just begging for pity

Well, let's move a step beyond where you're at. Why don't you want it to be your birthday? What about you as a person are you unhappy with?

Lex

 

Seriously? That's too bad! I'm not sure what would make you not want to celebrate your birthday, I don't know your circumstances or anything. But! You're alive you've got your health you're not eating from garbage cans life could be much worse (I know it's an annoying saying but I couldn't think of anything else) I think you're just in a funk.

Did you expect to be in a different place in your life or something? Whatever the case be proud of what you've accomplished and happy that you've been blessed with yet another year in the world! Some people would kill for that.

I say, buy a cake have a few friends over and celebrate. You're worth it and your birthday is definitely worth celebrating. I hope you feel better really really fast. Birthday's are few and far between and certainly are no time to be down in the dumps. It makes me sad to know that you don't think your birthday is worth celebrating! It absolutely is! (*hug*)

Happy birthday! : )

 

well there is one thing you can be happy about for sure your not buried under ten feet of snow like me

 

Birthdays are tough - they're a shock telling us that time is moving forward when really sometimes we don't feel like it is. They're emotional to get through too. On any meaningful day, it's incredibly easy to feel alone on them. (*hug*) I hope things can turn around for you.

 

Hey, sorry to hear you're down in the dumps on your birthday. The roller coaster of life sometimes hits lows at inconvenient times or on special days--and that really sucks. I know that when I'm depressed, I don't want any attention focused on me at all, and birthdays are just about the opposite of that sentiment. If you don't want to celebrate your birthday at this point in time, then, hell, don't. Do something different from your normal routine and see if you can't find something to celebrate every day!

 

for all it counts for I think there is Lot of ec members that would miss you...I hope you have a nice regular day...and if it get though just be like it'd my day bitch step off...may work may not but do what you can...

 

You might think no one would miss you but you would be surprised on how many people would Hang in there and i am sure you are loved by many even if they dont show it all the time

 

I have felt the same way in regards to the friend situation... With my friends from home it's very often that i'm out of sight out of mind. It's really tough and it feels like you wont be able to meet anyone new who actually appreciates you. I'm finally at a place where I can be myself and around people who actually care about other people. So it can turn around, I promise you! I used to feel like no one really cared about me unless they needed something from me, and that was deffinately true from most of my friends from home. Then when I transferred colleges (the first one sucked) I started meeting poeple with the same interests in me who hadnt known me for a really long time. And those people were in the same situation as I was, just wanting some friends to hang out with. When you meet new people, that's when you should start trying to open up. Calling up friends who never call you and trying to make plans is really difficult but new people dont mind that you call them, and chances are if you want them to call you, they want you to call them too!

 

I suppose I can say that I'm in the same boat. Since middle school I'd have maybe one or two friends. I only have one close friend currently and the rest are just there to say "I know him". They may not show a huge interest in you as a friend or even person sometimes but they are your friends and are there if you need them. The best thing that you can do is to not worry about it so much. When you find the right people or they find you..one, both or all of you will make the effort to be close friends. I know the EC community doesn't necessarilly count as "close" friends since it is by internet that we know eachother and not in-person but you do have to know that, as I have discovered, that the people here are your friends and the best damn ones you can have in my oppinion :icon_wink

 

Sometimes I feel that way. I know how it feels to be bummed in one of the special days, like festive seasons and/or birthdays.

In my case, I usually ended up not logging into Facebook, find a friend in the long list of handphone numbers in my directory, and start a conversation. Call if you feel like.

And don't beat yourself up - no one is to be blamed. Blaming oneself leads to depression too - so just relax. Yeah, it's hard to do it, but stay calm and cool. Tell yourself, "everything's gonna be okay tomorrow".

 

You're right that it's "easy for me/us to talk". But just because something is easier said than done doesn't mean the advice is unsound. It just means it's going to take a lot more mindpower, dedication and effort to achieve your goals.

I'm gonna expand on something Mirko said. It sometimes helps to break things down into smaller, manageable chunks. I recently lost about 35 lbs. But when I started, had I said "I'm gonna lose 35 lbs", I probably would've given up pretty quickly. Instead, I started with a much smaller goal - lose five pounds. It took some work, but I did it. Then I decided I was going to lose another five. And away it went. (And, honestly, I probably need to get back on that and lose another five. )

So maybe you have an overreaching goal of getting on top of your social phobias. And yeah, that's not something that can be accomplished tonight in your spare time, and it might look like a . So let's break it down into some smaller chunks. Two main angles of attack you might use to help move forward on the social front: "get help" and "be a better friend". (Not that you're a BAD friend - you just want to be a BETTER friend.) But let's break those down even further.

Be a better friend. What might this involve? As you say, you're pretty distant, and don't really nudge things along. So perhaps that'd be something to work on. Set yourself a smallish goal. Once a day, do something to nudge a relationship further along. Doesn't have to be the same person, doesn't have to be the same technique. But chat a bit after class with somebody for awhile. If you're "facebook friends" with somebody, send them a smallish message - a paragraph or so - about whatever. Look at their profiles for cues. Say you're happy they've now got a girlfriend, or that the concert they went to looked like a blast, or you're sorry to hear about their cat. Keep it short, keep it friendly, end with "see ya soon" or "hope to talk to you soon" (if they're not nearby, and you don't see them much). When you get responses, respond right away to encourage them to keep the conversation going. If you don't get one, don't get discouraged - try somebody else next.

Get help. You mention not having time, but the time commitment is usually pretty minimal - an hour a week or so. And most find that once they start attacking their problems head on, things start moving along in such a way that they have more time to spare.

Your best bet here is through your school's counselor. So again, break it down into simpler manageable steps. Do you know the counselor's name? Do you know where his/her office is? Do you know what his/her hours are? How might you verbalize or explain your problem? These are simple steps you can take towards getting help. Once those are ready, we can help you with the daunting task of actually asking for an appointment.

You may not be in a good spot right now, but don't feel you're resigned to it. You may have additional obstacles that others don't, but that doesn't mean they're insurmountable. We here at EC would be more than happy to help you over them.

Lex

 

Let me tell u a little story. My friend, let's call him AL, was fighting with a friend of his. AL's friend decided she would start a rumor about him, so she called her friends and posted on facebook, saying that AL had commited suicide. Within 30 minutes, this news had reached so many people. Tons of people that knew AL were calling him and leaving him messages crying and saying how sorry they were. Even a few people across the country, that once knew him, sent him messages.

Moral of the story: he didn't think anyone cared about him. I think now he has proof that atleast a few people care.

people care about you, you just gotta push to be around those people more often. Why not call up an old friend and ask to hang out??

 

First of all, you can consider me a friend any time! (*hug*) I really do care about all the people in EC, especially those who are going through a tough time. So by corollary, I care about you!!

People are funny animals. It's always amazed me how two people can go from not knowing each other and not caring what happens to the other (except maybe cordially) to loving each other and sharing their most intimate secrets. These were the same two people before and after, so how could there be two such wildly different reactions?

We set up barriers around us that separate the people we interact with into categories; the rest of the world, our friends, and those we love. The people you interact with interpret these barriers, which tells them whether or not they are candidates to be your friends (or something more). You've just happened to set your barriers for friendship a little higher than most, but that's not too unusual.

I've always been quite "socially challenged" myself, so I know where you're coming from. There were lots of reasons, but the bottom line is that I didn't have many friends in school, and none that I would call close friends. And at college it was even worse; I didn't have any friends at all other than lab partners. Want proof? I don't have a single high school or college friend on my Facebook page, and no one has ever asked. Years later, I still don't have many friends, but the friends I have are very close friends, and I can tell you from experience that quality is much better than quantity!

Any suggestions I can offer will involve you changing something about yourself or your circumstances, but they're not very hard changes make at all. Here's a few things I did;

- I broadened my horizons. Beyond the obvious places like school, I joined a couple of clubs that were fun. Getting out of college and into work exposed me to lots of new and interesting people. I also "cast a wider net" and was receptive to friends that were significantly older or younger than me. I didn't actively look for friends, I just put myself into situations where I was interacting with more people. Eventually some of these associations grew into friendships, and without my ever setting out to make them so.

- I would pick up the courage to say just one thing to one person I didn't know well. For example if I had heard that person talking to someone else about cars, I'd say "I heard you say that you like Vettes. Do you have one?" It was a bit tough for me to do this because I'm very shy around strangers (although you'd never guess from these forums!). It's surprising how many times this started a conversation with that person. The next time I'd see him, we had something to continue talking about. Eventually I came to like talking to some of these people!

- I'd allow conversations to wander outside of the "safety zone". I know that people with social phobias tend to limit conversations to the topic at hand and say the bare minimum. So if we were taking about a specific work project and as usual the conversation was limited to the task at hand, I'd throw in something as simple as "So what other kind of stuff do you like to do?" Again, that would often be enough to get a deeper level of conversation going.

- I eventually allowed myself to get closer to people (this took me the longest). Part of my problem was that I was shutting people out by keeping them emotionally distant and not wanting to open up to them - and they were picking up on my cues. So I would share an innermost feeling now and then even though I feared they would laugh at me (they didn't). I would give a person a hug when they needed it, even though I'm paranoid of physical contact. I would listen to them for hours on end if necessary, although I had to teach myself how to listen. And I actually started to care about what they had to say - it started to matter to me. As people began to realize that I was approachable, they began to get closer to me.

I really feel sorry for you feeling alone on your birthday - it is the special occasions like this that can remind you of how alone you feel. If you could only just get yourself out among more people, with no expectations, you'll find that most people are not much different from you, and that they'll want to talk to you if you let them. Next thing you know, you have some great friends! :smilewave