Just over a month ago I returned to my hometown after having been away (except for a few weeks here and there) for a solid year. Honestly, since coming back, I've often questioned my decision to return to cold and conservative Illinois when I was having such a blast living in the Hawaiian islands with friends. I missed my family a lot, true, but almost as soon as I returned I longed to leave. Last night I realized that maybe I came back to come out so that I could move on. I'm scared. This story is in-progress and out of control. I like adventures but not ones like this. My family is extremely conservative, I have no idea what their reaction will be. The one and only friend I have left in the area lives an hour away and is also fairly conservative. I am alone. I just found an apartment and moved in. My lease runs out in July. Six months should be ample time to pay off $700 of debt and raise some money for a road trip to find work somewhere where it's a bit easier to be gay. I can also use the time to get in some quality hours with my family before leaving for what may be a very long time, depending on their reaction when I do the deed and speak the truth about who I am. I could use some advice. I know it's cowardly but I am thinking of coming out by giving/sending/leaving letters for my family and friend. The reason I'm not so hot about a face-to-face? Honestly I don't know what my hyper-conservative, super-homophobic parents are going to do with the news that their son is gay. If I didn't love them I wouldn't care about their reaction but that's not how things are. This is going to hurt everyone involved, regardless of the fact that it's a necessary action. My idea is to leave letters for my parents, each of my siblings and my close friend. I will include an email address or mailing address or voicemail number or something in the letter so that if they want to let me know they accept me for who I am they have that option and then maybe we can keep in contact and work towards reconciliation. I need advice because I don't know if it's foolish to think leaving a letter is the answer, and because advice makes me feel supported. And I could really use some support right now. Thanks. nathan
You never know, they might surprise you and be completely supportive. Don't assume they'll want to distance themselves from you immediately by doing so yourself. And telling them by letter is not being cowardly--not telling them at all would be cowardly.
Hi and welcome to Empty Closets! First off coming out by letter is not cowardly at all. Any coming out method with which you feel comfortable is fine. Never worry about the way you come out. A letter will allow you to tell your parents what you need to tell them and it will also give them the chance to think about it before responding. If you want, take a look at the Resource section. There are a few example Coming Out letters. Even though you don't know how your parents will react you can tailor your letter to the fact that they are conservative and also highlight the positive aspects of coming out and you being you. Often times, parents can be quite surprising. That said you want to make sure that your letter touches on several things, including: why you are coming out, your journey thus far, and the importance of being able to be yourself around your parents. If you would recast the sentence, in a positive light you already have part of your opening couple of sentences. Given what you have mentioned, I would suggest that you include with your letter some PFLAG material for them as well as perhaps a book. Now that you know is a really good book for parents. Also include a local PFLAG number for your parents to contact. What you could also do, call your local PFLAG chapter and try to talk to someone (either in person or over the phone) and ask them if they could provide with some support in case you need it after coming out to your parents. At the same time you could ask them if they would be willing to talk to your parents, should your parents have a difficult time dealing with and coming around to it. Although it sounds like that you have made up your mind, give it some more thought, and try to prepare yourself for your coming out as best as you can. You are never alone though. EC is a great support forum and will always be here for you if you need support. If you want and would like to have some feedback on your letter feel free to post a draft of it. I hope this helps a bit. (*hug*)
Gaetan, your signature is sweet, dude. And I know that I'm leaving - as will they, well beforehand - so I'm hoping they won't feel too distanced from me unless they want to be. But I do want the option of cutting off communication for awhile available to them and to me, just in case. Honestly, I would rather deal with it all and get it over with but I feel like the only way I can make myself do this is if all I have to do is leave a letter behind and then run away for awhile. Does that make sense? Am I ready to do this if I am just going to run away for awhile afterwards? Should I wait until I am ready to face up to the results of my coming out? Feel free to speak your minds. And thanks. EDIT: Mikro, thanks! That information is actually really helpful. I'll read up on all that. Feeling informed is important to me, in this instance.
addendum: My parents were pretty progressive in their day and they wouldn't be conservative if it wasn't for their finding religion. So their problem isn't going to so much be that I'm different it's going to be that they think my being gay means I'm going to go to hell. Hence, they are sad for me and worried for me and disappointed that I lost sight of god. Are there any resources that deal with this side of things that anyone knows of? Also, are there any songs anybody knows about coming out?
Glad it helps a bit! Just a couple of thoughts (and of course feel free to ignore them) I wouldn't necessarily cut off communication with them. Even if your parents have a hard time dealing with it, it is important that you are always there for them and let them know that you want them to understand you and that you are available to talk with them about it. Keep the communication lines open because if you keep talking with them, you also give them the feeling that you haven't changed at all, which is important. Sometimes, parents, upon learning that their child is gay, feel that their child has changed and is no longer the same, when in fact you haven't really changed. Your sexual identity is only a small part of you and that there are so many other things that define you. By talking with them and continuing to let them know and trying to stay in touch, you give them the message that you haven't changed. As hard as this might be, I think letting them know "you can call me any time, wherever I move or I can come back home to talk about things" is going to be important. The best person to educate them is you. No one else. I think it makes sense. I think everyone deals with their coming out differently and everyone does what they feel comfortable with. That said, after you have given them or left the letter for them, I would suggest that you are around just in case they want to talk in person as well. You could always give them the letter and then tell them you are going to be back in a couple of hours. I do think that it is important that you are available to them so to speak. Before you give or send them the letter, ask yourself "Am I ready for this?" If you feel that your are not ready for it (which is perfectly fine) then wait until you find the right moment or time when you feel you are ready. You have mentioned that you will still be staying in Illinois for the next little while. Are there LGBT support groups such us PFLAG in your area or near where you live? Maybe try finding that out (if you haven't done so yet). Having support and a support network could help you in becoming more comfortable with the idea of coming out to your parents and also get ready for a negative response. If you know that it could turn out not the way you are hoping for, it is important that you built up a solid support network on which you can rely one and draw support from. PFLAG has a number of resources. Beckyg is a PFLAG mum. Feel free to send her a PM. Once you are on her profile just click on the "Contact me" tab and then choose "Send a Private Message to beckyg". I'm sure she can send you some links to PFLAG materials.
