Why?

Hey and welcome to the forums,

Everyone acts differently when they discover about a close one's sexuality, for some it's simply acceptance, for others it takes a while longer.

While your mother hasnt reacted ideally, she hasnt reacted in an extremely negative way either. By accepting that you're curious, it shows that she can atleast accept that you have feelings for the same sex, and are possibly bisexual.

Perhaps give her time to get used to the idea. Showing that you have feelings for this girl will help her to understand it isnt simply curiosity.

While you might be wondering 'what if she still doesnt accept me after seeing that my feelings are genuine', I believe it's best to deal with that if the situation arises.

I hope everything works out for the best.

Dave

EDIT: Sorry I was tired, didn't see that you're mother has known for 4 years. Everyone else has some really good advice though!

 

Welcome!

Take a look at this page http://www.gmhp.demon.co.uk/coming-out/comeout.html (which is part of one of the sites in our resources list) in the "Consequences and Reactions" bit. It doesn't really answer anything, but it does show that denial is not an uncommon reaction.

She may be mourning the lack of grandchildren, or worried about how she would be seen having a gay daughter. Parents can be very self-centred at times like this!

Normally things move on though, but she seems stuck in the denial state - for four years! Can you get other people in the family to discuss it with her? If she realises that most of the family accept you for what you are, maybe she will begin to realise that her position is wrong?

Does she keep on about this whenever she sees you? If so then maybe you need to tell her somehow that no matter how many times she raises the subject it won't change anything. The same message probably goes to you too - if you haven't changed her mind in 4 years I doubt you ever will! Can you continue without discussing the issue? It's obviously far from ideal, but I don't think there is any progress to be made, and you really don't need the stress.

Sorry I can't be more help.

 

Well, just because she claims she's not homophobic doesn't mean she isn't. She is obviously homophobic, just not as severly as a lot of other parents. There's probably nothing special you can do to get her to change her mind. Just go on living your life with your partner and hopefully eventually it will dawn on her that you really aren't straight.

 

I think a lot of parents hold the belief that being gay is ok as long as it's not their kids. I suspect this tends to stem from the guilty belief that something the parent did when raising their child made him or her gay. Hence, your mom can go out shopping with gay men and not have a problem with it, because in her view they are somebody else's mistake while you are hers.

The idea of your parents making you gay probably sounds ridiculous to most people on this forum, but I'm pretty sure my mother has the same issues for the same reasons. She always seemed very tolerant and even somewhat accepting of gay people on TV or in the news or generally in theory, but when I came out to her she had (and still has) a real problem with it. An "out of sight, out of mind" attitude probably contributes as well because she didn't have to face her own thoughts about gay people until it hit so close to home with me.

 

I think a lot of parents blame themselves for "making us gay" during their coming-to-terms process. The fact that homosexuality is, most likely, caused by genetic (like being left handed) does tend to focus the "blame" back at those responsible for our genetics. Not that there is anything they could have done about it, but it can explain why parents blame themselves.

Even if we believe it's due to upbringing, that still focuses the "blame" on our parents - only more so. So either way they may well blame themselves.

What we need to do is get them to realise that it isn't a problem. We are happy and live full lives as we are, so parents blaming themselves for something they had no control over (and was in the past so couldn't be changed anyway) doesn't help anyone.

HerBabyGirl - it seems that your mum is stuck in this rut though. Ultimately she is going to end up alienating you as you will end up visiting and phoning her a lot less often because you don't need the grief. The people that would suffer are you and also other family members that you end up having less contact with as a result.

What would happen if you took a hard and determined approach? When she raises the subject just tell her firmly that you have discussed this before and are not prepared to discuss it again. Then simply ignore anything and everything she says on the subject until she gives up. It may mean you having to get up and leave the house sometimes if she won't let up. If you did this, hopefully whe will eventually realise that discussion is pointless - hopefully without there being a permanent tension in the air. It won't solve her issues though, but it might give you a bit of peace.

 

Just for clarity for everyone else, this was my "if all else fails" suggestion, but clearly in this case all else has failed. I don't recommend it as a general solution to parent problems. Constructive communication is always preferable while there is a possibility that it will get you somewhere.

 

I'm so sorry to hear that, but somehow I think you'll be better off without the constant "discussions" about this.

I hope one day she comes to accept it aand realises that she is worse off by disowning you, however she does sound very stubbon on this point so I don't think that will happen soon. :icon_cry:

(*hug*)

 

Maybe she is saying she has disowned you to make you feel guilty? She is clearly confused and has conflicting emotions - her love for you as a daughter against her hate of your sexuality.

 

You mentioned earlier that you had been out to your family for "a good four years". After that period of time it shouldn't really still be new to her and she should be moving on with this. It does seem that she has got stuck somewhere around the denial and/or anger stages and for some reason cannot move on towards gradually accepting the situation.

Has there been any improvement over the four years, however minor, to make you think she is very slowly moving forward?