Coming out to wife...

I have no experience with this, but I just wanted to encourage you to be honest and be yourself. I don't know how this will work out for you, but there is a book by Mel White called "Stranger at the Gate". Just to warn you, he is a Christian (just in case that may offend you), but the book is all about how he met his wife, struggled with being gay, came out, came out to his wife, married a man, and faced all of the persecution the church has to offer. It is a really encouraging book - even for a gay, single woman.

And -(*hug*) (*hug*) (*hug*)

 

haha i agree with wtinal. just try to be yourself, even if it is hard to do sometimes. even if you've finally accepted yourself, it isnt necessarily true that you should come out to everyone right away. just wait till you feel comfortable with yourself and then make the choices. go with the flow for now and enjoy your accomplishments. everything will always work out for the best. =)

 

I know exactly what you are going through. I'm 37 years old and married with 2 small children. I came out to my wife a year and a half ago. It took me about 3 years of obsessing about it before I finally got the nerve to tell her.

I too had gotten to a point where everyone had noticed my behavior was different. For me, I was so unfulfilled, lonely, and sad. Even though by most people's standards I had a great life: big home in the burbs, two new cars in the garage, great job with excellent pay, traveling for both business and personal all the time, etc.

Instead of addressing the 'real' issue head on (my homosexuality) I blamed my unhappiness on other things in my life, mainly my career where I kept changing jobs about every 2 to 3 years. I would move my family from state to state or one part of the country to another to accept a new job like it was nothing. We've moved so many times over the past 10 years that I've lost track of it. My wife ultimately left her career because we moved so often. Just when we'd start getting settled I'd get the itch to move again.

But, my epiphany came when my wife's mom passed away very unexpectedly in 2005. She was 70, I was 35. Without thinking one night, I made a comment to my wife that if I lived to be as old as her mom half of my life was already over with. After those words left my body it was like a bolt of lighting struck me. I realized at that moment that I had just spent my entire life living by someone else's measures of success and happiness. I vowed to myself then and there that I would not waste the rest of my life being someone that I was not. I started seeing a therapist and 8 months later (a few days shy of my 36th birthday -- I vowed I would not let 35 get away without doing it) I came out to my wife.

I has been very rocky since then. I've had ups and downs like you would not believe. Days of smiles, days of tears, many nights of arguing with my wife, and many nights just holding each other and talking about the many memories. We have recently separated and will eventually divorce.

I have tons of guilt and regrets. I regret the pain that I have caused for my wife and kids. I also feel guilty about how something so personal to me has had, and will continue to have, such a profound affect on so many other's lives (and not in a good way). But one thing is for certain: I am now at peace with myself. And that inner peace is allowing me to be more for my former wife (now my best friend) and my kids than I could ever have been before. I am now a better person for them, for my extended family, for my friends, for my work colleagues. I'm now able to contribute to the world as my full self.

The truth shall set you free. I wish you all the best.

 

Hi Starbucks1! Welcome to EC. I've gone through a similar situation at almost the exact same time in my life, and with very much the same outcome. My wife and I are closer than we've ever been, despite being separated. I'm much more at peace with myself. It's been just about a year since my disclosure to my wife, and we're doing much better than we would have been had we stayed together.

I wish you all the best! Again - welcome to EC! This is a great place to get even more comfortable with who you are. And the wisdom that we've gained through the years is often worth sharing here as well.

 

Just make sure u tell her that u never meant to hurt her, I know ppl who hav come out 2 their wives and they have been hated for it. I would just try to avoid this as much as possible by trying to find away to take responsibility but still explaining that u were confused and u didn't know what 2 do for a long time.

 

Sorry, can't help you much here. But I will happily send you loads of (*hug*) (*hug*) and a few just to keep you going.

Good luck. I think you are right to tell you wife. It is the only way that you will be able to become yourself.