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Anxiety issues

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Katherine, Feb 9, 2010.

  1. Katherine

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    Ugh, I feel like I post about my insignificant problems too much. I'm sorry.

    It's just.... I hate this so much. I just want it to stop. I can't take it anymore.

    As most of you know, I'm in a relationship for the first time right now. We've been dating for almost a month and a half, and I really, really like her. And I know that there's nervousness and anxiety in every relationship, but mine has become way too severe to be anywhere close to normal.

    I'm so terrified that everyone I love is just going to randomly abandon me. I don't know why I have this fear, but I do, and it's become ten times worse now that I'm in a relationship. Every day I feel like it's only a matter of time before she's going to realize that she wants to break up with me. If she doesn't text me for more than a day I freak out, thinking she's avoiding me. I overanalyze every tiny thing she says to turn it into something that makes it seem like she hates me. I've gotten to the point at which I constantly feel uneasy about it unless she specifically reminds me that she doesn't, in fact, plan to leave me. Sometimes I just want to go up to her and ask if I she can just hold me for a while until the anxiety goes away, but I can't even bring myself to do that. And her reassurance only temporarily makes me feel better, because the irrational side of my mind is still saying, "Sure, she still likes you NOW. But what about tomorrow?"

    I feel like I'm going crazy. I don't know what's wrong with me. I know that if I don't get a handle on my emotions, I'm going to end up screwing up the relationship for good.

    I just want to feel better. I want to be able to be in a normal, healthy relationship with someone I feel strongly about. I want to be able to handle it if she decides to spend a day with her friends instead of me. I want to be rational about things, which is clearly not what I'm doing now.

    Also, I am completely and utterly inept when it comes to showing affection. It's ridiculous. I can barely even reach for her hand without her initiating it first. It doesn't make any sense, because I love it when people show affection toward me, but I just can't initiate anything. I feel like I'll be doing something wrong, or she'll think I'm too clingy or something. I hate it.

    Please, someone tell me they have some tips on this. I just don't know what to do. Every day I just feel so unsettled and anxious about everything, and I just want that horrible feeling to go away. I want to be normal.
     
    #1 Katherine, Feb 9, 2010
    Last edited: Feb 9, 2010
  2. Sylver

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    Katherine, you and I are quite similar in this respect. I have a few years on you :slight_smile:p) so I can now realize that what you're describing is fear of rejection in all it's insidious manifestations. It comes from all kinds of psychological junk deep inside, and it can seem quite hard to overcome. At least initially...

    Let's start by saying unequivocally that there's nothing "wrong" with you, at least not in the sense that you are alone or unusual with this problem. I think most people have some degree of anxiety about their relationships but for them it is balanced or controlled, whereas others (like you and me) are maybe a little hyper-sensitive to it. I do know that it can become a problem if it starts to interfere with your relationships, and it sounds like this may be where you're at.

    I am tempted to give good-sounding advice like "just go with it" or "don't worry yourself" or "take things as they come", but I know as a sufferer that's not what you want to hear, and I'm not sure it's all that helpful. If you could talk yourself out of thinking these thoughts, you probably would have by now. You're coming for help because you need more than just words.

    I also don't believe that there's just one answer, specifically because of the complexity of human relationships. One thing you're not going to want to hear is that a relatively high percentage of relationships DO fail, not because there's something wrong with you but because of the natural process of interpersonal discovery and how it reveals either compatibility or incompatibility. And remember that relationships have to be mutual, so both sides have to confirm compatibility if the relationship is to progress.

    Here's a totally goofy analogy that's not far off the mark - I went to the grocery store today to pick out an apple for myself (this really happened today, by the way). I looked over a few different varieties to try and find one that looked positively delicious to me. I picked up each one, examined it, looked for marks, looked for color, etc. I must have put down 4 or 5 apples before I found one that looked perfect for me. There was nothing wrong with the others, they just didn't look as delicious to me. Now if those 4-5 apples I put down had feelings, and if they were overly sensitive to rejection, they might have thought that I rejected them. But I wasn't passing judgment on them, I just wanted to find the one that was right for me!

    Rejection is in the eye of the beholder. Our real problem is that we make it into more than it really is. Two people playing the dating game are really assessing their compatibilities with each other. If they have a healthy attitude towards rejection, they will look at the other person objectively and make a determination. If this person is right, great - they continue down the relationship path. If not, then they thank them for a good evening and then move on to try the next one. It's actually quite logical when you separate yourself from it and look at the process from a distance. How else are you going to know whether this person is the right one if you don't pick them up and squeeze them first? :lol:

    Here's a tip I picked up from the world of business. Let me tell you something, if you're afraid of rejection, then you either want to stay the heck away from a sales job, or you really want to get a sales job, because it's going to teach you how to deal with rejection very, very quickly.

    I read this tip in an excellent sales book and it made a world of difference to me, and I think it's equally as applicable to managing rejection in relationships. It said that if you can step back from your emotions for just a moment and look at the sales process objectively, you'll see that it's strictly a game of numbers. After selling product X for a while, you'll observe that you make "n" number of sales for every 10 pitches you make. It doesn't matter what the actual number is, so let's say 1 for the sake of argument. Then you know, objectively, that to make 1 sale, you have to pitch 10 people, and 9 of them are going to reject you - guaranteed! And every time you get rejected, you are actually one step closer to a sale - just 8 more rejections to go!

    And in sales, you have to learn quickly that they're actually not rejecting you the person, they're making an objective assessment of what you're offering and they're exercising their right to feel that it's not right for them. It's your cue to move on to the next one so that you can finally make that sale. It really is the same with dating and relationships. Every rejection you get is actually moving you one step closer to finding your perfect match. And if they do end the relationship, they are not rejecting you, they're just exercising their right to find the person that's right for them.

    I know it's hard to apply that kind of logic when you look into your dream person's eyes. But it really is true. Of all the quirks and issues in my life, this is one I've pretty much overcome, and seeing it from the sales perspective really helped put it into perspective for me.

    When it comes to being inept at showing affection, this is somewhere I don't think you can really go wrong. All you have to be is yourself. Just make sure you're not locking people out - let down any barriers you might be putting up and just enjoy all the experiences that come with dating without worrying about being bad at it. If you're consistently honest and true with your date, you'll never ever come across as affectionless!

    And finally you are perfectly normal. I have to say that, because if you're not normal then that means that I'm not normal - and I know I am normal! :thumbsup:
     
  3. RaeofLite

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    Way to tackle the issue James. :thumbsup:

    I read it all because I sometimes face some rejection issues myself. If I could favourite this thread into my personal username space I would. :slight_smile:
     
  4. Jim1454

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    I'm glad you recognize that if you don't get a handle on this, then you WILL find yourself alone. People don't want to date someone who is forever asking them again and again if they are planning on leaving them. That becomes anoying and a little unsettling.

    Conversely, people DO want to spend time with or be in a relationship with someone who is confident and self assured.

    Rather than being in this constant state of uncertainty, perhaps you need to communicate more openly and honestly. You need to do that. You need to tell her how you feel about her and how happy you are with her. You need to tell her that for some reason, you're not comfortable initiating physical contact. Ask her if she is comfortable with you holding her hand in public and such. And then follow through and do it. Don't make it a bigger deal than it is.