Where to start.. First of all, I have to say that I am not out to anyone yet. I am thinking about coming out though, so I'm sure it's not long now until I'm out.. Anyhow, I have a friend, and everytime the gay topic comes up (for example talking about gay celebrities etc), she says it's a sin and "unnatural". She wasn't like this before, I have no idea what happened. I think she has found God, cause she talked about going to this church. The more she talks negative about gay people the less I want to spend time with her. Sometimes I just wanna blurt out: well, if you think gays are unnatural, then I'm unnatural too. But I really don't want a small minded bigot like her beging the first I come out too. I have no idea what to do. I mean, she's a nice person, and all but this.. I don't know if this is too much of an issue for us to stay friends. I just can't bear it anymore. The worst part is that we have a mutual gay friend. And she says that his love for his boyfriend is "unnatural" and "sick". It really hurts and well.. I almost can't stand her anymore. I want to say how I feel without coming out and without sounding too much of a jerk. What should I do?
tough one. if it were me i'd spend less time with her. dont come out to her first, come out to people who u think will be loving and not judgemental. my thoughts
Agreed..find people who would be something of a ''safety net''. Maybe your family or other friends. The worst thing is for your first coming out experience to be a painful and bitter one. You need to keep a positive reserve of self-image and having people who you can rely on for emotional support if you need it is a wonderful feeling to have. So experiment and come out to other people who you think would be supportive right off the bat before you come out to your friend. Good luck to ya
Thanks, but it's not even really about that. It's about the fact that I have serious doubts about our friendship now. I do not know how I can stay friends with someone who has this view on gay people. I don't see how I can get passed this. And like I said, she has not always been like this. But she has gotten worse and worse, it's almost as she's brainwashed by that church. I guess steve is right, I just need to spend less time with her.
Have you tried engaging her on this? You don't have to use yourself as an example, since you have a mutual friend who's both gay and in a relationship. "Why are you so deadset against Fred being gay? Have you met Fred's boyfriend? He's a great guy, and they seem very happy together." I personally don't understand the "unnatural" argument. I mean, God gave us hunger so we'd eat food for sustenance, but most people have no qualms about eating sweets or steak or something else that might go above and beyond the sustenance level. Does she consider that sick and unnatural? We're born without clothes, and yet most of us wear them - sick and unnatural, too? Lex
I agree with Lex being as you have a mutual gay friend, the next time she says something negative about your gay friend and his boyfriend you could challenge her and say I dont agree with your comments/attitude towards gay people especially being as he is our friend, I find your comments hurtful/upsetting. Or you could ask her what it is thats changed her mind.
Thanks, but I tried using our mutual friend as an example, she was still saying that bigoted stuff, uunatural, sin, shouldn't be able to get married blah blah. I totally agree with what your saying but it's impossible to talk reason with someone who believes in a fairytale (the bible). Why did she have to join one of the most homophobic churches? Why not the state church which is much more open and accpeting towards gay people? This is just stupid and sad..
>>>I totally agree with what your saying but it's impossible to talk reason with someone who believes in a fairytale (the bible). Most religion is faith-based. And faith is pretty much the opposite of logic and reason. Faith is believing WITHOUT the benefit of proof or logical reasoning. Which is why it's resistant to logical arguments. It's not worth "reasoning" with somebody who holds fast to a religious tenet, especially if the arguments can be dismissed as an evil attempt to sway one from the "true belief". If she's at that point, and she refuses to consider the other side, then she's really not worth spending any more time and effort on. Go ahead and spend more time with that mutual gay friend of yours. Lex
Well if she really is set in her new found beliefs then bring up the point that is constantly thrown at religion..that jesus and the bible taught love..not hate.. And one of my favorite lines - Will god punish me for loving or you for hating? - if you get to the point where you need to use that one..go for it..a lil silver bullet for ya :icon_wink
Thanks, I'll do that. I'll try to have something like that up my sleeve. Like "hate the sin, not the sinner", "God is the only one who should be judging people, not you" or "what about loving thy neighbor?". Or what about just some common sense and respect someone for who they are? But I guess the last one would be impossible, since her faith comes inbetween. I'll give her one more chance, if she doesn't change her views on gay people (and I really doubt she will), then I just have to stop my contact with her. I even talked with my mom about this, without saying that I am gay, just that I think it's wrong of her to say that when our friend is gay, and my mom completely agreed with me. She understands how I feel about bigots. I just cannot be around people like that. My mom even said that she wouldn't be around people like that either.
It kind of depends on whether you're naturally a passive or aggressive person. A passive person would just terminate the friendship. Why would you want to let her negativity bring you down? An aggressive person will not want to let a wrong go unrighted. If you want to be aggressive on this, I'm not even sure you need to come out to her to take a stand. Use your common gay friend as a trigger to start the conversation then take her to task on her views. Come prepared with your arguments and go for it. And if she still doesn't come around to seeing things, then you're probably better off without her. Either way, you should take some kind of action rather than stewing about it. Drop her now, or give her one more chance and if that doesn't work then drop her at that point. Move on and direct your positive energies to coming out to people who are more likely to give a positive response as the others have advised. Let us know how it works out! :smilewave
My roommate did the same thing to me. He talked about two guys kissing being "gross". It was an emotional hell for me. I can't tell you how often I cried over losing that friend. Thing is, when we were closer, I was more of a passive person and not out to anyone. I didn't have the guts to tell him off. Who knows, maybe that would have saved our friendship. Just a warning though-it is VERY hard to cut someone out of your life. Post-college graduation, it wasn't until the homecoming football game that we even spoke or saw each other, and just recently he started texting me again..I'm thinking it's to butter me up and try and get me to come to his wedding, but to be honest, I don't think he will come to mine-so why should I go to his? I guess what I am trying to say is that is is very hard to remove someone completely from your life without firmly telling them that you no longer enjoy their company and you would be happier without them (as harsh as that sounds).
