Every now and then I get a brilliant idea. Usually an abstract way of explaining things that can help a lot of people deal with difficult things. This is one of those ideas. A lot of people don't understand that some people have to realize they are gay. It is true that for some people this is easy to do but not for all. Why would some people need to realize such a fundamental thing? I remember watching a film called Donnie Brasco. In this film that was based on a true story Johnny Depp plays an undercover FBI agent that is tasked to infiltrate the mob. He gets in good with one member of the mob who is well connected. He starts to identify with the mob life even though his real life is falling apart. He then stops reporting to the FBI because he thinks he is living his real life. Then the FBI ends the operation and his world is turned upside down. If someone is gay they enter this life gay but this world is primarily a straight world so usually we start to think of ourselves as straight people. For some this thought is relatively brief and quickly grow out of it but that is not always the case. We have entered a "straight mob" and many of us start identifying ourselves as straight because we think that is the way it is. Most of us are surrounded by only straight people and our only knowledge of anything else is very fictionalized gay people that do not resemble anything that is realistic. So some of us start living the straight life. We get married and maybe have some kids. Then these thoughts start showing up. We will call these thoughts the FBI. We can be laying in bed trying to fall asleep then the FBI shows up and asks us "What? You think we aren't here?" but you push them aside because they aren't real. How could they be real you have a wife and kid. Being with your wife might not be awesome but you do love her. Then the FBI starts showing up at all sorts of random times but that's not the scary thing. You are realizing you really like what they have to say. Now the FBI is there and you know you can't be undercover any longer. That is very scary. Some of us will do anything to stay undercover but we know how empty that feels. This is going to be difficult but only briefly. You need to realize being gay only means you like the same sex. Everything else that you enjoy is still with you and always will be with you. Your future is very bright. Being gay places you in a minority so don't concern yourself with the silly notion of a normal life. There is only life and life is good.
Hmm sounds like my life, except the voices happened in my 16th year instead of having gotten married and shit lol. Note: When I say married and shit, I don't mean kids and marriage are bad lol, I just mean none of that happened before I realized who I was.
Your analogy makes a lot of sense to me. It literally took me a long, long time to realize that I even might be gay - even though I was completely aware I was different since I was a little kid. Then it took me a long time to admit that I was gay precisely because of what you describe as the "fictionalized gay people". I was nothing like them, so how could I be gay? At the least it was a convenient way to dismiss any thoughts of being gay. But the voices grew louder and I had to start listening to them because they were making more and more convincing arguments. That's about when I started my coming out process.
I'm one who kept the FBI at bay for a long, long time. Getting out of the mob is complicated (wife, kid, Episcopal priest) but the process has started.
This is a pretty good analogy. I didn't fully acknowledge that I wasn't straight until I was 30! And I thought I was the kind of person who knew myself really well and couldn't lie to myself about anything. I think it's because I was already painfully shy and somewhat of an outcast, so I couldn't have handled being even more different from my peers.
I'm with you about the age. I finally put two and two together at 30 also. There are so many things about me that make me different and being gay just magnified these differences. Different can be a subversive word though so I prefer unique. We are like huge blue diamonds. Very rare but our rarity makes us extremely valuable. Some people might think "Blue? I want a clear diamond." But anyone that knows anything about diamonds know the blue ones are the ones to be cherished.
Interesting analogy. I think I might use it to explain to someone what it's like being gay next time I'm asked.
