Help! What to say....

Hmm that is a tough one it is hard to give advice for something like that because you never know if you are saying the right thing or if your advice is going to make it worse, I had to deal with a couple of people who tried to kill themselves they were not gay or anything but i think the best thing you can tell him is that he is not alone and that there is a lot of help and support out there you can also always offer your support to let him know that is he ever needs to talk about it that you are there, maybe letting him know that you know what he is going through is no piece of cake because you are going through pretty much the same thing, but although it might not seem like it now it does eventually get better but it is always going to have it's ups and downs. That is pretty much all the advice i have to offer and hoped this helped

Best of luck to you and him(*hug*)

 

First off, he needs to see a counselor, and his family needs to make sure it happens whether they believe he needs it or not (although it should be painfully obvious now).

When you do go visit him, my advice is to not give him advice, or a pep talk, or any of that bs. Trust me when I say having people tell you about how it's possible to be happy, being depressed isn't normal, look at all the happy people around you, etc. doesn't help at all. It makes it worse. He'll feel alienated and like there is something wrong with him, not better. Certainly don't tell him to just "try to be happy". Depression doesn't work that way, and I'm assuming that depression is an issue even if it hasn't been visible yet.

What you should do is something that most people probably don't for him, and that is listen. Ask him to tell you what's up. Let him talk and get all of his feelings out in the air, without worrying about what other people think he should do. Ask questions, and respond with more questions. Help him figure out his thoughts, and just be there for him. And always remind him that you love him, and don't want him gone. Let him know that there are people who do care, and it will help immensely.

Don't push too hard when you talk to him though. You can still have normal conversation. It's good to have normal conversations even. If you can find out what he talks about when he doesn't want to talk about something, that's even better. If you know his safe topics, you can move away from them and find out what he's really thinking. Sometimes it is nice just to have a normal conversation though, especially when everyone around him is worrying and uber-serious.

Remember too though, that you are not (I'm assuming) someone who is trained to deal with this. Perhaps even ask the doctor he is seeing if it's ok to talk to him about it if he is on suicide watch, as they may say no. And most of all remember that if things don't go as expected, it isn't your fault. You can't stop him from doing anything if he really wants to, and it will destroy you if you think that.

Your friend probably needs someone to talk to as well, so don't forget about him either. It's going to be a really hard time on him and his family, so best of luck to you all

(&&&)(&&&)(&&&)

 

First and foremost, be attentive. Listen to what he has to say, even if you have to do some reading between the lines. Feel free to ask for a bit of clarification if you're not sure.

Second, open the lines of communication. Tell him you're always available to talk if he feels he needs somebody to talk to. If you find a good opening, you might mention this website in a simple friendly sort of way. "I'm on a website geared towards gay and questioning teens, and it's nice to see the support and help they can get there." Don't push it - just lay it out there in case he might be interested.

Thirdly, as said above, just chat with him. It might be difficult to lay the burden of the conversation on him. (Don't ask him "What's new?") So you might end up doing the heavy lifting. You might talk about what's up with YOU, or generic topics like TV or the weather. But do work on steering things towards casual normalcy.

Lex

 

I understand that, but what I said still stands I think. You're stepping into a rather delicate situation, and can't avoid the other issues. Out of curiosity, how does your friend's family react to gays? Are they pretty homophobic?

 

First, I'd suggest you validate his feelings. How you get into that conversation can be tricky - you don't want to be trite ("How are you feeling?"). I've had pretty good luck with "What's going on with you?" In your listening, which should be highly focused, reflect back to him what you thing you hear him saying so that he can validate what you are hearing.

What is most important and most useful is who you are as a person and your presence to your friend's brother. Let go of the anxiety about saying the right thing or worrying how to fix the problem. Just walk with him as you are able through this process.

 

To add to Padre's post:
If the friends brother doesn't know you're gay, I'd work that into the conversation. So if the brother asks something like: "Oh nothing much."
I'd say: "Well I hear you're going through a rough time huh? Did you want to talk about it?"
Let him speak.
If he doesn't speak, let him know, "You know, I've been through a tough time myself. I mean, coming out isn't easy and I've had a few tough times too but the happiness of knowing I have so much to live for outweighs the bad."
Maybe through some smiles or gentle humour in there?
Let him know you're there to support him, and that there are gay organizations, PFLAG groups (if his sexuality is the issue) or if it's a problem at school, maybe let your friend know so the school can be contacted and bullying or whatever else can stop.

I wish you well.

 

If he does not want to talk that is OK too.

Hospitals are boring and lonely. Just having someone who visits and sits with you (with or without conversation) is important.

The fact that you are there is important. If you can talk about things so much the better.

Prester

 

First a couple of assumptions;

1 - By the sounds of it he knows you're gay.
2 - The doctors are clearly aware of what he attempted and you're confident that he is going to receive suicide counseling during and after his stay in hospital.

If either of these are incorrect, then they need to be fully addressed first.

My strongest piece of advice is to not get into the issue of suicide with him. That is dangerous territory that's better handled by professionals, especially at this early stage. I wouldn't want the burden of that placed on me unless I had the proper training. Prester is right, you can best help just by being there and by listening to whatever he wants to say, even if the conversation is not related to the matter at hand. Let him direct the conversation; don't try to pressure him into talking about anything he's not ready to talk about.

If and when he's ready to talk about what's going wrong in his life, I think Lisa has a very good suggestion about how to move the topic to his sexuality. Use your own coming out experience as a lead-in to try and get him to open up about what exactly is bothering him.

Given his age he's quite likely in the process of discovering that he's different from the other boys, and that can be incredibly frightening and confusing. See if you can get to the heart of it by asking gentle questions. Where is he in his self-discovery of his sexuality? If he's just coming to terms with it himself, is he finding the feelings confusing? Is he afraid of confirming that he's gay? Is he afraid to be gay? Does he know what homosexuality is and isn't? Or if he's already acknowledged it to himself to some degree, is he maybe afraid of others finding out? Is he afraid of the coming out process? Are there specific concerns with his parents, or with bullies at school? Is he afraid of phisical repercussions?

By the way, I've discovered that PFLAG has some phenomenal resources for people who are just discovering that they are gay or who have recently come to terms with their sexual orientation (I used to think they were just for parents of LGBT folk). At the right point bring this to his attention.

He needs to know that he can (and definitely should) talk about his sexuality issues with the professionals who will be talking to him in the next few days about what happened and why it happened. You should also take care to ensure that his professional support network (but NOT his parents) knows that his sexuality is a possible factor, and that they need to be sensitive to this and to respect his privacy in that regard (they'll probably know this, but it should be stated nonetheless). How they handle this can make a big difference to the outcome for him.

And the last thing, once you've gained his confidence and he's opened up to you, you can't let go. Unless he clearly indicates otherwise, he will probably adopt you as his role model or his confidant, and you need to be able to oblige him. Whatever you do stick with him and see him through this. You'll probably end up developing a special bond with him which hopefully carries him through his tough times and out the other end to a long and happy life. This can be a very meaningful experience for you as well.

You are a good man for taking on this task, and I don't doubt that you're up to it. Best of luck to you! (*hug*)

 

I really admire you for what you did for this kid. Your actions may make a lifetime of difference to him. If I had you as a "big brother" when I was going through difficulties at that age I might have avoided a whole lot of anguish later in life. Kudos!