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What the heck have I done?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by padre411, Jan 31, 2010.

  1. padre411

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    I came out for the first time this past Tuesday. I am an Episcopal priest and arranged to ride with a good friend. Rick is openly gay with a partner and rector at another parish in town. I came out to him at the beginning of the drive which gave us 4 hours to talk.

    I ended up coming out to 3 more people that I trust while at the conference. I have come out to 3 more people since then and will probably hold for a while.

    I have been married for 15 years and have an 8 year old daughter. The process of coming out is going to take a while.

    At this point I am home and should feel relaxed. Instead, I keep thinking to myself "what have I done?" I know it will take me time to live into the fact that I am a gay man but I'm feeling overwhelmed at the enormity of coming out, even to the carefully chosen people thus far. When will this quit giving me butterflies in my stomach?

    I apologize if I sound like I'm whining. :help:
     
  2. Zume

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    First off..Congratulations!!!..and you better hope the butterflies don't go away..it's the most wonderful feeling of coming out aside from the acceptance of the people you come out to. And considering you came out to that many people on your first week (or however many days) of coming out to anyone..is amazing. Also you sound in no way to be whining..whining is reserved for bad experiences :icon_wink..however it is overwhelming coming out for the first time. Enjoy the freedom..and welcome to the land over the rainbow :lol:
     
  3. s5m1

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    Padre, congratulations for taking what I know is a very hard and frightening step. I was also married for a long time, and I have young children. As with you, I lived a life full of depression trying to convince myself I was straight. We both know it does not work. Since coming out, I have found happiness that I never knew before, including a deep and meaningful relationship. It was a tough process but well worth it. A good therapist is critical. As you work through this process, I am sure you will have some ups and downs. Some days, you may wonder whether you can get through it. Eventually, though, it will start to get easier and your outlook on life will become so much brighter. I am now the happiest I have ever been.

    I found EC to be a great resource. For the first time, I felt like I was not the only person in the world who felt as I did. There are also some good resources available for married gays and lesbians and their spouses. One is a site called the Straight Spouse Network. http://www.straightspouse.org/home.php. The site has some good links, as well as recommended books for you and your spouse. COLAGE is another excellent site. http://www.colage.org. It is an organization for children with one or more gay parents, and there are some excellent books for gay parents listed on the site.

    You are going through a lot right now. Coming out to yourself is a huge first step, and you should feel very proud of yourself. Take it one step at a time and at your own pace. There is no reason to do it all at once, unless that is what you choose to do. We are here for you, so please let us know how we can help.
     
  4. padre411

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    Thank you.
     
  5. Sicsemper79

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    Hi Padre from a fellow (although lapsed) Episcopalian homo! :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    I don't have a ton of advice that hasn't already been said, but there are a lot of guys here who have been married before, some who have kids, and a ton who came out later in life. I suspect you know this, but you are not alone.

    Keep your faith. Be honest with yourself. There are a lot of smart people who have walked this road before. Seek them out and listen to what they have to say. I am only out to a few people myself, but I am already better than I was.

    Also, Welcome to EC!!
     
  6. Sylver

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    It is absolutely OK to feel overwhelmed by this. After all, you're making some dramatic changes in your life - you're in the process of redefining yourself. I liken it to being asked which direction you're facing when you're inside of a tornado. Everything is happening all at once and the emotions are all over the place. Be sure to give yourself some time to think about the whole thing and keep each step in perspective. Don't worry, in the long run it will all come together as the new you.

    I always get nervous about discussing delicate matters, so please take this with the sincerest honesty with which I raise it. I trust that you're keeping a careful eye on your family as you go through this very personal process. Your family is the most important thing in the world. You've probably already done this, but make sure you factor them into your plans, both directly and indirectly. For example, it could be devastating for them to find out about your true sexual identity through a third party before hearing it from you, so make sure you trust those you are coming out to first implicitly.

    Once you get an anchor (i.e. a few friends who you've come out to that you can confide in and trust), I'd think your family needs to be high on your list as the next step in your process (when you're ready, of course). I have no suggestions on how to do this (there are far more qualified people on this forum to help you with that), but I can readily put myself in the shoes of your daughter and realize that she'll need to know her dad still loves her and isn't abandoning her.

    I'm probably already preaching to the converted here (pun intended :icon_wink), but I feel obligated to make sure you don't get swept away by this whirlwind and forget those who are most precious to you.
     
  7. Lexington

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    What have you done? What needs to be done. Or at least, the first steps in what needs to be done.

    I guess I'll ask the big question. Does your wife know?

    Lex
     
  8. padre411

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    My wife may suspect but it remains unspoken. I'm missing half of my pituitary so we've been able to blame impotence on medical issues. I agree my family needs to be high on the list. At this point the people to whom I am out are fellow clergy and there's that whole non-disclosure rule when it comes to what people have shared.

    Peace, Mike+

    P.S. I'm thinking Episcopalian homos need to be its own club.
     
  9. Lexington

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    >>>I'm thinking Episcopalian homos need to be its own club.

    Or a punk band. :slight_smile:

    But yes, I'd say it might be time to start think about how to let family know. If memory serves, there's a support group of Episcopalian gay ministers. (My mother's Episcopalian, and I seem to recall us discussing it briefly.) Have you looked into that group?

    Lex
     
  10. padre411

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    I hadn't thought about that but it does make a catchy band name.

    I have a core of 4 good friends/colleagues who are helping me through this. 2 of them are gay, 1 is straight and 1 is a woman. 3 of them have known me and my wife for 15 years, the other 3 years. There is much concern that I tell were "well," gently, lovingly, compassionately.

    The only struggle here is that my wife is in school for 2 more years and I need to support her in that. I know I won't be able to wait that long to tell her and I'm wondering what it will be like to live together openly.

    On the work front, I have to be careful. I am unlikely able to stay once I am out to the congregation. I'm not willing to let this tear the community off. But it is very important that I make it the two years before this happens.

    Again, thanks everyone.
     
  11. Sicsemper79

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    It is certainly admirable that you recognize your responsibility to your family and your flock, however I think you will find, and probably already are finding, that once you recognize the lie, and admit the lie to yourself, it becomes much more difficult to continue that lie... especially to the people you care so much about. That is certainly the way it is working out for me.

    There are a couple of problems with this: Fist you will not be able to be the best rector you can be. In order to advise and direct people in your congregation, you MUST come at it from a place of honesty. Your faith has to be strong and you have to be comfortable with yourself. This gets a little tricky... because at the same time it is really not any of the congregation's business whether or not you are gay. My only point is that in your role as a spiritual leader, it seems that it would be difficult to talk to people about their marriages, or possibly even feelings of sexual confusion when you are not coming at your own issues from a foundation of honesty.

    Second, you will not be able to be the husband that your wife deserves. Not only physically, but also emotionally. You will find yourself tempted to start relationships with other men that are very fulfilling to you. Even if you are not in a sexual relationship with these men, you will be getting intimacy from them and not your wife. She will pick up on this, and while she may understand when she gets the full picture, she will resent it... I would. I am certain that in your counseling sessions with people in your congregation, honesty and communication are at the top of your list of recommendations.

    I mention these things, not to try to make your situation more stressful than it has to be, but to suggest that you make a plan that is realistic and is as compassionate to those you serve and love as it can be. If you can do this for two more years, you are a stronger man than I. However with a good counselor, as was suggested before, and a strong support group... there is a solution for you. Of that I am certain.
     
  12. Jim1454

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    Good morning Padre.

    When will the butterflies stop? Hard to say. In a couple of years maybe? It depends on how quickly you make some changes and move on.

    The 'what have I done' feeling isn't a good one - but I know exactly what you mean. As I said in your intro thread - it really doesn't matter what you've done. It's what you're going to do about it today that matters. And when you do think about the past and the things you've done, you know in your heart that you didn't do them intentionally to hurt anyone - and your wife will come to know that too.

    2 years is a very long time, now that you've come out to yourself and to a handful of friends. Keeping this all bottled up will be extremely difficult. Telling your wife about how you're feeling is probably the next step. And preparing yourself for that by speaking with a counsellor is probably something to think about. Having counselling lined up for her as well woudl be a good thing too.

    Even your daughter could be told - once your wife was on board and comfortable with the idea. As long as both of you can talk about it in a positive way, then she could also be told. But there's no hurry.
     
  13. padre411

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    Sicsemper79: You are right about the honesty when it comes to being a spiritual leader. But in reality I've been putting on a front, hiding who I am, for the 15 years I've been a pastor. I suppose my honesty could be questioned. What is certain is that my parishioners have never had all of me - I have always had to hold part of myself back. I've successfully compartmentalized this for a long time and have been an effective pastor. Yes, I could have been better, but I have not been bad. The problem is that I can no longer maintain the compartments. They are taking too much of a toll on me.

    As for my wife, yes, I am nervous. But at the same time we have been platonic for a long time and have been able to blame that on my medical issues. She has been comfortable with that but I can't believe she doesn't suspect. Yet as the line in the Dave Matthew's song Ants Marching, "these crimes between us go deeper."

    You are right, I don't know if I can make it two years but at least that is more hopeful that the other deal I made with myself a while back, that I make it until my 8 year old daughter graduates from high school. I would not survive trying to wait that long.

    Thanks for the conversation.

    Jim 1454: I have the email exchanges between me and my 4 friends saved. I keep rereading them and that helps me trust that I'm on the right path.

    I begin working with a spiritual director on February 12 and am working on a referral for an appropriate therapist. I have known I needed both of these for a long time but I also knew that if I was unwilling to tell the truth, they would be a waste of time and money.

    Thanks, again. for this conversation. It is really helpful.
     
  14. Sicsemper79

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    I certainly didn't mean to imply that you haven't been an effective pastor or wont be now. I just understand what happens when we (gays) finally start this process of really accepting who we are. It's why the title of this thread is so apt, "What the heck have I done?". You have started coming out... and I think we all know that once that ball gets rolling, it is really hard to stop. It's one of the reason we wait so damn long to do it, because we know, perhaps subconsciously, that once we open this box, it won't close again.

    I lied about my sexuality for more than 15 years (and counting for my family). However now, I just can't do it anymore. Our situations are certainly different and it sounds like you have a plan. Just know that there is a difference between not acknowledging being gay and coming to terms with it but still hiding. The latter is hugely more difficult.

    I understand not coming out to your congregation. This would create a split in your church (if yours is anything like mine was) and would make it difficult, if not impossible for you to stay. But I do hope you find an outlet. We are here to help with that. :thumbsup:
     
  15. padre411

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    I'm not sure I had a plan. I did plan my first coming out by arranging to take a 4-hour car drive with my friend Rick (gay, partnered, fellow clergy). What I didn't plan and what is surprising was coming out to the additional 6 people I did (mostly gay, all colleagues).

    Beyond this rapid coming out to 7 people, I'm hoping to take baby steps from here. I'm really looking forward to working with a therapist.

    I had to do a year of Jungian analysis when I was 27 as part of the process of becoming a priest. My analyst, Ernie, said when we came to the end of our year that I would likely come back to analysis in my mid 40's. It seems he was right and I wonder if he knew what I was struggling with even then (I held that back from him, somehow praying that God would "cure" me).
     
  16. Sicsemper79

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    This is all great stuff. Coming out should ONLY be done at your pace. There is no right or wrong when it comes to this, except going against what you KNOW to be right for you.

    So you have recognized that you need to slow things down a bit and plan a proper method to do this. Baby steps are a wonderful thing. Just remember, they are not stagnation, they are steps.

    So what's the next step for you? What needs to be done before you sit down with your wife and have "the talk".
     
  17. Sylver

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    In my own journey I've come to realize that if I'm really going to get this right, once and for all, then everything has to be on the table. EVERYTHING, no matter how difficult or painful.

    Like you I have accumulated a closet full of baggage and skeletons that will continue to haunt me if I don't haul them out into the open and deal with them, each and every one of them. I have years of lying to people that I love - I know I'm going to have to face them. I have self-esteem issues - those will have to be confronted. I made a horrible decision that hurt my very best friend ever just to keep myself in the closet - I'll have to make amends. Worst of all, I am trapped in a very confusing dysfunctional quasi-relationship with a straight guy who I live with and who I love and who loves me back "as a friend" but who can never be what I need but who refuses to let me go (years of psychoanalysis will never figure this one out). No matter how delicately I handle this or how much planning I put into this, I'm going to cause him great pain, but I have to do it. I'm not looking forward to any of these tasks, but as Sic said, once the ball starts rolling, there isn't any turning back. I have now exposed the lie to myself, and it's going to be quite difficult to repress it ever again.

    I will never truly be free to be myself until I look each of these squarely in the eye and deal with them. You have the same road ahead of you, and you won't be able to avoid it. You have a wife that needs to be told. You have a daughter that needs to be told with the greatest care. Even your calling as a pastor may need to be reevaluated if it can't be reconciled with the "new you". Things are going to change. Your best allies will be your understanding circle of friends, your team of professionals, us here at EC, and a whole lot of careful planning on your part.

    For me, the butterflies I feel right now are a combination of the exhilaration of self-discovery combined with the nauseating fear of what still lies between me and my freedom. I held off for a long time waiting at the open door of the skydiving airplane, hesitating to take the leap into the wild blue yonder, asking myself "What the heck am I about to do?!" And now that I finally got up the courage and took that step out into the free air only to realize that I'm careening towards the ground at terminal velocity with a flimsy parachute on my back, that's when I'm screaming "What the heck have I done?!?" I know where you're at.
     
  18. Lexington

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    You're getting some great feedback and advice here. I'll just add this bit real quick.

    >>>I held that back from him, somehow praying that God would "cure" me.

    As you presumably came to realize yourself, God doesn't cure homosexuals via prayer, or (apparently) any other means. I'm quite fortunate in that I never wrestled with the thought or belief that my sexuality was a curse. In fact, I've come to view it as a blessing. I haven't had a wonderful, happy, successful life in spite of my sexuality - I've done so partially because of my sexuality.

    Wishing you well on your journey, and as always, let us know if you need more help or insight anywhere. :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
  19. padre411

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    It's ironic that I've been faithful and consistent in affirming that being gay is part of the mystery of being made in the image of God in other people. I have a growing contingent of gay and lesbian parishioners and I believe have been helpful to some of them. Somehow, I've had trouble accepting this grace for myself.
     
  20. Lexington

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    That's something I've seen in others, actually. It's apparently easier to say "It's OK to be gay" than it is to say "it's OK for me to be gay". Presumably because when it's somebody else, you don't have to deal with all the ramifications as to what it actually means.

    Lex