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Just broke my father's heart today

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Sicsemper79, Feb 2, 2010.

  1. Sicsemper79

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    So I just broke my father’s heart today. I told him I was probably leaving his company to go out west and do a profession for which he does not have a high regard. It was the hardest thing I have ever done.

    To get the full story on what is going on, read my original post in this thread… http://www.emptyclosets.com/forum/showthread.php?t=31519

    I told him that words could not express the amount of gratitude that I had for him giving me this opportunity and that it has been one of the great joys of my life working with and for him, but I don’t think that it is working out. First, I am not as good at this as I could be. Second I don’t like it very much and I am not sure that it is the right profession for me.

    He didn’t take that part so badly, but he was clearly disappointed. He asked me what I was going to be doing, and I told him I was interviewing with a police department out west. He looked like I kicked him square in his gut. It was certainly not the worst case scenario, but it was pretty damn far from the best case scenario. He said I was too old to be a damn “cowboy” and that I needed to accept that that part of my life is over and I need to make some decent money. Ugh…

    Overall he really bit his tongue. He didn’t seem angry, but he did seem very disappointed. Then he went on about how he hoped I would get married one day and have kids… I was just quiet for that. There is just no reason the break the man’s heart twice in one day.

    At this point I am just sad. He is the best father anyone could ever ask for. He gave me a wonderful childhood. He and my mom worked their asses off to provide for me and my brother. He gave me a college education and believed in me enough to bring me into his company. He had such high hopes, and I feel like I just took a giant shit on all of them.

    I spoke to my mom a few days ago about it. She is on my side. I called her and she said she would talk to him tonight. Hopefully she can work some magic. Either way, I didn't have a choice... It would be irresponsible to stay in a place that I don't belong, living a lie, and allowing an overall very good relationship with my family to get toxic.
     
  2. The Paradigm

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    First off, (*hug*)

    You were right in following your Sic. That is never a wrong decision. However, when you've lived a lie that long, and you've fueled the fires of his expectations, it only makes snuffing them out that much more difficult. That's not your fault though.
     
  3. bouncingsouls

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    I'm sorry, I hope it all works out okay *hugs*
     
  4. Sylver

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    Let me start by offering you one of these... (*hug*)

    There are some decisions in life where it's impossible to have a win-win outcome, and these are the tough ones on both sides. I believe you did the right thing though, because when you have to choose between doing what's right for yourself and saving someone you love heartache, you ultimately have to do what's right for you. If you don't take control of your own life, it's not likely that anyone else will.

    I feel for your dad, but I think he'll eventually come to see this as a good decision for you. I had a father who expected me to live my life according to his vision for me, and I had to break his heart by doing my own thing (and it really did crush him). He's still not overly supportive of me despite the fact that my decision ended up making me quite successful. But when I step back and look at it objectively, it's obvious that I did the right thing. I feel bad that it didn't (and still doesn't) meet with his approval, but I'm the one who has to be accountable for my life, not him. I'm the one walking in my shoes.

    The bottom line is that you can only answer to yourself for your decisions, not to anyone else, even those you really love. If this decision of yours leads you to a better place in your life, he may come to realize that you did the right thing. If not, then at least you know you were true to yourself.

    And it doesn't mean you love him any less, and it's not disrespectful to him. He's been around much longer than you, and he probably knows as well as anyone else that sometimes tough decisions have to be made. Whatever you do, don't feel like you did anything wrong or anything that diminishes the impact he's had on your life. Just go out and be successful and happy and that will show him that you made the right choice much more than words ever could.
     
  5. EM68

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    I'm sorry to hear about how it all came down. Sometimes in life you need to do whats best for you. Sometimes it can hurt others. In the end however its your life to live. Life is too short. (*hug*)
     
  6. Eleanor Rigby

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    First thing, congratulations for talking to your father. I am sure this haven't been an easy decision to make and that it had requiered a lot of courage to do so.
    I am sorry your father didn't take it very well and that you feel he is disapointed in you. I know it's not a pleasant feeling, but the most important thing is that you do something you like. Once your father will realize you are happier with the what you have choosen to do than you were in your previous job, he might see things differently.
    My parents were not exactly please when I told them I wasn't going to finish my master in philosophy and become secondary school teacher (or even better a university teacher) as they wanted me to be, but that I was going to study to become a primary school teacher. But now that it's been 5 years that I am a primary school teacher, and most part of the time very happy in my job, they have realized that I have taken the right decision. And I think that they are finaly proud of me (kind of).
    I hope it will go the same for you and that your father realize that the most important thing is not the job you're doing, but that you are happy doing it.
    Take care, Eleanor
     
  7. Sicsemper79

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    I think he is going to come around on this. Unfortunately I was really trying to hold this off for a few more months so that I could give him some more definite answers about what I am planning. I think as plans get more firmed up, he will find himself more secure in my decision.

    It was frankly difficult watching him bite his tongue. I know what he wants to say. He wants to tell me that I am a fool and that I am just a kid and I don't see the world like he does. Unfortunately at 30 years old, I am not a kid anymore. That in and of itself is hard for him.

    I just wish I didn't have to do this to him. :/
     
  8. Sylver

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    You didn't do anything to him, you did something for yourself. Someday he'll come to realize that.
     
  9. Eleanor Rigby

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    I more than totaly agree with this.
    Besides, you're not responsible for your father happiness, you are only responsible for your own happiness. This applies to everything from coming out to do a job that you like.
     
  10. RaeofLite

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    I agree with James. You did it for yourself. You have to live your life, not someone's vision of what your life should be. You have to be happy and get up every day, look in the mirror and be happy/content tha tyou're living your life according to what you want or at least moving in that direction. :slight_smile:

    (*hug*)

    And detoxifying your life is one of the best gifts you can give yourself. This is a step, and once you continue, you'll start to feel so much better.
     
  11. Lexington

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    I think it went about as well as could be expected. (Odd that he thinks that police don't make "real money", though. I can't imagine what he'd think of my takehome pay...) As you know, your father has some rather specific expectations of you. Expectations that you have no interest in fulfilling. This doesn't make you a bad son - it just makes his expectations unrealistic.

    As painful and difficult as this step was, it needed to be taken, and I'm stoked that you took it. Onward and upward.

    Lex
     
  12. Zumbro

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    Congratulations on taking that step. No matter what happens, at least you've left somewhere you don't like. Don't take your father's disapproval to harshly either. Remember, he sees you going back into a profession where your life is at risk every day. He has to go back to worry about whether or not his son got shot at work. He'll get over it eventually though, and if not, well, there's nothing you can do about it. Just make yourself happy, and I think he'll see you made a fine choice. (*hug*)
     
  13. Sicsemper79

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    I had a pretty good talk with my mom a few minutes ago. I told her I was really concerned with how he took it. She told me that no matter what, I didn't need to worry about ruining my relationship with him. She told me he respects the hell out of me... which is kind of interesting, because I have NEVER thought he respected me. I knew he loved me, I knew he thought I was really smart and capable, but I NEVER thought he respected me. She is going to talk to him tonight. Hopefully she can put a little perspective on all this for him.

    I honestly think him finding out I'm gay will be less of a problem. But like I said, hasn't the poor guy been through enough today? :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    Hey, I did what I had to do.
     
  14. mmilam75

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    First of all....(*hug*)

    Second, just to reiterate what others have said, you didn't do anything to him as much as you made your life better by making the kind of changes you know you need to make for yourself. One of my favorite quotes from anything Shakespeare wrote is actually in your signature...this above all else, to thine own self be true. I think, as your father sees you moving towards fulfilling the goals you've set for yourself, along with the changes that brings in your life, he's going to become more confident and less likely to have a continued bad reaction. Congratulations on taking this step...hopefully, things will keep improving for you as you start making plans for applying to and, hopefully, getting accepted into a police academy out here on the west coast.

    Good luck with the applications, by the way! :thumbsup:
     
  15. Lexington

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    In a way, you stood up to your father. You basically told him you were going to be controlling your destiny. And that's the sort of thing that commands respect from people.

    Lex
     
  16. Chip

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    I suspect it's less about doing police work, or even thinking you're being irresponsible and more about realizing that he won't beworking side-by-side with you every day, and seeing you every day (if you move elsewhere). And perhaps he had hoped to be able to turn the business over to you in time, so I suspect it's more about feeling like he's "losing" you than that you're doing something terrible.

    You made the right choice. It was difficult, but it had to be done. And I think once he has a chance to think about it and sit with it, he'll be OK with it.
     
  17. Jim1454

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    I'm glad you had the talk - as difficut as it was. You're doing the right thing, and only if you're happy can you really have a healthy relationship with anyone - including your dad.

    Money simply isn't as important as some people make it out to be. While I was living in denial, money and image DID mean everything to me. I had to make my 'outsides' look perfect because my 'insides' were totally screwed up. We had the big house in the exclusive neighbourhood, the Volvo wagon, etc. And I was still miserable. Now that I'm living an honest and authentic life, I am completely satisfied with my townhouse in a much less desirable area. I'm totally cool with it - because those things in the grand scheme of things, don't really matter.

    Good luck with the job search!
     
  18. padre411

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    Congratulations on this next step, however painful. And welcome, at some point, to the west from here in Arizona.