I began coming out 9 days ago. At this point, 9 people know that I am gay most of whom are fellow Episcopal priests who I knew to be gay. I have been married for 15 years and have an 8 year old daughter. I really don't want to wait much longer to tell my wife. I don't want her feeling that she was the last to know but I hope she understands I had to build a safety net first. The other complication is that to avoid financial ruin I'll need to keep of the facade to my congregation for 2 more years. So when do I tell her? My Aunt is coming to visit on February 13. I'm in no way ready to tell her so to avoid weird vibes I think I should wait until after the visit. My wife's two sisters are coming to visit the first week of March. One thought I have is to tell her before they arrive so that she has them for support at the beginning of dealing with this. The other thought is that they will all immediately despise me and tell me so. Based on my sexual performance I can't imagine this will be a total shock to my wife. Her panic will be over security and stability needs which I intend to honor. Any input welcome.
You know your wife better than any of us, so only you'll know what's best to tell her. Thinking of her own support network is important though. Having someone to talk to about this will be critical for her. Her sisters might be just the ticket. Alternatively, a counsellor who would be a little less biased might also be a good idea. Getting my wife to see my counsellor was the best thing I could have done for her. Yes - she's going to be concerned about the future. That's natural. You'll have to do your best to reassure her that you're going to be there for her in what ever capacity she needs you to be. Try not to make assumptions about what you're going to have to do and for how long. Perhaps you'll have another opportunity come up that would be a fit even though you're gay. I don't know much about your denomination, but if some of your peers are gay, I'm not sure you should assume that you coming out will be the end of your present employment. My thoughts.
Looks like you've got a tooth to pull, and there won't really be any time when it'll be any less painful than any other time. If you really think waiting until after the aunt's visit is ideal, then plan to do so right afterwards. But don't sit around waiting for the "right moment" - the right moment never comes. Good luck. Lex
Someone needs to be brutally honest. You made mistakes and made committments which you are now about to break. You lay it out as if your two options are giving your wife a support network or not being despised. I would say that you have the responsibility and obligation to give your wife a support network and you are being completely selfish if you don't. I do think you're doing the right thing by telling her and being honest. You already have a support network, she doesn't. I cannot imagine how hard it will be for you, I have no obligations or committments to anyone. But I am a Christian, and I would expect nothing less than doing the right thing from a minister. I really hope it goes well.
wowww. best of luck. my mom is a widow, it has been very tough for her to be alone. sounds like she will be alone at some point. no way i can advise u when to do what, but best of luck dude. be honest to yourself.
I think, if I were you, it might be best to do this with the help of a counselor or therapist, so she has a professional to vent to and talk to and share with rather than just your telling her. Of course I don't know the nature of your situation and relationship so maybe i'm making it more complicated than it needs to be, but i think that might cushoin the blow and make her feel like she has more options. I do suggest reading the chapters on coming out while married in Kort's book that I earlier suggested. It has some really great insights into the process on both sides.
If you think it would not be a shock to your wife, I would tell her sooner than later. Especially if you are starting to come out to others, you don't want someone to to slip and mention something to your wife. As far as finding a 'right' time there is no 'right' time. Life will always get in the way and you will find an excuse not to tell her. You may want to tell her until after your aunt leaves but before your wife's sisters come for a visit like others have said so she has some moral support. Personally I agonized for months before I came out to my parents. There were a lot of things going on with my family last year. My dad was recovering from cancer, my brother was laid off and going through a divorce. It got to the point where I was stressing out by NOT telling them. With the help of everyone at EC I realized that there was no perfect time to come out. I just picked a date, went over to my parents and came out to them. It worked out in the end. My parents were upset because I held my secret in for so long. When ever you do come out to her good luck! (*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)
