Let me give you some background info. I’ve been attracted to guys since middle school. The idea that I might be gay didn’t cross my mind until about my junior year in high school. Before that I told myself that I was just “curious” or “experimenting”. I played with the fact that I might be bi, after all I was still attracted to women. As if that wasn’t enough I’ve struggled with stuttering my entire life, because of that I struggle in social situations. I only had a few friends in middle school and high school and I tended to keep to myself. I’ve been told by everyone (i.e. my parents, therapist, etc..)that I judge myself too much, I tend to hold a negative opinion about myself whether it be my looks, or my personality. In my junior year I began feeling more and more depressed about my life, I became even more antisocial and had thoughts of suicide. (I never actually considered killing myself but the thought of it often crossed my mind.) My parents intervened and got me help via a therapist. This helped me greatly, just spewing out my thoughts and emotions helped immensely. I got on some antidepressants and within just a few weeks I began to feel loads better. (although for some reason I tried not to let people see it.) I saw my therapist regularly and gradually started feeling more optimistic about my life. I came to the conclusion that college would be where I could be myself, and basically start a new life. Beginning to come out of the closet. I’ve never been intimate or even kissed another guy or girl. I feel now that I am more strongly attracted to men than women. But in my mind without proof (ie actually being in a relationship, or being intimate with someone.) I can never be sure. Here’s my dilemma: I want to meet other guys but how can I do this without coming out? And I don’t want to come out until I’m completely sure I’m gay/bi. So what do I do? I made the first step in my coming out, I went to the bookstore and purchased several books on being gay/coming out. I then told my first person, a friend and coworker who I new would be accepting of me, and she was. I couldn't believe all the weight that was lifted of my shoulders by just telling one person. Some time later my mom discovered one of my books on coming out. I new they would be accepting of me, but I was still hesitant to tell them, my dad’s best man at their wedding was gay and they have always been supportive of me in everything I do. They approached me and were totally cool about it, although the subject is still somewhat taboo. Fast forward to now. I moved into college three days ago, extremely nervous but also somewhat optimistic. I met this guy across the hall who I thought might be gay ( I don’t know how much of that is just wishful thinking though). We’ve hung out a little bit, but now I think he’s straight, he has pointed out a few cute girls (I think almost every freshman guy has sex/relationships on his mind), and I looked at his facebook and found that he very well might be straight. I’m really not sure what to do from here, I haven’t seen as much support for the GLBT community here as I had hoped. The past couple days have been an emotional rollercoaster. When I’m hanging out with my roommate or one of the people in my hall, I feel good, like I’m finally finding my niche. Until I find myself alone, or seeing other guys hooking up with girls, then I fall right back into my old depressed state, feeling hopeless, no good, or unwanted. Back to the guy across the hall, I could see us being good friends even if he is straight, it seems like we have a lot in common. A few times it feels as though he is testing me to see if I’m gay, kinda pointing out hot girls and judging my response, But again I don’t know if this is just wishful thinking. Right now I’m at a loss of what to do, I want to meet other guys but I have no idea how. I feel as though I’m wandering around in the dark, not knowing where in the hell I’m going, all the while scared of reverting back to that person I was back in high school. All I want is to have someone to care for,someone who I can talk to, and someone who I can experience college life with. I hope to start a wonderful new life, but I’m afraid I really don’t know how.
Just speaking as someone who is addicted to Facebook, you cannot tell nessisarily is someone is gay/straight on it unless they so........Im not out on Facebook so if you see my profile, it looks straight. I'm not ready to come out there due to the fact I have family there and would prefer to speak to them personally before advertising on Facebook. Ans speaking as someone who isn't quite out yet, I think you're doing pretty dam good considering your age, college can be a way cool experience as long as you don't try to rush it. Take your time and hang in there, you can always come here to vent and get support Good Luck
Interesting story. Why do you still say "... I don’t want to come out until I’m completely sure I’m gay/bi"? Sexuality need not be reinforced necessarily by social interaction. If you're finding yourself attracted to someone, yet haven't experienced your first same-sex kiss (or even opposite-sex kiss), you still cannot deny that your body is giving you urges to interact with that person (either in a romantic, sexual, flirtatious, etc. kind of way), whatever their gender. Anyway, my advice is to try to make the most of your college experience. Even just having moved onto the campus is going be good for you in the long run; I think you'll find it a liberating process. Now that you're in a fresh, new environment and you don't have to worry about the dead weight of high school social status haunting you, you should try to be who you are -- no hiding things without good reason to do so. I'm not saying you need to flaunt your sexuality shamelessly or even at all, but what I mean is that you should use the short time you have in college to truly find yourself and stop being so concerned with the status quo ante. Good luck, pal! Hope your college years are starting off fine.
I would totally tell the guy across the hall you're attracted to guys. Not that you might be into him (can't quite tell if you are or not) but just that it's something you've known for a while and you're trying to sort everything out. As for everything else... I think you just have to go for it. Like almost quasi-psychotically just reinvent yourself. I mean... you're at college and no one knows you. This is the big chance, right? Just... try being someone different. Not someone totally different but trying being the person you would like to be and just... I dunno... pretend it's all a game. Because in a way, life is, at least in college. *grin* You're at exactly the age when everyone is trying to figure out who they are and most people do it by trying on a whole lot of personas and figuring out which one "fits" best, so why not you? If you can't do it now, then when? It's the perfect time... just... let go of who you've been and become who you are? I guess that sounds a little hippie but hopefully it makes sense. If you want to meet other guys, you've gotta put yourself out there, at least somewhat. Just... well, what I've always noticed is when I'm feeling best about myself, that's when I tend to attract other people. So focus on your good qualities, notice when you feel best about life and yourself, and try to stay in that "zone" as much as possible. Focus on having a good time rather than meeting someone special and you will most likely attract cool and special someones. If you feel insecure, just remember that 99.9% of everyone else will be too, even if they seem 100% confident. Very, very few people are anywhere near as confident as they seem. And I stand as living proof that someone's college experience can be MILES better than their high school one. The thing that worked best for me was just... letting go, really. Doing stuff that "I" wouldn't normally do. Because we tend to end up with an image in our heads of who we are that is based on how we feel other people see us... and if you think about it, our IMAGE of how OTHER PEOPLE see us is at least 2 degrees removed from reality. Because it's our interpretation of how we THINK other people are seeing us... and it's inaccurate just for being a composite, and then inaccurate for being based on what we believe we think other people are seeing (we can never really know) and then it's inaccurate because it's filtered through all our own insecurities about ourselves. So basically no one knows fuck all about who other people perceive them to be, especially people who have only just met us. For instance, soon after I came out, I ended up doing stuff that NEVER in a million years would I have thought I would have been doing when I was 18 and finishing high school. (I came out at 20.) In fact, I maintain to this day that my 18yo self would totally think my post-coming out self was a party-hearty whore... and my 18yo self would NEVER admit it but he would have been stone-cold jealous, because I spent ALL of high school hating the popular people while secretly just wanting to be one. And what college and coming out taught me is that "popularity" and being a guy who "knows how to have a good time" are just images that people construct and project onto people. People see other people having a good time and they are just naturally drawn to them and build them into these ideals that usually have little to do with how the people they're seeing really are. So like 2 or 3 years after coming out I realise that, at least to some people, I was a "popular person" and trust me, I pretty much fell over from the shock. Because I wasn't trying to be a popular person... I was just trying to have a good time. And I went through a bit of a crisis because I felt a bit like I was defrauding people, that if they knew anything about me they'd know I was faking it... but I wasn't. It wasn't like I was going around saying "worship my fabulous self!" It was just something that happened. And if it can happen to me, oh boy can it happen to anyone. And seriously? All that stuff that would have been mind-blowing to my 18yo high school self? Probably to some people it would seem completely tame. But you see, it wasn't to me, and that was all that mattered. I just decided, some how, some way, to be myself. And to have fun. And to... honour who I was, I guess. And yeah, you can do that. Of course you can. You've just gotta let yourself. I mean from the sound of it you've already come super far. College is the pool--jump into the deep end. You'll probably be pretty amazed by how well you can swim!
Once again, I get to follow after a joeyconnick post... *in sarcastic voice* Thanks, joey! The beautiful thing about college is that it's a chance to completely start anew. You have none of the nasty social baggage from high school, and no one knows who you are. The person they will get to know, and accept or not accept, is the person that you present to them. If you present a gay/bi/curious/not straight/not certain person to them, that's what they will see, and there will be no back story that you have to make efforts to correct. Remember that the only person you can control is yourself. Personally, I say you should take advantage of one of the best situations you can ever be in and run with it!
No worries... I just always laugh when people think what they've written is "too long." I prefer the long posts... they're always more interesting!
Oh xequar, you know I just type like mad to make sure my reply gets posted before yours! Gotta keep you on your toes!
He could always be bisexual, or perhaps bi-curious. Just see how it goes as friends for now, and if he does seem like he's being a little friendlier than average, have a shot if you feel up to it...
