So here's the deal. The relationship I'm currently in has lasted for quite some time. We have had several issues, but in the two years we've been together, we've seemed to work most of them out. The fact of the matter is, I truly love him. I have never felt this way about anyone in my entire life. I feel complete with him. The thought of being without him kind of worries me. However, he has cheated on me twice(one a kiss and other a bj). We also broke up for a 3 month period, in which he found another guy and had sex with. Now I know its a little ridiculous for me to ask him to never have sex with another person, but it hurt because we lost our virginity to each other and he had sex with this guy after going out for less then a month. The reason we broke up for that 3 month period was because I moved. We both knew that it would only be for a little while and I would move back. I made sure to ask him if he wanted to stay in the relationship before I moved, because I know the long distance thing is hard to maintain. After a month, he broke up with me and went out with that other guy. Anyway, that guy ended up breaking up with him and when I moved back he was excited to get back together. He said that he learned that no one will ever treat him as well as I did and that he missed me. I was happy to have him back. So everything was fine, till 3 months later he cheated on me(bj). I was devastated. I was in so much pain that I didn't know what to do. I ended up staying with him, but warned him that if he screwed up one more time, that I will cut him out of my life completely. He agreed and was sorry for what he had done. After that set back, our relationship still managed to function, but I had trust issues with him. He didn't seem to understand. He thought I would trust him again in like a month, but how could I. Especially when he would constantly lie to me about things he was doing. Anyways, after about another 3 months shit starting going down where he lived. He was living with a parent and didn't think he should live with her anymore. So we talked it over and he was going to go live with his dad a semester. We thought it was best for the time being and by the time he came back he could just come live with me(which we've had to live together before). So after a couple months of talking about it, it happened. Again I made sure to ask him if he wanted to stay together while he was gone. He said yes. He said that he knows for a fact that his feelings won't wavier or change while he moved. I said ok and when he did move, we both felt great pain in the separation. After less then two weeks he said he was starting to feel unsure about us. He was thinking that it had to with the fact that he didn't get any socialization because he moved in the middle of the school year, so he didn't have any friends yet. Once school started back up, everything seemed fine. After about a week after that happened I visited him and everything seemed fine between us. We seemed so happy together. I went back home and we continued to seem great. Then out of no where, he seemed to have lost his interest. I talked to him about it and he said that he wasn't sure about us again. Is this just another "mood swing"? or will this always seem to happen? I try to talk to him about it, to see if there are issues we need to work out, but he doesn't want to talk. I'm afraid of losing him this time. I told him that if we end it now, we end it for good. I don't want to be some guy that he can just always run back to. To be honest, I am an amazing boyfriend to him. I give everything I have for him. I think I deserve better. I just would rather have us work out. Like I said, I've never felt this way about anyone before. All this going back and forth is having an emotional and physical toll on me. I don't think I can handle all this changing. Should I be the one to call it off? He's visiting in a month. Should I wait till then for us to be able to talk? Will us seeing each other help this loss in interest? I am so confused on what I should do. I just don't want to waste time on something that will end up hurting me... or isn't that the gay life style?
To me it sounds like he treats you like a safezone. Every time he is hurt by someone else he runs back to you. It doesn't seem fair to you to have your emotions jerked around like they are by him. I would lose him, but I'm not you so I can't decide for you. (*hug*)
Thanks for the input. In some ways I could see how much better off I would be without him. I wish I wasn't as attached to him as I am. I really love him. I just don't know if it's worth it anymore at this point. Should we not try talking about it more before I make a decision?
I would say talk to him, but try not getting caught up if he calls you "baby" or says how much he misses you.
Honestly, I don't think it is going to work in the long term. You may be able to prolong the agony, but in the end, I think you'll end up even more hurt. He's had multiple opportunties to show you he's serious and he has not done so. You've said that he is repeatedly dishonest to you about what he's doing and where he's going. Even if he is not cheating per se, if you don't have complete honesty in a relationship, you really don't have anything at all that's worth having. While it's likely that he genuinely cares about you, he is either afraid (unconsciously) to commit to being serious and monogamous or else, as sexualteen said, he's using you as a "safe zone." Most people believe that their first meaningful relationship is "the one" and that this person is the one you'll spend the rest of your life with; the reality is, this is rarely true. He needs to do a lot of work on himself in order to be able to sustain a healthy relationship with you, and generally it is a really crappy idea to get into, or to maintain, a relationship with the expectation that the other person will change. And I suspect that he is not ready, nor is he likely to be willing (even if he gives lip service otherwise) to commit to doing the work he would need to do to make the relationship work over the long term. I would also suspect that you probably need to do some work on yourself; he's shit on you several times, and is regularly dishonest with you. If you had confidence in yourself, you wouldn't tolerate that. But I suspect there's a part of you that's afraid to give him up, and if so, that's a deep seated fear that maybe you don't deserve any better. But you do. You deserve someone who is completely honest with you, and willing to commit to -- and follow through with -- being monogamous and faithful if that's what you both agree on. I would suggest ending the relationship. If you absolutely insist on trying to make it work, then I would think about what issues are important to you, ask him to do the same, and sit down and discuss them and try to come to common ground. But your requirements for him would almost have to include his agreement to get counseling or therapy (now, not in x months) to deal with his dishonesty and lack of faithfulness; his claim that "he won't do it again" have already proven false, and honestly, even if he genuinely and honestly says he will, he will not be able to without some help to explore why he continues to behave this way. I hope that helps.
Well, this is one case where it's harder to give advice given that your boyfriend is also a member of EC and has posted numerous times on his life--his relationship with you, his mom, moving, etc. I'm sure you've seen them. I would say don't make any decisions until he comes and visits you. If he is relying on living with you when he returns and that is not going to happen, well that's a big deal and something that needs to be discussed in person. I think your relationship will always be strained given your age difference, at least until he matures more and can get himself into a more stable existence. Good luck!
