I am 10 days into the process of coming out after 36 years of being attracted to men. I came out to my wife 24 hours ago. I'm still amazed that this is no longer my darkest secret. What occurs to me, just now, is that I have hated myself for 36 years. What a mind-f*** that is. Yes, I'm in therapy and I'm sure this is something I'll be dealing with. I'm just curious if this resonates with anyone else and what the journey out of self-hatred has been like.
Welcome to the club. Unfortunately I can still say with 100% sincerety that I really, truly, deeply HATE myself. I think I am abominably ugly, I don't like one aspect of my body, and I can barely look at myself in a mirror. I believe that when I succeed it's in spite of myself. I am a poster child for self-hatred. I believe there are lots of factors underlying it - dysfunctional parents, a punishing religious upbringing, being bullied at school, and I'd also include being gay in there (I'm not quite ready to accept it as a positive aspect of my being just yet, although I'm getting closer). I also think it's something I was born with, maybe a predisposition towards low self-esteem. I've been meaning to start a separate thread about the relationship between homosexuality and low self-esteem. I'm gay, and I have insufferably low self-esteem. I've often wondered whether accepting my sexual orientation is actually my root issue, or if the low self-esteem is the root problem that's manifesting itself as difficulty in accepting who I am and coming out. For example, I'm stalling coming out to my parents. Why? I think it's because I'm afraid they'll abandon me outright and I'll lose whatever little moral support they are providing (which is almost zero). That doesn't sound to me like a problem with coming out, it sounds like a problem whose origins are in low self-esteem. If I had self confidence, I wouldn't care what they think and I would stand up for myself. So like you I'm starting to wonder if the self-esteem and self-hatred issues are the real problem, not my sexuality or "sexual identity". I'll be making part of my journey out of self-hatred through EC, because I've found it to be a safe environment where I can say almost anything I have to and not feel ashamed or paranoid (although I still do break out into a sweat before hitting the "Post" button on many of my posts). I'm also talking this through with my sister (she's an MD) and that might lead me into therapy, an idea I'm coming to think might be good for me. So my journey out of self-hatred has only begun and I'm pretty much at the very beginning. But I share your thought that it's a mind-f***, and it's proven very difficult to overcome so far.
I don't think I had a period of self-hating. I was, however, a chronic pessimist while in the closet. That has lessened greatly since I admitted to myself I was gay, and even more so when I started coming out.
Given what history has left on our doorstep, how can any of us be expected to come out with ease. Our parents are not at fault for being heterosexual enough to make us in the first place, but with some exceptions, they cannot know what we have been and are going through. Sometimes in other times and places, people who we would now call gay did what they did "on the side" or before marriage or in any other numerous scenarios. Are we perhaps among the first generations to make a distinction on "orientation" ??? Is this the first time that the "love that dare not speak its name" is shouting at the top of its lungs? "I AM HERE AND I AM QUEER." And a movement was born at Stonewall that DID NOT start there. I propose canonization for St. Oscar of Wilde who was himself not doing anything new. My favorite love story is between the Roman Emperor Hadrian who loved a boy named Antinous. But even that ended sadly with the boy's murder in Egypt. Hey guys, the struggle is not new, but something New is coming. I was doing it years ago, you are doing it now, EC is helping us along. And we are not going back into that closet. Closets are for clothes...
This resonates really deeply with me. I am 34 now and spent the first 30+ years of my life despising myself. It's gotten a lot better, and I am at a really good place now, but it's not an easy thing when you're told that who you are is somehow wrong or sinful, and it doesn't take long before the mind of a young man creates a pattern that is very self-destructive. If you ever want to chat, please feel free to send me a wall post or a message anytime!
There is a correlation between being gay and low self esteem, but it isn't a causal one. The issue is that the majority of us grow up as an invisible minority, constantly hearing slurs and insults and jokes that are making fun of us, often directly from our parents or friends. There's no evidence that I'm aware of supporting a genetic predisposition to low self esteem; that is, at least according to current thinking, entirely environmental, but there may be (there's little research) some predetermination about the level of resiliency a person has, meaning, how s/he handles adversity and how easily s/he bounces back from negative situations. People of color and people who are disabled (two other commonly made-fun-of groups) don't have this problem quite as much because most people have enough decorum to not make insulting or racist jokes or comments in front of people they know would be insulted or offended by them. Yet the majority of gay people have nothing about them to immediately tip people off that we're gay, so we hear these jokes and comments, and we internalize the stereotypes and negative attributes. And as much as we say "it doesn't matter" or "I'm not bothered by those sort of comments", it simply isn't true. It can affect us very deeply, particularly if we hear things like that continuously from an early age. Any time you are dealing with anything involving emotions, and particularly if it is something where you're putting yourself out to be judged by someone about something you feel any level of embarrassment or insecurity about, you'll have a tendency to put it off or avoid it; no one wants to take the risk of being judged or humiliated. That's human nature. So staying closeted for a long period of time makes sense in that context; we tend to only be willing to change when the pain or fear of staying where we are is greater than the pain or fear of changing. And once that happens, we move forward. It isn't always a rosy and drama-free outcome, but it is almost always a positive thing in the long term.
Like others have said, welcome to the club. I've just started to learn what it's like to not hate myself, and it's nice.
I felt that way also. For years I hated myself, even before I realized I was gay. I tried to date women and it was a failure. No feelings, no sexual attraction, nothing. I thought I was broken. About 6 years ago when I realized I was gay I hated myself because I thought I would live my life alone. I thought if I ever came out to my family they would disown me. Once I accepted myself the self loathing went away. I came out to my family. They accepted me and if anything I feel closer to them. Also I have a bf. So I know I am capable of loving and being loved. Before I was looking for love in all of th wrong places. :lol:
I've always been kind of self-loathing. I can't stand to look at myself. I don't remember the last time when I was ever truly satisfied with what life has granted me. I have always been a cynical, bitter bastard. I don't think one can feel more numb than myself.
I think gays do have self-esteem issues, but I don't think it's as simple as all that. Because feeling "different", alienated, belittled, scorned is not something that exclusive to the homosexuals. I'm thinking of my straight friends, and the abuse THEY got - J was really dorky, A was a nerd, M was oafish. And all of THEM had self-esteem issues that they had to work through. And yes, like most people, we have days where we feel uglier, and dislike ourselves more. But we all go through it, and generally are in much better spots now. And did so by roughly the same path. Learning that there's nothing wrong with being an oaf, dorky is fine, nerds are cool, and gay is OK. Lex
