I wrote this letter to my step father... I ran it by my Mum first and she thought it was nice. But I thought I'd post it here too... Dunno why! I'll let you know how it goes if you want. I'm gonna send it snail mail, cos he's a little old fashioned! So it will be a few days Oh, and names have been changed to protect the identity of those involved =D To Dean, There is something that I know has been bothering you lately. I am unsure whether we will discuss it, because I think we are both nervous about that. However, there are a few things I would like to say and clear up. I am aware that you are not happy with the news that I am gay, and also that you might have a few misconceptions relating to this. By writing this to you I am not expecting you to like that I’m gay, but I would like you to believe what I say, because I know me best. I am not the type of person to be persuaded or brainwashed in any way. Please recall that in year seven I wore my shirt tucked in for a whole year just because someone made fun of me for this on the first day of school! I am stubborn, and I don’t do things that I don’t want to do. Mum told me that you have been concerned that I was brainwashed into ‘becoming’ gay, and so I want to explain to you the process I went through to get to where I am now (hopefully without too much information! ). In school and uni I never dated guys. I thought I wanted to, because that’s what you’re supposed to want to do. I thought I wanted to get married and have kids. I thought that one day I would meet a guy and I would want to have a relationship with him. However, I always thought that kissing and ‘all that other stuff’ sounded gross. I think Mum will vouch for me when I say that I always told her I never wanted to “do the thing you have to do to have kids”. It wasn’t until I was about to move in with Barry that I started thinking about this. See, I thought I had a crush on Barry – which made me wonder why the thought of kissing him was so awful! I became very confused about this. I went through a stage where I thought I was asexual. I thought maybe I just didn’t want anyone. I was very sad about this, but I just knew I didn’t ever want to have a ‘more-than-friends’ relationship with a guy. In amongst all this thinking, the random idea that women are also an option popped into my mind. I started thinking that, whilst I didn’t know if this appealed either, it certainly sounded a lot better than being with a guy. I kept these thoughts to myself for a while, while I worked them out. Over the first half of 2009 I really struggled to understand my thoughts – part of me was very excited about being gay, and the other part was angry, or scared that it wasn’t true and I had led myself to a false conclusion. As you know I was seeing a psychologist, and after having discussed my feelings with her she told me about a group called a “coming out group”. This group really helped, as I was able to meet people who had gone through similar experiences, and was able to start feeling more comfortable with myself, and more certain. I continued to agonise over whether it was ‘true’ or not for many months, but there were things that helped me to understand myself. For example, during my placement at *** Hospital I got a crush on a girl (remember Jane?) – I had never felt that way about anyone, not even Barry! It was amazing. By the end of 2009 I knew what I wanted, and I was happy to say “I’m gay”. I started to tell a few people, e.g. Mum and Meg. It was very scary to do – each time I tell someone my heart still races. As you also know, I got back into contact with Sue last year. I actually started speaking to her around the time that I had a crush on Jane, and so it was great to be able to say “oh my God I think I like girls!!!” to someone who would understand. Sue, unlike Emma, is not pushy or judgemental at all. She would be more than happy for me to get a boyfriend or a girlfriend. She is sincerely happy to be back in contact with me, and I am very much enjoying speaking to her too. The above is just a summary of my 2009. I hope it can help to give you an understanding of what I have been working through, and help you to realise that this wasn’t a quick decision or a fad. I am extremely happy at the moment – I have a new social life, new friends, and a better understanding of myself. Being gay doesn’t change who I am. It really just makes me more fun to be around, because I am a good mood a lot more often! It’s amazing how many people have commented to me in the last few months just how much happier I seem. I don’t expect you to agree with everything I have said or to be happy about my sexuality. However I hope that from what I have shared with you, you can see that this came from within me, and that I am so much happier and more confident since discovering myself. I also hope that you can have some faith in my strength of character, and know that I would only ever do things that felt right to me.
This is a fantastic letter. It's also very personal, so as long as you're OK with revealing this much of your "inner process" to your step dad, then it will be obvious to him that it comes from the heart. You sound very confident in yourself and your decision to come out, and most importantly, it's got a positive tone to it. I think more than anything that will convey to him that it has been a positive experience for you and that he has nothing to worry about. Well done!
