Is it okay to be (safely) promiscuous? / More of my drama

as long as you're not hurting anyone, or screwing with anyones feelings, and being safe then you are an adult and can whatever you want.

Plus you're 23 that is an exploring age.

 

Hey newkid, so I’m in a similar place in my life, where I’m also 23 do not have much sexual experience and am finally starting to accept myself for who I am. I’m also somewhat prudish and the whole promiscuous lifestyle doesn’t really fit me as well. In all honesty thought I don’t think there is anything wrong with what you are doing and it is appealing to me too (haven’t acted on it much). There is another thread somewhere that talks about a “second adolescents” for us that are now in our 20’s or so and just starting to realize and figure out who we are. So I think it is perfectly normal what you are doing. Some things though you should think about is while you are exploring and experiment you need to be careful in not hurting the other person. Its best obviously if you do this kind or thing with like minded people in my opinion. Of course there is the possibility of finding someone during this process that becomes more than just a one-night stand or friends with benefits which of course is fine. So again I don’t think there is anything wrong with what you are doing and sometimes its important to explore and not rush right into a relationship. You are still very new to everything and I’m sure there is still a lot more to figure out about yourself and what it is exactly what you want and its important to really know yourself before committing with someone else. Anyway hope this is somewhat helpful and good luck and have some fun!

 

Now there's an interesting question! Let me give two answers.

The pre-coming out me (prudish, indoctrinated, internally homophibic) would have played the stereotype card - "There's another gay doing what they do best and most!" I would have politely told you to keep it in your pants. But then again I would have also asked you if maybe there was a nice girl somewhere out there for you...

I'm a very different "me" now, so I have a different answer. I think there's a gray area between promiscuity and monogamy. I think it's natural for anyone to need and want to "test the waters" to whatever extent before looking for something more serious and lasting and possibly settling down. I think it's even more important for gays to do this, because we have often been forced to repress our sexuality during the most critical adolescent years, yet we still need to go through the same discoveries as heteros.

However I've also seen people fall into depression or despair if or when they realize that they were deluding themselves and they were doing this for reasons that didn't align with their deeper emotional needs. Playing the field is a game with consequences and with rules, and both parties must accept those rules up front or someone is going to be hurt. You have to know this going in.

The answers to your questions lie within yourself. Be very conscious of your feelings and why you do what you do. Make sure your actions are congruent with your emotional needs and state. If you feel genuine about playing the field, then do so freely and without guilt (with appropriate precautions, of course). Make everything you do a conscious choice so that you never fall into a rut. If you suspect that you're trying to fill a void or you're doing this for reasons that it can never fulfil, then you might want to evaluate other options for exploration or discovery. There are excellent non-sexual opportunities to engage with others and develop relationships, and they often carry less emotional risks than playing the field.

Bottom line, know why you're doing it and then do what you feel is right for you.

 

My general belief is that there's nothing wrong with being promiscuous so long as you play honest, play nice, and play safe. So let's tackle those one by one.

Play honest. This means being honest with yourself and with the guys you hook up with. You make it clear that you're interested in doing something physical, but that's it. And I think it's important there be no "crimes of omission" here. Saying "well, I never SAID I was looking for a boyfriend" the morning after isn't really being honest. Making it clear that you're looking to have fun for the night only does.

Play nice. Basically, the Dan Savage rule - leave them better than you found them. Don't go hook up just to get off, and then leave them hanging. Make sure the hook-up was as enjoyable for them as it was for you.

Play safe. If you're planning to move into anal, you'd best start stocking up on condoms and lube, and learning how to use them. No excuse for getting caught flat-footed your first time, and thinking "Well, I know I'm clean, so it's OK." No. Always.

My only other additional caveat - and it's a significant one - would come from reading between the lines of your posts. It sounds like you originally went into "the world of gay sex" hoping to fulfill an emotional need. You wanted "someone to share your life with". And since you appear to be having trouble finding a boyfriend, it sounds like you might be swapping "having someone to share your life with" with "having a succession of someones to share your nights with". And again, there's nothing wrong with that from a physical standpoint. It's problematic if it's meant mainly to fulfill some emotional need. If you're just enjoying the sex, and you don't hook up with someone for a week, you jerk off, and life goes on. But if it's more of an emotional need you're looking to fulfill, your right hand isn't gonna cut it. You'll feel a void, and you'll be determined to fill that...to the point that your standards are going to start lowering really quick, and those three guidelines above will get looser and looser. You might start getting more dishonest with your hook-ups, or not turning somebody away who isn't interested in safe anal sex...because it might mean not having somebody that night.

The thing is - it's not always easy to tell which side of the fence you're on. Your mindset might be purely on the physical, in which case, it won't be much of an issue. Or you might just THINK it's purely on the physical, whereas the hook-ups are actually fulfilling something more emotional. I don't have much advice on that front other than to proceed with extreme caution. Because if it does end up that it's more of an emotional need you're filling, I don't know if you can simply "call an end to it" once that becomes clear...

Lex

 

Oh I dunno... I think my right hand is possibly more emotionally fulfilling than some of the guys I've met.

:lol:

But yeah, good advice!

 

So I've quoted what I feel are the relative parts. And I think some people may already have kinda hit on this, and I'm sure some people have already said this but I like the sound of my own typing, so...

I am (if you read some of my posts) totally all for promiscuity/fooling around/experimenting. I think people should have way more sex than they do and in particular I often wish a lot of the people here on EC were less "I want a soulmate/lifepartner at age 16/17/18/etc." In general I think people are often totally sex negative, as if sex is a dirty thing unless it's between two people who are in LUUUUUUV and are planning to spend the rest of their lives together. Of course, if you compare actual reality to what people often say, you'll find that people, and especially when they're younger and/or newly-out (because the whole "delayed adolescence" thing that was touched on above can really happen at any age, if you happen to come out late), often talk about wanting a steady partner/boyfriend/girlfriend but they're dating patterns/sexual histories make it clear (because there are usually tons of short-term relationships that people initially have) that either they don't ACTUALLY want a LTR (long-term relationship) or at the very least they certainly aren't equipped to have one successfully.

So... I wish people would be more casual about sex, because part of the reason sex is such a "big deal" in our society is because we make it such a huge deal.

All that being said, I have not always successfully been able to practice what I preach. That's not to say I haven't had a bunch of sex with a bunch of people (whether it's "a lot" is kinda relative depending on who I talk to)--but what I found about myself is that I personally tend to get emotionally attached to the people I sleep with, at least somewhat.

From what you've said, you're ambivalent about the idea of having casual sexual encounters. It would be hard not to be somewhat ambivalent in our society because, as I said, society really does a number on us with respect to the idea of what "good sex" is. But you sound a little more like you're "emotional" rather than "practical." For some people, sex is sex is sex. For other people (I'm definitely one), sex is rarely just sex because of its intimacy and the "emotional wiring" of the person having the sex.

Now, that's not to say you can't have fun casual sex that doesn't twist you up into knots. But if, as you describe, you were being emotionally drained because you were pining away for this guy you were having a "friends with benefits" relationship, then maybe instead of having LOTS of casual sex, you should consider having SOME casual sex, preferrably when non-drunk, and keep an eye on your emotional state. It is true, I think, that's it's easier/more convenient to experiment sexually when you younger but at 23 you are hardly ancient, so I don't think you should feel a RUSH to hook-up with people. Even when I was having pretty regular sex with a variety of people, I said "no" plenty of times. You can have lots (or some) casual sex without being totally unchoosy.