I think I'm a lesbian, and that it's taking me a long, long time to transition from dating men, in part because I'm just so good at it... It never takes me long to find a boyfriend, and I hear I give pretty good blowjobs. heh.:icon_roll I'm still in love with my last male lover. I love him so much, I know he loves me, and I could see having sex with him in the future, but I know there will always be this nagging part of me that tells me I'm not doing what I'm supposed to be doing. It wouldn't be fair to him for us to be romantic again because I just wouldn't feel complete, ever. We even tried being non-monogamous, and it just doesn't work. Toward the end I was dreaming of women every night... Most of the time I feel like being a lesbian is this ghost that has haunted me for years, and if I don't cultivate this part of me and let it bloom, I'm going to explode. Metaphors mixed for your reading pleasure.... My heart hurts, I can feel his hurting too. Has this happened to anyone else? That being gay is so difficult because of straight love for a former lover/husband/wife?
similar but a little different. When I would have sex with a girl I only really enjoyed the end part, getting off. But, with a guy it is different: I love seeing him, I love the smell of their cologne, I love the feel of this skin and hair, I love kissing them, and of course I love the end result. Not really any advice, just a story there....
here's my advice, and with all advice, take it as you will. For one it seems that you have not fully explored women exclusivly...maybe try giving that a chance. I am not sure how old you are (age wise or emotionally), however, give yourself the freedom to explore that avenue, to experience what you wish, if it may come to you. I think that is fair to you and to him. you dont need to explain that to him, but it may resolve some conflict. Hugs and yes it may hurt some; it may be hard. In the end though, You will do what you need to.
Only one thing I don't get. You apparently opened up your relationship, but still "were thinking of women every night"...and you claim you "haven't cultivated this part" of you. Which seems to imply that you made your relationship non-exclusive and began dating/sleeping with...other men? Why, if that's not what you were interested in? If he was willing to go that far with you, why not keep the relationship active and open, and just date/sleep with other women? Lex
Being open didn't work for two reasons: One, I couldn't find any women who were interested in seeing someone who was also seeing a man, there really is no queer scene to speak of here. Two, any time I talked of a woman I might have a crush on, or might ask out on a date, huge jealousy issues would arise that he didn't think he had. And yes, I did end up sleeping with a man... he was easy pickins and I didn't really enjoy it. Still not sure why I did, it made me feel kind of gross. :icon_sad: I think it's going to be okay, I guess I was feeling emotional yesterday. I just moved to a new place and was sort of lonely, and when that happens you think of who comforts you. In this case, my friend...
Well, people don't usually desire to see someone who's already in a relationship because they fear the consequences of their actions and usually empathize with the other partner. Also, where in Oregon are you, may I ask? I am also in Oregon and I can tell you there's a massive queer scene but you just have to know where to look. A lot of them here in Oregon don't act stereotypical and thus are invisible if you're only looking for the superficial stereotypes. Another person to ask for help with this would be the advisor BeckyG. That probably means that he genuinely loves you and wants to keep you. While sex is one thing, forming a relationship with another female would be the end of yours with him. Easy pickins? That makes it sound as if you just used and tossed him aside. Where'd you move to, and do you mean your Ex or is he your Ex yet?
I don't know what part of Oregon you're in, but my sister's in Portland, and despite being straight, she knows a lot of lesbians. Being on the football team probably helps. Lex
(*hug*) It sounds like you might be a lesbian or at least a bisexual seriously preferring women. But since you added that you dream of women all the time, and can't feel complete with a guy, that sounds like a gay woman to me. I don't want to label you because that's up to yourself, but I remember that's how I felt. I could date guys, I had no problem finding boyfriends, but I just didn't feel that 'click' when you know you're attracted to someone. I had a serious crush on a guy in highschool though (emotional attraction) but we were too young. had we gotten physical I'm pretty sure nothing would have 'happened for me there'. I just felt voids" of where 'something was missing' whenever i was dating a man. I was dating some pretty nice guys too. Gentlemen etc. I even dated a bad boy thinking maybe it was just the 'type' of the guy--but no. It wasn't. It was guys period, that I didn't feel 'that' connection with. When I had my first experience with a girl my age, I knew. Sparks flew, everything just 'fit' into place in my head since 'this' was what I had been missing/needing. I hope it helps and I'm sorry you feel this way. I'm sure many of us on EC can relate to what you're going through. (*hug*)
Believe me he was more than willing to be a one night stand. I'm not into using people. I moved out of our house and into a house by myself. We were room mates before we were lovers. Since we're not having sex anymore I guess he is my ex.
Well, I don't really have any gay friends, and you have to be either a student or a middle aged yuppie to join any of the queer groups I've seen... it's just all so intimidating. I know I can do more to put myself out there, just venting I guess. Thanks, RaeofLite.
