Last words of advice

Hey James,

It sounds like you're in much of the same boat that I was in a year and a half ago. I am 25 years old, and came out to my mother a few months before my 24th birthday. My dad seems to be much like yours - bullyish. Not in a macho, masculine way, but in a way that makes him seem like he is so much better than me. So many things I've done are a disappointment to him. I played sports but was never good. I never had a girlfriend and in college I didn't have any sex. The only accomplishments I have are academic in nature, and he's said a few times that he's proud of those, but then everything else just yields disappointment. For this reason, I came out to my mother, but not to my father. To make matters worse, my mother thinks that it was a phase, and is looking forward to me finding a girl to have children with. I am an only child, and grandchildren are the only thing that my mother wants from me.

Any way, back to your request for advice. I believe that being direct and to the point is important. I think that you should write a detailed letter that is to the point (don't beat around the bush like I tend to do). Tell them everything that is on your mind:

- your sexuality
- how you feel
- what your concerns are
- that you are reconstructing yourself
- that you want to build a stronger relationship with them

As far as timing goes, you may want to let a little time lapse after they read it - to let the air clear. Maybe you could go to the movies with a friend while they read the letter? Just make sure that you cover everything. Do it once and get it over with. Coming out to my mother was one night from hell, and then everything seemed to get better the next day. I felt liberated. I was comfortable with myself.

If you want to discuss it further, feel free to send me a message. Best of luck. My thoughts will be with you. Please, if you wouldn't mind, share how everything goes.

--Matt

 

Hi James,

and first things many (*hug*) (*hug*), I am sure coming out to your parents is a very difficult decision to make.

I have never been in the situation you're in, so remember that what I am going to say is in no way based on a personal experience, just on what I think after reading your post. I am sure that others with experiences similar to yours are going ti give you far better advice.

It seems that you have been keeping a lot of things to yourself because your relationship with your parents is not very easy (this is something that I can relate to).
And it seems that some of the things that you stongly disagree with your parents are directly linked to your sexuality.
I tend to think that telling them all these things you kept for yourself during all these years would be cathartic. Yes they might not react very well at first, but maybe putting everything together will also help them to understand you.
I think you can add at the beggining of your letter that you respect them and don't want them to take this as an attack but as an attempt for you to explain them things about you that you need them to know.

I wish you good luck and a lot of courage. I hope you will find support around you.
Let us know how things went.
Take care, (*hug*) Cécile

 

You're welcome. Having your own place does make the process much easier, though I wouldn't say by any stretch of the imagination that it is an easy process. It is one of the most difficult things you will do in life. Ask yourself... am I really okay if they do decide, after all is said and done, that there is to be no relationship? I think what you have to ask yourself is 'which is more important - my coming to terms with myself and living my life on my own terms, or continuing to appease my parents?' I think that your parents are loving something that is a lie right now. I have a suspicion that things will be tense and awkward for a short period of time, but that everything will heal over time. Just consider the possibility that they won't heal over time. If your parents are really that stuck on their son not being gay, then maybe you have to move on. Not easy, but if it goes unsaid, then it is something that will hang onto you like a giant albatross forever.

Its something that I am struggling with. 25 years old and I am still at home. I can't truly be myself at home, but I fear the loneliness of moving out.

Again, best wishes. Let me know how it goes, or if you want more advice. Sounds like we have a lot in common. Feel free to message me if you want. I will be thinking of you!

 

Coming out to parents is pretty hard. I think the only thing that is harder is coming out to spouses or children, for those who ended up marrying someone of the opposite sex.
At least for me, coming out to my mom was the one coming-out I kept trying to back out of even while I was telling her. If it wasn't for this place, I think I would never have managed to do it...

My advice would be to focus on telling them that you're gay. Drawing all of the other issues into there could pose several problems:

First of all, it will be quite long. Drawing in all issues will probably make it a mammoth letter, which is hard to keep focused. Reading the message will be emotional for them, and having all issues enumerated might be beyond their capacity to cope with all at once.

You say that if you don't draw in the other issues, they might misunderstand your reasons. I'm inclined to think it's the other way around. If you're drawing in other disagreements, they might think telling you're gay is just a way to get back at them for the other issues hanging between you. Some parents just have a way of making it about themselves when given the opportunity.

This letter will serve to open the restructuring process. It isn't a closing statement, and a process is not something you can do in a single step.
Hopefully it will serve as the proverbial stone in the pond to dislodge the arguments that got stuck. But I still think it's best to then have the arguments face-to-face. Because they will come up regardless of what you write in the letter. So it would seem best to make it a clear message of openness, rather than a one-sided enumeration of everything that bothers you.

Then again, that's just my two cents. I have some issues with my family (don't we all? ), but I feel that keeping my coming out as something I did purely for myself was the right decision to make. All families are different, though, so maybe having everything in one big letter can be worthwile as well!

In any case, you've come a long way already, and I know you can do this! (*hug*)

 

I think as the others. Keep your message focused and on point, and don't give them any openings. (For instance, don't say "I think I'm gay" because that implies you're not sure.) Be factual, confident, friendly, and open. And yes - you can be all four.

* You love them.
* You're working on becoming a better person.
* Part of that involves being honest about who and what you are.
* You're gay.
* You hope to strengthen your relationship with them.

You may need to write and rewrite, edit and re-edit your letter. Any place it doesn't sound factual, confident, friendly and open, do some editing so it does.

Lex

 

Believe it or not, I think that most of us do.

I agree with all that has been said so far - a letter is a good choice as it will let you say your piece carefully and without interruption, and Lexington's advice is spot-on as well.

I wish you best!

 

I can understand your fear of rejection by your parents. I am totally independent, live halfway across the world, and see my folks maybe twice a year (and rarely talk on the phone) but I know I could not stand if I were to be rejected by my parents. Friends can be made and lost, but family is forever. It's your link to your childhood, your growing up, basically you.

As for how much/little to put in your letter; maybe for now, just start writing. Write everything that you want to say. Later on, you can edit and re-edit, likely trimming down and getting the focus on your coming out and maybe the 5 points that Lex wrote about earlier. And of course if you shared your letter writing process with EC, you know you'll get a lot of input back

I wish the best for you James (*hug*)

 

James -

You are in my prayers as you take this step.

My only advice on the letter is that if you are exhaustive about all of the issues at once, it will come across like a canon blast. It may then be seen as emotional ranting and dismissed.

It's funny how parental approval remains so important in our lives. It is a ways off but I'm already thinking about what I'll say to my dad. He's in Saudi Arabia and the only way I have of contacting him is email. There is no doubt in my mind about how he'll take the news. It won't be good.

My father left the country 4 days before my wedding in 1994. I've only seen him a handful of times since. He is 72, married to an 40-year-old Ethiopian Islamic woman and has two children, 7 and 9. He turned his back on us years ago and yet I am still fearful of his rejection, even if it is an email.

My own solution to this is to seek out mentors, father figures who can both affirm and help lead me through the process. I guess I'm talking about a surrogate in this case. It will certainly be better than nothing and likely to be much better than what I've had.

Peace

 

GO ON JAMES WERE ALL BEHIND YOU!!!, you are brave, no matter how many times you say you're not, I'm no good with helping people write letters but I'm telling you now you are doing the right thing GOOD LUCK(&&&)

 

I didnt read everyone's responses so this may have been said. But I dont think you should include other problems you're having with your parents. Try to put it in the most positive light possible. If you include other things that you know might make them upset or think in a negative way, then they'll start associating your sexuality with negativity. Good luck! It's really hard to do, I'v tried a number of times and keep chickening out! No matter what, they'll most likely love you, it might just take some getting used to.

 

Hey there James,

(*hug*) You totally got this.

I feel that a lot of the above posters are right on their stance to give your parents a coming out letter that only contains your coming out. Adding to the content issues that you've had with them before will make it increasingly more difficult to keep the letter positive.

However, I would say still go ahead and write a letter that details all your other issues with them. You don't have to give them this one, but it can be a great chance for you to outline your stance on the subject and reaffirm how you feel. Also, with your fear that your parents will think that your coming out is just another outlet of these other issues - being prepared for an extended discussion afterwords would be a good thing.

In writing the letter though, here are my tips (which may or may not have already been stated...):
1) Keep it positive. Any hints at negativity gives them the opportunity to think on that side of the spectrum.
2) Keep it matter of fact. Don't let them have any question about your sexuality. Let them know it's something you are, not something you chose out of some rambunctious scheme to make life worse for them.
3) Keep it to the point. In writing these letters, it's very easy to get off topic and go on tangents. Those tangents take up time, and can usually be saved for discussion after the reading of the letter.

Once again, you got this James :icon_wink

 

I only halfway agree with keeping the letter to one issue. I guess it depends on how many issues you have though, and how pressing they are.

When I wrote my letter to my parents, I had to re-write it 3 or 4 times after seeking editing approval from some others. I had to tell my parents both about my sexuality and my depression though, as they were unaware that I had been dealing with either. I had made the decision to not keep secrets from them anymore, since I hate lying, and I just brought it all out at once. Part of the reason for writing the letter was because I knew we wouldn't be able to get through everything I needed to say if I could see my mother crying.

I did end up cutting parts though. I didn't tell them that I am no longer christian, even though I find it important, and I didn't tell them I had no plan on having children, which is important to them. When it came down to it, they were unimportant compared to the two larger issues at hand, and would only have given them more things to think and worry about. I think that is a good way to determine what you put in the letter. Does one issue make another seem trivial? If so, don't bother with the trivial issue.

Good Luck

-Matt

 

some advice I'd give on your Mom trying to make this about rebelion against her beliefs. Tell her this isn't about her, it is about you and your beliefs.

 

My gut feeling is that if you throw everything at her at once, the message will be lost. Your homosexuality won't be seen as a fact that you wish to bring to light, but as an addition "dig" to cause your parents more pain. I'd try to keep the waters as un-muddied as possible, and not try to rectify all your issues with your parents in one go.

Lex

 

Hi James
Maybe if you kept the letter mainy to sexuality,your last paragraph could include somethihing about now they know this about you,it would be nice to get a little closer and be able to sit and have a conversation to answer any questions and clear the air on any other issues that need sorting.
best of look anyway.