I've mentioned this guy in subsequent posts, ugh, he tries to please both me and his boyfriend and I'm not sure how to take this now. Last night him and I had a talk. We went out after the show with some others and as we left, I asked if he had fun. He said he did but that he got bombarded with text messages about where he was? when he'd back to the hotel? why he has to go and stay out so late .. etc .. I told him that he has the right to have fun and that he should kindly ask his boyfriend to trust him and allow him to do things. I don't know ... i've explained this story too much .. i felt like such a jerk to him when I told him he doesn't need to apologize and make excuses for his boyfriend. That he has done nothing wrong and he's a very good guy. He said his bf has had issues in the past with other boyfriends, I told him that its unfair to him to have to pay for past boyfriend's mistakes, that he owes him nothing for past people and that he needs to take the time and put himself first. *sigh* I don't know. I'm trying to be a good friend, I'm trying to get him to have some fun every now and than. I don't know. This is a really tough situation and I don't know what else to do. Even before this and now especially after this he has just been extremely nice to me, doing me favors .. etc .. I'm confused. I don't get it, even if there is anything to get.
The boyfriend likely has low self-esteem and deep down doesn't believe that he's worthy of a boyfriend (your friend) who won't cheat on him. This is exacerbated by the previous boyfriend who cheated, but the core problem lies with the boyfriend's unwillingness to trust, which comes from a fundamental lack of confidence that the relationship itself is solid. And the unfortunate thing is, by being so paranoid, he essentially makes his boyfriend (your friend) more likely to *want* to cheat. There isn't a lot you (or your friend) can do. Until the boyfriend does some work on himself and begins to love and believe in himself, he's going to have issues with trust in relationships.
Is that what you want to happen? Because to be honest, I sort of have seen you angling in this direction for some time. Let me back up. When this tour of yours first started, you were quite excited. You were going to be rooming with this nice gay guy, and you were all set to bond with him, and become fast friends (and maybe more). Then you found out this guy "didn't want to do stuff". He had a boyfriend, and so he didn't want to do anything on the nights off. And this made you unhappy. You weren't getting what you wanted. You asked me for suggestions on what to do now that you were stuck on your own. I gave several. But apparently, none of them were as appealing as your original idea - have fun with the guy, bond with him, and become fast friends (and maybe more). So you've set about to do just that. You've "encouraged" him to go out, and to ignore his "clingy" boyfriend. And if that makes the boyfriend jealous, hey, that's not YOUR problem. YOU want to have fun, damnit. I know. You're being "helpful". It's so easy to do, isn't it? I can't count how many times I've heard variations on the same theme. "Yeah, he's got a boyfriend, but he's all WRONG for him. He's clingy/neglectful/uncaring. I'm doing him a favor by helping him get out and have a good time. And showing him he doesn't have to be stuck in this clingy/neglectful/uncaring relationship." Gargoyle calling bullshit. If somebody IS in a negative relationship, yes, I encourage them to think twice about staying in. But not if I've seeking to gain from it. Which, frankly, I think is the case here. If I go into a store and buy something, nobody says I'm "helping the store". They say I'm buying something. I'm doing something and getting something in return. And that's what's going on here. Perhaps you ARE giving him a good time, but not out of altruistic reasons. But because you're bored. And because you've wanted to spend time with this guy. From very early on, I figured that that might be what you're angling for. And most every thing I've heard from you since only makes me more convinced of it. So with that, I'll bow out of the conversation, and work on formulating a response for a bit down the road - when the guy breaks it off with you and goes back to his boyfriend (or another guy), and you want to know how men can be so duplicitous. Lex
I don't want you to feel like people are piling on to you here, but I think you really, really need to hear this. *IF* your friend is starting to doubt his relationship with his boyfriend, and *IF* you were to encourage that (or even "conveniently" be there if/when it does) that would be incredibly, incredibly tacky. You claimed that you knew the guy was attached and were only interested in being his friend, and now you're all the sudden asking if he's starting to like you? WTF? What kind of friend are you? Put yourself in the position of the boyfriend for a moment. Somebody like you -- who is just waiting for the chance to steal his boyfriend away -- is EXACTLY what he is concerned about, and why he is jealous. How would you like it if someone did that to you, in a relationship you were in? What sort of effect do you think your actions (if successful) might have on the boyfriend? And beyond that, if your friend did break up with his existing boyfriend to be with you, what would that say about him? It basically would mean that he'd just do the same to you when the chance came along. As lex alluded to, this is the sort of fucked-up stuff that gay men are always complaining about, yet so many of them never miss a chance to do it themselves. Your friend made it clear that he has a boyfriend, that he didn't want to "do stuff." That means, if you have any common decency, that thinking along the lines you suggested is off limits. Even if the relationship ends, if you have any decency, it should STILL be off limits. Both for your own good and for your friend's.
Whoa. I'm not trying to break anyone up. I just asked if people though he may like me, just because he's just been awfully nice to me. I'm not use to another guy, whether single or taken being that "nice" to me. So its just very confusing to me. In no way what so ever would I ever want them to break up. I do believe this guy isn't treating him with respect and giving him the trust and freedom he deserves. Yes, I may like him, but I do understand he is off limits and I respect that. I just have a hard time with his moods, one day he is upbeat and happy. Yesterday we were at the mall and everything was going good until he got some sort of txt and than he withdrew himself from the group. I don't think anyone should have to go through emotional strain like that every other day. My intent is not to move in, it may sound like it. My intent is just to make sure he's happy. Yes, I need to distance myself ... I'm trying ... I don't want to be involved. I just can't help being with him and than he gets some txt that upsets him and I have to be the one to cheer him up. I don't know. Its a crazy situation for me and I think things are just getting misconstrued. I'm sorry. I don't know what to think or do.
Hi there! He might like you, but as a friend, and nothing more. I have friends who are really nice to me but that doesn't mean that they want more so to speak. If you feel that his bf isn't treating him properly, just talk to him and let him know that you will be there for him if he wants to talk. You can also tell him that you are a bit concerned because you have seen his reactions when he got some text messages. Let him know that you are a friend he can count on. But leave it at that. Your friend needs to be the one coming to you and say 'hey, can we talk?' At the same time, and as you have mentioned, if you need to create some distance do that so that if he does need your help, that you are ready to give that help in an unbiased way.
This is just it though. You don't HAVE to cheer him up. His happiness is actually HIS responsibility - not yours. If he's going to let a text message from his boyfriend get him down, that's really his problem. You are responsible for YOUR happiness - not his. I've said it before... He's a coworker. Period. Coworkers have good days and bad days. They have personal lives that often result in them having good days and bad days. But as a coworker, it's none of my business what it is in their personal life that causes them to be happy or sad. I can make myself available to talk if they want - but I certainly don't see it as my responsibility to cheer them up. At the same time, if a coworker is nice to me, I don't assume it's because they're 'into me'. I assume that they're being pleasant. Just as I am often pleasant with them.
Not to beat a dead horse, but why would you be asking if he was maybe liking you back if you really understand he's off limits? No one can make anyone else happy, nor is it yours (or anyone else's) responsibilty to try to do so. Unless he directly says "I feel shitty and i'd like to talk." He is making the choice to have the current relationship with his boyfriend. It is not your place to cheer him up, or take any action to effect the emotional strain (or lack thereof) that he's going through. No, you don't. To believe you do is a codependent behavior, and if he buys into it and allows you to do that, then he is also being codependent, and that isn't healthy for either of you. I think your best choice is to find other friends in the touring company, and put some distance between you. It sounds like you are having real difficult maintaining objectivity in the situation, because you are attracted to him and don't seem to be able to maintain good boundaries with what is or is not appropriate as a friend. The best way to help yourself (and him) keep that situation from getting worse is to provide more space (emotionally and in terms of time spent together) between the two of you. If you're rooming together, it's easy enough to just do separate activities when you're not in the room, and to allow each other to have space when you are in the room. I understand this sort of thing may be difficult, but it may be an opportunity for you to really look at yourself and your behaviors and make some really meaningful change in yourself that will help you when you're back home again.
