i need advice

Welcome Oisin - another UK member!

How close is the close friend, and do you feel you could trust him? As you say, if he asked such a direct question then he may well have is suspicions? How do you think he'd take it?

If you think it would be OK, I reckon you should try to arrange to see him somewhen soon, somewhere where you can talk in private, and tell him. Because he has asked you have an opeining already... "You remember what you asked me the other day at my parents..... Well I didn't answer that completely honestly because my family were there......".

You mention other friends, family etc. Don't think of them all as a group of people that you need to come out to. Take it one step at a time. One person at a time.

The close friend who asked you may well a good person to tell first. It gets easier the more people you tell, because you gain confidence from those that have gone well and you get support from friends. Leave the problem people (like your brother) until later, and also try to avoid the gossips that may tell people before you are ready for them to know.

Some friends and family members may well already have their suspicions. You're 25 and if you haven't had any serious girlfriends yet, that alone is a reason for them to wonder why. Not everyone will suspect anything though, and sometimes the people you think must have worked it out for themselves turn out to be the ones who never suspected anything.

Please let us know what you decide and how it goes.

 

If a close friend gets to the point where they ask you that, you should come clean with them. It's actually quite unusual, at least in my experience, for friends to actually ask, unless they're particularly forward friends. So if it's actually happened, and they're a close friend, just tell them what you've told us. If you're freaked out, having allies will be a good thing.

 

oisin,

I agree with Paul -- taking things one at a time is a very good thing. Coming out is not all black and white. You can come out to some people and not to others. Of course, it's always good to be prepared in case people you didn't tell find out somehow, but you don't have to feel obligated after having come out to your one friend to then come out to your entire family, everyone at school, and your neighbors. And that's because the people you'd tell first would probably be the people you felt closest to, and they would probably understand that this is a private, sensitive issue.

My suggestion is to seriously consider coming out to your friend. I know this is not a hard and fast rule, but in my experiences, the people who are willing to ask their friend, "Are you gay?" are the ones who are okay with homosexuality. They just want to know. People who have a problem with homosexuality often try to avoid the subject like the plague.

 

Nothing to add.

Just - good advice at ^, ^^, and ^^^ above

 

A lot of people say you shouldn't come out around a holiday, because it can turn a happy time into a stressful one for the other person (and maybe you too). However, I think this is a much bigger problem when you're planning to come out to family members or other people who may have a more severe negative reaction. This friend of yours seems pretty open to the idea that you're gay, so it probably wouldn't be a big deal. Still, I wouldn't tell him on Christmas Day, but before or after should be fine.

The most important thing is that you come out--timing in the end won't probably be a big deal. Often times, you'll find there's never a perfect moment to come out to somebody. It's best to just bite the bullet and tell people, but take care to avoid truly horrible times such as the recent death of a family member, loss of job, etc.

Before I came out, I did have a good lesbian friend. However, we drifted apart and I hadn't seen or heard from her in the 4 years before I came out. Also, I had also met a few gay men and lesbians over the years, but they were always distant friends of friends or acquaintances--certainly nobody I would even consider to be a friend. Bear in mind too that at the time I was living in San Francisco Bay Area in California, which has a huge openly gay population. Even in such a location, I just didn't happen to have much interaction with other gay people, so don't feel bad about your own situation.

When I moved away to graduate school, I ended up with two new flatmates, one of which is gay. I think it was helpful in my own coming out, because of the daily exposure to somebody who is out and living his life. When you start meeting other gay people, it will almost certainly help you feel less alone and more comfortable with your sexuality. But just because you don't know anybody right now is nothing to fret about.

You say that you're in medical school. There are probably some sort of student groups for GLBT students (maybe even med students) you can get involved in. If running off to the nearest gay club or bar alone doesn't appeal to you, don't feel like you have to do that. On one hand, you'll see and hopefully even talk to a bunch of gay men and that may make you more comfortable with your own coming out. On the other hand, it may be a bit overwhelming and unfulfilling to be around a lot of people who are mainly interested in dancing, drinking and finding short-term sex partners while you are still finding your bearings. Sure, not everybody in a gay bar fits the stereotype, but it may not be exactly what you're looking for at this point and could be disappointing.

Personally, I think it's better to try and make some gay friends through a student or community organization first and see where that takes you. Bars are just not usually setup so well for getting to know somebody through conversation. You'll probably have a better time and feel more comfortable visiting a gay club with one or more other gay friends (even if they are as inexperienced with other gay people and bars as you).

 

Well... everyone has been in that boat at some time or another unless they happened to grow up with gay people in their lives, which is somewhat unusual (though hopefully less and less so).

I went and found myself a group at the university I was at and then a local youth group. At 25, a youth group is probably not going to be the right place for you but a lot if (most, even?) universities have GLBTQ groups (gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, queer... and there are actually more letters if you're being completely inclusive).

Going to a gay club right off the bat is certainly a possibility but I wouldn't recommend that for anyone who is struggling with their sexuality and has yet to meet/talk to actual real live gay people. A lot of people tend to see just the negative stereotypes in the club scene because hey, they're pretty visible in that particular venue. Bars and clubs can be fun but I wouldn't advise going until you're more comfortable with yourself and maybe have someone to go with.

Hmmn... I guess I shoudl read other people's responses first... but then how would I pretend I'm an expert? *grin*

 

Your latest post just goes to show how important support is for people coming out of the closet. Finding that support in the real world can be difficult if you're not already out, leading to a catch-22 situation. Thankfully, there are sites like this one to help out.

As for you telling your friends, I just want to say good job! You should be proud of yourself for making this tough step.

It sounds like they've reacted pretty well. I imagine the second guy just needs some time to process it. You might want to stress to him how you're still the same person and how you're not interested in him sexually because you know he's straight and respect that.

Although I suspect things will be ok in the end, if for some reason they don't pan out, you need to understand that people who won't accept you aren't worth your friendship. If he has a problem with your sexuality, it's really his problem not yours. As a good friend, hopefully you can help him resolve that problem in his own way in his own time.

As for your brother, that sounds like a more sticky situation. Reading his response made me cringe because it seemed so homophobic. Obviously, his response reveals his own preconceptions of what all gay people are like. Perhaps when you come out to him (which may be soon or in the very distant future), it will actually dispell some of his own prejudices.

Still, there's no reason for you to get ahead of yourself here... Take things as they come. You'll typically know when the time is right to tell each of your friends, family and acquaintances.