confusion

Hi there and welcome to EC
First thing congratulations on coming out to yourself about the fact you like guys. I'm sure it had been a difficult journey, and I'm glad that you feel more comfortable in your own skin now that you have figured you're attracted to guys and this is not going to change.

Now, you're not obliged at all to pick up a label for your sexuality, but I doubt anyone here is going to tell you that you can choose to be straight. You certainly can marry and have children, but that won't change your attraction toward men. I'm sure some of our members who have been married and have children will tell you that it didn't change the fact they have been attracted to men all along, and miserable in the mean time.
I can understand why you want a wife and kids, but do you sincerely think that marrying a woman when you're not attracted to women will be a fulfulling experience ?
Now I also think you have some misconcesptions about what it means to be gay.
Being gay doesn't mean you couldn't have a faithful, long term, fulfilling relationship. It doesn't mean you can't build a family and leave a "normal" life. It would only mean that your lover will be a man instead of a woman.

I imagine how scary it must be to think about living an openly gay life while you're starting to come to terms with your attraction for men, but this is not something that you have to do over a night. Take time to think about it, to discuss with people, to feel more comfortable with your sexuality, and do what you feel comfortable and happy with.

I hope Ec is going to help you asking some of your questions. Make yourself at home.
Take care.

 

Eleanor Rigby said everything I was going to say, and she got her point across way better than I could have. :lol: Great post.

 

You can certainly marry a woman but will that make you happy? Doing that has the potential of not only making you miserable but also the person that you marry and any children you might have. So please think twice about this.

I would hope that you would find a male partner whom you love to spend your life with. It's very possible that you can also marry that person depending on where you life AND have children. I have a friend in New Jersey who has been with his partner almost 20 years and have adopted five beautiful children together. Love makes a family and you can have this!

 

I think you've just written the book of my life - up to just recently... :icon_bigg So you are not alone by a long shot!

It may not be broadcast too loudly, but EC has some very helpful resources on this site. There's one I think you might find quite helpful;

Resources --> Coming Out --> Stages Of Coming Out

You're still at the early stages of self-discovery, the part where you come out to yourself and accept that you're gay. I believe everyone has to get to this point before they can move forward to a point of happiness with being gay.

I'm tempted to tell you that you aren't under any obligation to sexually label yourself (and I know where that comes from), but I've also personally suffered the consequences of indefinite waffling - you can talk yourself into circles for years if you don't finally take a deep look inside and see who you really are. At some point, when the evidence is strong enough, you'll have to start thinking that the nagging voices may be right, and that it's time to explore this possibility further. At that point asking a lot of questions and learning from others' experiences will be very helpful to you. Again, I can't "see" the whole of you from a few sentences that you've posted, but the parallels to my own experience are strong and I think you're at or near that point where you should begin a process of self-discovery. Look at it this way - if you're truly not gay, this self-exploration will help you confirm this definitively.

I've been through the experience of mourning the loss of who I had grown up expecting to be. I spent a night crying out loud that I didn't want to be gay, over and over again. I didn't do this because I was forcing myself to take this path, I did it because it had just got to a point where I couldn't supress the truth any longer, even from myself. I had to let go of some of the expectations of myself and of others, because I was no longer sure that I would be fulfilling them.

But... and here's the but... after a lot of anguish and torment, much of which I've shared on EC (which has been an enormous help by the way), I am really seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, and I can see what a point of happiness as a gay man can look like. I now have a couple of people who are happy that I've come out to them and who want to help me with the redefinition of this part of my life. I'm gaining confidence, and I've got quite bold at saying "I'm gay" to myself and even to some others, and it no longer hurts or feels wrong. In fact it's starting to feel good! I'm not sure I can say I "want" to be gay yet (or if that ever happens), but at least I'm no longer dreading being gay - it's a new experience ahead that I'm kind of looking forward to!

Look for that threshold as these questions swirl around your head, because it will come. Look for the point where not only do the voices and hints not go away, but each day you realize a little more that you really do know who you are, and you're getting worse and worse at repressing that. Once you get to that point, approach it with an open mind - allow yourself to at least go deeper into what it might mean if you in fact are gay... Then start reading about it, and start talking about it with us here at EC, and start questioning everything you've come to believe about yourself to this point. It will be natural to be a little afraid, but I was terrified when I was at the point that you are now - and look where I've come!

Good luck with your self-exploration, and let me promise you that I'll lend you an ear and a hand whenever you need! And for starters here's a hug - just for knowing what you're going through! (*hug*)

 

Well megamomey i think alot of us on this site know what you are going through right now,but you have come further than you think by admiting to yourself that you are posibly gay and coming here to a(very good)predominately gay website.James excelent reply has nearly everything covered you are likely to encounter as time goes on.
I came out late(41)so i for 1 can tell you that you cant hide it forever, so its not a good idea to suppres the feelings as they dont go away.
Your in the early stages but this site helped me and many others through the painfull process and gave us alot of confidence,so why not hang around a bit and read some of the older threads as well as posting any new ones.Good look.

 

I think most every gay person you talk to will tell you that sexual orientation is not a choice. It is difficult to come to terms with the fact that you aren't completely straight, but we're working on changing that. We're trying to get the right to marry, and have kids, and live normal lives, but it takes some time. You're throwing yourself into the political spectrum, and we would all encourage you to do so. I'm sure that if you knew more gay people, you wouldn't feel so confused about it. The more out people there are, the easier it is for the closeted people to come to terms with it.

So, no, we generally don't believe orientation is a choice. Given the choice though, I think most of us would stay not straight. We're proud of who we are, and know that you can't "cure" homosexuality. There is nothing wrong with it to cure.

Take your time and discover for yourself who you are. As i'm sure csm123, Padre 411, and many of our other older members will tell you, your feelings won't change over time. It is completely possible to love a woman dearly, and not be sexually attracted to her as well, so you have to figure out where you are at. It's your life, so forget about what other people think about it, and find out what you really think will make you happy.

 

I think as James pointed out that many go through what you're going through. I was a lot like you as well - self denial especially. I've found that it helped most when I was finally able to give up the notion that I was straight. This first step then allowed me to ask myself what I was, and it took a bit before I was able to ask myself if I were Bi, then finding myself unable to say no. The only thing you shouldn't do is rush it - it'll come to you eventually. For now, just bask in the freedom that you're finally able to give up that uncomfortable label of "straight" and finally be able to stop hating yourself.

 

First of all: hello, and welcome to EC! I hope that by hanging around here you'll learn a lot about yourself, make some friends, and have fun along the way!

And secondly: congratulations on coming out to yourself. It's a rather big step to tell yourself that you're gay (or at least non-straight). I remember when I first told myself: "Let's face it, you're not going to wake up suddenly straight one day. You're gay!". It was a pretty overwhelming experience. It felt as if everything finally made sense.

However, what I found is that, even once you finally decide to start accepting it, there still is some way to go before really getting there. In a way, while I thought I accepted it, I think I was more resigned to it. It seemed just like something that could be better, but I couldn't change anyway.

It was only after coming out to other people, and spending more time associating with other people who went through the same thing, that I realised that there were still many more ways of being more OK with it. In fact, every time I thought I had reached true acceptance, I found out that with a bit more experience, I could even become more OK with it.

Do I still want to be straight? I'm not going to lie: on occasion, I still think about how much easier it would have been. When I feel bad, I sometimes do wish that this whole "being gay" happened to someone else. It's just easier to do what the rest is doing, instead of being the odd one out in most groups.

However, episodes like that are happening with decreasing frequency. I've come to know that a lot of what other people expected for me was just based on them wanting to see me happy. And while I bought into it, all they wanted was to see me happy. And most of them would be just as happy to see me with a boyfriend.
And frankly, the thought that another guy might like me makes me happy in ways that the idea of a wife and kids never made me.
In the end, I discovered that I don't really want to change anymore.

As I said, it does take some time to get there, though. So, hang around, ask questions, read threads and post on people's walls and I can promise you you'll find out more about what you feel. Also, it never hurts to see if there are GLBT organisations nearby that you could check out. There's bound to be people with similar experiences there that you can talk to!

 

I was in the same situation... But there needs to be a sexual attraction for a relationship to work with both parties, so I could never be with a woman because I wouldnt want to be physically intimate with her. I can deffinately connect with women on an emotional level and I do find some girls cute or attractive, but That's it, there's no sexual feeling behind it. Guys on the other hand are another story... I see hot guys EVERYWHERE. And that's not gonna change, so i'm gay. =D

 

I fought being gay for 36 years. I did everything I could to be "normal." I became an Episcopal priest. I married the girl of my dreams. I had a daughter. After being married 12 years, I finally ran out of the energy it was taking to suppress this part of who I am. I spiraled deeper and deeper into depression. I finally hit a brick wall. I was on 4 antidepressants and still not doing great. I finally admitted to myself that I was gay and that I wasn't going to medicate my way out of it. At the same time, it seemed like dying would be easier than coming out.

Fortunately, there were people in my life at this point to whom it was safe to come out. I came out to my friend Rick on January 26. I came out to my wife on February 2nd. It is the hardest thing I've ever done but I feel better than I've felt in a long time.

Yes, I love my daughter. No I wouldn't give her up to change the course of my life. But surely the path of denial and repression is not worth the cost. If there had been safe people for me to talk to in jr high or high school, I would have enjoyed a lot more happiness in my life.

God bless you in your searching

Peace,

 

Glad to hear you're already gaining help from the stories so far!

Don't get too intimidated by the journey yet to take! The hardest part (getting past your own mental blocks) is already over. There might be some tough moments ahead, but at least you're in the driver's seat now.

Don't worry about telling anyone just yet. You'll know when the time has come to do that!

 

And that's what we're here for! Talk to us while you get comfortable with telling others. It makes a world of difference!

 

I'm glad that you find EC useful already. Stay around and the more you'll be comfortable in your own skin, the less frightened you'll be with this journey.
Don't worry about coming out to your parents and friends now. Get comfortable with yourself first, and when the time will come, you'll know.
Take care and see you around (*hug*)