulfilled. 'Fooling around,' as you say, with other people will most likely NOT bring you two together.

    If he is hypothetically speaking, then there is a good chance he intends to do this.

    I would recommend asking him if someone kind of need is not being fulfilled or if there is reason to doubt the integrity of the relationship--and do so firmly for a clear and resolute answer.

    On the surface, it may be the opposite, but deeper still it may not hold true.

    You had surgery and you stopped talking about his past? That's a good thing...because you had surgery... If you were recovering and he kept talking about his past, that would be a very bad sign about his priorities. There's a time and a place for everything.

    I truly want to ask, "What exactly is going on?"
    It seems your relationship has entered a moratorium.

    There's nothing wrong with taking a relationship that has been nurtured past 6 months serious. The fact that he still considers you dating tells me the following,

    1) A need is not being fulfilled for him to consider you at the next intermediate level.
    2) He is unsure about the relationship.
    3) Perhaps you do not spend enough intimate time together (non-sexual)
    4) You probably don't spend enough time together forming trust and most likely have short term encounters.

    A step back in my opinion could be a good and bad thing. Truly, I think you need a step forward. However, it seems like you're well invested into making things succeed but your partner cannot say the same with confidence, sadly.

    I think you and he need to have a very thoughtful and honest conversation about your future. You're supposed to help and support him through rough times, that includes the reintroduction of an Ex back into his life--not let him rekindle lost desires with an old flame.

    I believe what he lacks is a sense of conclusion. He needs to finish things with his Ex, not restart them.

    I hope this helps you Ed. (*hug*)
    We'll be here for you.
     
  8. Sylver

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    Let me offer you my perspective (this is not advice) as a person with trust and dependency issues.

    Red flag #1 for me is his inability to say "I love you" after this time. Maybe it's just me, but I can say it easily when I mean it, and if I don't say it, it's because I don't mean it. If your relationship is at "first base" (so to speak, i.e. just "dating") then it wouldn't be a concern because you're still cultivating the relationship and testing for evidence of love. But if the relationship is advanced, then there is a paradox at play - I don't see how a person can claim to be in a deep relationship but not be able to tell the other person they love them. There is an irreconcilable disconnect.

    Flag #2 is seeing other people to see if this is right. I'm sorry if this sounds blunt, but I can't see how seeing other people is a test of anything. It's like saying that you need to go through a little depression just to be sure you're happy right now, or you need to get into a few car accidents to make sure you're a good driver. The underlying presumption of his statement is that there may be something better out there. For me, as a starting point that speaks a great deal as to where he is in the relationship.

    Here's the hardest part for me to accept, and take it as you will. A good relationship is a two-way street, open and uncondition in both directions. You needed a good listener and he has been that. But that may not mean that he loves you, it may mean that he cares about you. I believe that love is a complicated thing, involving shared interests, compassion, physical attraction, choice and caring. It sounds like he is a good fit in some of these areas, but maybe not in others.

    He is essentially asking for you to respect that maxim "If you really love someone you'll let them go; if they really love you, they'll come back." The distrusting part of me says that if you let him go, he won't come back. But then that might be a good reason to let him go.

    That's where my story ends. I would hate to tell someone it's in their best interests to cut and run now and look for something better; it's advice I would have tons of trouble taking myself. But the "equation of love" is simple and (ironically) dispassionate; each must love the other fully, or there is no basis for a mutual relationship.

    Regardless, you may be better off taking this road of letting him play the field, even if it does hurt you now. If he comes back to you, you will definitely know it's real. If on the other hand it reveals that he wasn't right for you, then at least you'll know now rather than much later on when you've invested even more in the relationship and the pain would only be greater.

    I wish I had better a better perspective to offer... for your sake and mine. Good luck however it works out!
     
  9. EM68

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    Thanks everyone. I understand what you all are saying. I talked to a friend of mine off line about this. I feel like I'm walking a tightrope. I don't want to push him back or hold back my emotions for him based on something that may or may not happen. He did say the same thing a few months ago and never acted out on it. IF he did act on it and did decided to go and meet others then our whole relationship sould change and like what was said above, we would have to set boundaries. On the other hand I need to look out for my emotions. I have needs also. I need to do an emotional inventory. I'm a bit confused right now.
     
  10. fragomatrick

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    the easiest solution:
    TALK TO HIM!
    you are obviously obsessed about him. maybe, you are just a prop for the time being to get over his ex.... and then maybe not!
    he knows that !ask him!
     
  11. EM68

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    I have talked to him. We talked over and hour and a half on the phone last night about this. The other night about an hour. It seems that we are talking in circles sometimes about this. I really think he is sincere and not using me for a rebound relationship.
     
  12. Mirko

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    Hey Ed! Given that you two have talked about it, I would suggest to leave it for now, and just continuing to trying to build a relationship. The fact is that we all move differently forward. Your boyfriend, does have some relationship experiences and perhaps is a lot more cautious about making a stronger commitment. Is it bad? Not really. Moving slowly forward and taking steps back to see where things are at is actually a good thing. If you are trying to build a long term relationship, it is better not to miss things along the way.

    I wouldn't read too much into things at this point. In some respects you already have the most important answers from him:

    If you read through this, what can you take away from that? The first thing that you can take away from it is that he does have feelings for you and that he is committed to the relationship. And honestly, that is all you need to move things forward.

    You know that you are a bit ahead of him in the relationship. Maybe that is because this is your first relationship (if I remember this correctly). As it is with all new things, there are exciting and we want them and it does happen that we want to reach the end goal a lot faster. His cautious approach, might also be a good thing for you because it also gives you the opportunity to take a breather and have a more 'critical' look at the relationship and ask yourself what works well, and what doesn't work so well. In which areas can the relationship be improved?

    He knows that you love him. Although he hasn't been as open about it as you have, but if you look at the totally of things (what he has said to you, and his actions), it comes pretty close to it to. In other words, if he would not see a future for this relationship, and given his past experiences, would he stick around? Would he tell you the kinds of things that he has told you?

    (*hug*)
     
  13. s5m1

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    Ed, I think it is natural to second guess oneself in your situation. I would just keep up the open communication with your boyfriend right now. He probably has a lot to work through, coming off of an eight year relationship. He may be afraid of getting hurt again. It is really hard to say what is motivating him, and I would not presume that it is anything more than what he is telling you. You are in the best position to judge that. I would continue to let him know that it is okay for him to discuss any feelings he has with you, and you should do the same with him. That way, there are no misunderstandings either way. This is something that may just take some time to play out. I would not try to force it or demand that he have greater clarity on his feelings than he yet has.
     
  14. EM68

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    My bf came over today and we talked again at length. He asked me how I was doing and I told him I wasn't do that great and that opened the conversation again. I feel like I needed to talk to him again about my feelings. I asked him straight up if I am doing anything or is there anything that is missing from our relationship that makes him think that he may need to see other people. He said that its him just him and he needs to go through a process and if its meant to be that we are to be together then that's what will happen. He told me that he has felt for a while he may have to see other people to make sure that we are right for each other. He also said he did not act on it because he does not want to loose me. He is afraid that if he did it would mess things up between us and he may find out he was a fool at the end.

    He said if he ever needed to act on it he would talk to me about it. I told him that I would not be happy about it but I would not stand in his way. I don't want to be selfish and do something that is unfair to him in his process. Also if it came to this point I would want to set boundaries and he agreed. It may never come to that point but I wanted to make things clear. He told me not to worry and just go with what we have. I think that is what I need to do and cross that bridge it it does happen.
     
  15. Lexington

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    Nothing in your post seems out of line. In fact, it seems rather similar to the relationship I had with my partner back in the early days...except I was the one who was slow to say "I love you" and really fully commit. But we both stuck with it, and eventually, I caught up. You're doing the right thing - you're keeping each other informed as to where you view "us".

    Lex
     
  16. Chip

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    I think you've gotten a lot of good insight here.

    My take is, I think we're seeing a combination of commitment and control issues, likely arising from how hurt he was from his last relationship. His BF had to go and take care of his parent, which left him feeling powerless, and then his boyfriend continued to hold the power by refusing to come back, as had been the plan. So he took his control back the only way he could, by terminating the relationship. (As he should have.)

    By setting the expectation that he wants to have the option to date other guys, he's again asserting control, but this time in a less healthy way. He's not (as I think i understand it) seeking your *permission*... he is telling you that's what he might have to do. That's a big difference. But I don't think he's doing it intentionally and probalby not even consciously. The desire for control is probably coming out of the fear of being close. Same with the aloofness he's showing.

    At the risk of sounding like a shill, since I mention it all the time, Joe Kort's (poorly titled) book "10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Find Real Love" is the best gay relationship book I have ever read. It talks a lot about rebound relationships, intimacy and commitment issues, and all the sorts of things that will resonate for you about your current relationship.

    The other suggestion I would make, which I think would be a really, really good idea, is for the both of you to go to couples counseling. If you do it now, then with the help of a good therapist, you can take your communication to an even higher level, understand each others' fears and concerns better than if you try to do it alone, and I think you'll really deepen and improve your relationship.
     
  17. EM68

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    Thanks everyone for your input. I thought I was doing well with everything and I felt that I would go with the flow and if my bf needed to see others I would alow him and be by his side. Now I'm not too sure. I just can't get it out of my head that my bf may see other guys. Its just hanging over my head. I think if he does want to see others after being together for 8 month, then we may be over. I feel like he would be cheating on me. Whether its telling me or not I think its still cheating. I have huge issues with cheating. My day cheated on my mom and I have not been able to get the hurt that it caused her out of my head even after all of these years. I have not told my bf about this but I think I may have to tell him that I have issues with this. Also I am a bit pissed that after 8 months he can not call me his bf and we are just dating. I'm confused. I feel like I may need some space myself to figure things out.
     
  18. Eleanor Rigby

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    Ed, sweetheart, this kind of thing totaly can happened after 8 months, 8 years or 18 years.
    My husband and I have been together for 9 years now.
    After 8 months just before I leave for the UK, he told me he might want to see other girls, because he wasn't sure we were right for each other.
    At that time, we agreed that each of us could "experiment" on their side, as long as the other didn't knew about it. I don't know if he ever took advantage of it. I did, once and deeply regretted it after, but that's another story.
    After 2 years being together, a few months after I came back from the UK, he told me he wasn't sure to love me anymore, and he stayed for months without telling me he loved me.
    And 4 years after, I am the one who questionned our relationship for a while and needed to take some steps back.
    For the time being we are doing counseling for the past 3 months to work together on some issues we have, and I am sure we are going to get through this another time.
    Until now, we always managed to stay together, and to work on our issues : sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly, but I am sure that if until now we have been successful, it's that because the other always patiently waited for the one who had doubts.
    I know it is a stressful situation to handle for you, but I think you should stop torturing yourself about what might happen. What you know is that for the time being, he is not seing anyone else, and that if the situation occurs, he will tell you about it. If the situation occurs then you'll deal with it, but until there don't torture yourself trying to imagine all the things that could happen. In my experience, nothing happens the way you have planned it to happen anyway.
    Instead of making yourself miserable about what might happen, try to enjoy what you have. For the time being you have a boyfriend who cares about you. Make the moments you spend together special, enjoy them as much as you can, and there is a good chance that if he feels you're happy and confident about your relationship he'll be too.
    Take care, :kiss: Cécile
     
  19. EM68

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    I talked again with my bf last night. I told him how I felt and he was shocked. He thought it was not cheating. I told him that i thought it was because he would want to date other people. He told me then that he misspoke. He does not want to date or hook up with others. He just want to talk to other people in a platonic way. He said he wish he never said he wanted to see other people. He said he should have said he wants to talk to others see what they are about. He wants to do so just to make sure we are right for each other. If anything he says he wants to do it to make things stronger between us. I do feel better now. I know he never wants to hurt me or date other guys. I sort of feel like an ass for overreacting. I am going to just go with the flow, enjoy what we have and see what happens in the future.
     
  20. Mirko

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    Hi Ed! I think your approach to go with the flow is really the best approach. You have talked with him and I think it would be good to let things develop. For the both of you, talking to other people (including friends) is not a bad thing. Talking with others gives you a chance to see your relationship a bit from a different perspective, which can at times help with moving things forward and working on things that might not go so well at the moment.

    If things are meant to be, it will work out Ed. (*hug*)