Well, prepare for a vent, I really need one, but I got 1 question. What should I do? Thinking about the kid I really want to befriend (I think its sort of a crush to) and trying to get to know him and just seeing him is like :***:, and depresses me a lot. If I just totally ignore thinking about him, I don't feel so sad. Which one would you suggest? I keep wanting the first one cause I want to know him soo badly, but its depressing me soo much... A song perfectly says how I feel... sort of (forbidden love- Madonna; I don't care who writes it if I like the song... btw) "Just one look from your eyes is like a certain kind of torture" I've had thoughts about... suicide, but I know I probably wouldn't act on them. Hes what I live for, sort of. Just the chance to get to know him is enough for me, but since its not working I get depressed, badly. Even though it doesn't seem like a big thing, it is for me. But I feel as today, it was torture to see him. I saw him getting out of his car. Its like the world times it perfectly for me to walk by the window. two days in a row. (yesterday I didn't see him though) but, he looked so cute, he was dressed up... I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT THEY DO ALL DAY! It seems they have been gone for a couple of days from like 12:30-6:00; I just don't see what they do. Then, it seems the dad has like a luggage bag yesterday and today. WTF? I just want to know what they do that is stopping me from inviting him over ever time I get enough courage. I've about to give up. I'm starting to loose hope and everyday I go through torture cause I get myself all mentally prepared only to be crushed by the fact that he isn't home. And my mom left a message and he hasn't come over. he got home at about 6 probably, its still light. I don't think he wants to come over obviously, unless he either can't or didn't get the message. So I mine as well give up... or thats what I feel. I don't want to get depressed again like I was a few weeks ago. I mean, I feel like my life is on autopilot and I just go through the day-- get nothing done, nothing acomplished, just hopes for things that will never be. making small attempts to. doing nothing all day. Being alone all day. I don't have ANYONE I trust and can talk to and tell all my secrets to, or be myself around. Which I really need. I was on an airplane a few days ago, which I was scared I was gonna die... dunno why I was so scared... Oh well, I might finish later, I don't feel like finishing now. Sorry, I just need a vent...
