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I'm so stuffed up atm.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Doreibo, Feb 17, 2010.

  1. Doreibo

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    OK! Hey every one!

    I want to start this all off on a good note by saying that I am, on a general note, pretty happy. Now to the stuff that makes me cringe to type, and you to read. I have been feeling recently as if my depression is getting on top of me a bit. I'm doing less work recently because of it, but more because I'm getting distracted due to depression, not because of depression directly. If that makes sense. Just to let every one know a little about myself, I am a stranger person. By all standards I know and in my own self evaluation I come off as a weird guy. I'm gay, yes that's normal-ish, I'm quirky, a cute attribute in some ways. But I have a mind that works in a very, very unusual manner. If an idea is remotely linked to another I will probably take a sudden dive in direction of the conversation to this, I always think of the other before the normal primary, and often I will know the effect, or reason, but not why. Not the thing in between. It's very much a logic jump that makes sense to me, but leaves every one mystified, and sometimes confuses even myself. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    A key part to this is the constant reminder of, well, everything dark and Gothic from reading Frankenstein (The original). It is my English text so I have to study it, but it gets a little painful sometimes, and not because of the writing style. (I read Dracula before and the style is similar. Rather, it is more about the content.) However, I have been picking myself up every now and then by reading some feel good stories, interesting scientific stuff, comedic material, the usual teenage time wasters really. But every time I get back to Frankenstein it makes me cringe once more.

    Now to my next issue. Yes, that's right, there is more than one. One of my friends, who also suffers from depression, returned to school at the beginning of this year after an extended break. This break was due to his depression and upon returning I saw the red marks on his arms. It killed me to see them, and what's worse is his really big change in character. He seems alot more introverted than before, and it scares me to think about it really. This also leads into a previous incident. I met another girl who also had these red marks on her arms. I was too naive to know what they were at the time, but upon asking her I remembered her saying her cat did it. When my sister, who was there, brought it up a couple of months afterwards she said that when I asked she replied "Oh. . .I did it to myself". When she told me this I remembered what actually happened, and I also recognised my previous false memory as having been unclear and abrupt to end. I wonder if I really am capable of self deception to such a degree, and if so, why? I'm more than a little scared of this daunting question.
     
  2. Sylver

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    Well, the best news is that you're happy right now! :slight_smile: That's a good place to start.

    The whole "Frankenstein effect" is interesting. It's not all that unusual to get emotionally involved in books or stories, especially if they happen to strike a chord or find a resonance with something in your life. Be objective about it and try and see where those resonances are and what they might be telling you about your current situation. There's probably something to be learned about yourself in this.

    As for your friend, do you know if he's getting help? I want to propose an interesting theory for your consideration. You seem like a very emapthetic person - you relate very closely with stories that parallel yours, and you feel others' pain when you see the connection with your own circumstances. I've discovered that I'm like this too.

    My theory is that by helping these others through their personal challenges, you will also find resolution to your own parallel challenges. I'm speculating that if you can (in part) see your friend through his depression and help him over his cutting, then you'll also be indirectly helping yourself through your own issues. I believe this works because you intuitively know that if they can recover and get to a better place, then there's hope that you can too. I actually think you're harboring a gift, the ability to be empathetic towards others - maybe you can explore this and see if it's true?

    I don't think you're guilty of self-deception. The term you've chosen suggests that you might tend to be hard on yourself - others would have just said that it didn't click then, but it makes sense now - they wouldn't interject any blame for themselves. You can't expect to be an expert on everything and to catch on to everything immediately. Various people come to realizations differently, and to each their own; there's no point being judgmental about it.

    Some good advice - just be yourself and don't worry about your quirks! They're part of what makes you who you are. To me you sound like a very interesting person! :thumbsup:
     
  3. x2x2x2x2y2

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    I think JamesENL gave good advice and I cant find anything to add on.

    Good luck!!