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Being gay at school and among guys?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by f33d, Feb 23, 2010.

  1. f33d

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    Hi,

    I'm curious about how do you manage to be out at school? I'm quite withdrawed from my life and from friends at school, and now, when I think of it, it's because I'm afraid they wouldn't like me anymore if I told them I'm gay (at least it looks like they would).
    In spite of that disguise, I have trouble talking to guys, and also talking to girls as I don't want to be considered as a "girly" guy. IAt my home my father never talks to me (you know, no small talks, no talk at all). I don't like to talk with him at all. On the other hand, my mother is very talkative. I think maybe that's why I fail at talking to guys.

    I'm confused about my sexuality. I don't know what to do. I know I'm not myself... esp. at home, at school and around guys. Do you have something like this? Or is it only me? I have no contact with my father. It really bothers me. As a child I wanted to talk to him, but now I realised it was a meaningless effort. Well.. to much to tell.
    And yes, unfortunately, I'm already going to a psychologist.

    I just want to tell someone about it. I didn't want to create a new thread ;/ Sorry to be "another" sad boy. I don't want to "harm" anyone reading this... I know that it's not easy to listen to the problems of others. And I'm really embarrassed about writing here because of my confusing English.

    You don't have to answer xD And sorry for my broken English. If you would like to, correct me where I made errors :slight_smile:

    Thanks for your patience.
     
  2. Davo

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    Hi.

    Firstly, I'll say your post was written very well, you have better english than many who post on this site.

    I'm not able to give you much advice, as I myself was in your situation when I was at school, so I don't know how to deal with being out at school, hopefully others on this site who have successfully come out at high school could help you there. I became very withdrawn to the point where I would barely communicate with anyone, many of my peers assumed I was mute for the first couple of years of high school (at least).

    But I had to make things change, I found my lack of communication incredibly frustrating; and my desire to overcome this reluctance to talk to people has inevitably led to me becoming a teacher. But it takes a lot of work and effort, I soon realised when I got to 4th year at high school that I did have friends who would stick with me no-matter what, and through time I was able to open up to them (though I wouldn't come out to them until a couple of years after high school).

    Sorry, I'm making this all about me. For you I would try to work on these areas you have identified, its a great move that you're speaking to a psychologist, and also that you've posted here, don't worry about being another person looking for advice and support, this is exactly the reason this thread is here. As for your father, there's probably been such a long time since you've made any sorta chat, its going to take some real effort at first. You just need to start making small talk, if you can. Find something to ask him advice on (I can ask my dad for money advice, or gadgetry stuff if I need to talk to him about something). It takes a lot of small steps, but taking them will start making an impact, only with practice will you be able to talk to guys and girls comfortably. It will take time though. Hope this helps
     
  3. Mirko

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    Hi there! As Davo mentioned, it is great that you are seeing a psychologist. I think that it can only help you in moving forward.

    What you are describing is actually quite normal and a lot of LGBT teens find themselves withdrawing from friends or becoming shy to talk to others because they are afraid that someone that they know could find out about them or that something will slip. Part of it is also what you described: being afraid that your friends will stop liking you. But no worries, you are not alone in this and you certainly don't have to go through it all by yourself.

    You have mentioned that you are questioning your sexuality, maybe start working on that and try to figure out as to what feels right for you and with what you feel comfortable. For now, I would suggest not to try to put a label to your feelings and just see how your feelings develop. Try to take note of all your feelings. Try to observe the various attractions that you have to guys and girls. What kind of an attraction is it? Is it a physical and/or an emotional attraction? Finding answers to these questions will allow you to start figuring your sexual identity out. Talk to your psychologist about it and maybe he or she can also guide you through it all.

    Also, quite a few schools have Gay Straight Alliances (youth support groups for LGBT teens)or LGBT clubs. Maybe try finding out if your school has such a support group. If it has, maybe try joining them for a meeting or get together. Talking to others who have gone through a similar experience could help you in figuring things out. When we hear ourselves talk about our own experience and also listen to others and can help us to make sense of it all better. Alternatively, you could also try finding something in your community for LGBT teens/youth.

    Take your time though. There is no rush. Follow what ever you feel comfortable with.

    When it comes to talking to others, maybe try to think about things a bit differently. As mentioned, sometimes your fears and the fact that your are questioning your sexuality can have an impact on your interaction with others. Maybe try not to worry about what would happen if someone finds out or if you would say something. Maybe just try to enjoy the conversation. Start with a topic which is fairly safe, such as school and hobbies. I think it is good to have a mix of friends. I wouldn't worry about being called 'girly'. It is okay if you have a number of friends who are girls.

    As for the contact with your dad, I'm sorry to hear that you don't have much contact with him. As Davo suggested maybe try having some contact with him. You have a really good reason as to why you want contact with him. Could you talk to your mum about trying to talk to your dad?

    I hope this helps a bit.
     
  4. Taurusguy92

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    Except for the trouble with your Dad, the Psychologist, and the Broken English(which it really wasn't) You are in my almost exact same position, except I go to an all boys school which makes it even worse...
     
  5. f33d

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    Sorry it took me so long to thank you guys :slight_smile: It made me feel better to know that I'm not "the only one" going through this, and... you are really great :icon_bigg

    It's funny, because I thought of being a teacher... somehow it seems to me like I would be "allowed" to say more and be myself more.

    Well, the truth is I am in my last year of high school (sadly, I'm 18 already). To be honest, I have a few friends in my class I talk to but it's mainly because they are a little bit odd also... besides they were the first ones to start a conversation with me. One of them talks to me very often lol (I realised it now). But still, I don't talk in a way I want to, in a way the true me wants to talk (like I have a split personality maybe?)... I just can't laugh around guys. My father's sarcastic sense of humour is very "nasty", so my mum is often offended by his remarks. When I have something funny to say, I end up saying nothing, because I feel like I would offend someone. But I can laugh around some girls. It's quite complicated also... :frowning2:

    My psychologist told about some methods of dealing with stress. The first one consists in controlling your breath, feeling like it comes into your lungs, feeling the energy (...) - this stuff works. The second one is a tongue-method. You "press your tongue flat against the roof of your mouth, covering as much as you can". It really worked for me :slight_smile:

    The problem with my father is that he never admits his mistakes. He has to be right every time, whatever cost. Even if it happens that I cry (circa once a year), he won't do anything about it. He says nothing. So our arguments never "officially" end. When he is mute, I also don't say anything. And the next day, he will say, for example, "I have a problem with my computer..." (which means come here and help me - in my father's language). And for some reasons, I can't say no, I just go and help. And the "bitterness" remains and I think I show it by the way I talk to him. The way I don't want to talk. It's not a "valuable" insight into my home life but whatever... I just wanted to say it.

    I have always looked up to my sister. She managed to rebel against my father and thanks to that she isn't so sensitive to his comments or to him at all. She's funny. Everyone likes her. And she lives a far better life than me.

    I'm going to study in the UK. Maybe my life will change! Got 3 offers from universities till now... unfortunately, I have to pass IELTS exam... so there's a lot of work xD

    I don't think there's something like this in Poland xD But I know some people at my school who are ok with gays/lesbians, because there are individuals who are quite out of the closet. But talking to them out of sudden would make myself more out.

    All boys... so you surely aren't the only one there struggling with this :slight_smile: (How clever xD) How do you hang in there?

    It's all more like my biography lol. I hope you won't get tired after reading it :grin:
     
  6. uptownboy

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    when i was at school, until now.. i am a girly boy and my friends accept me even though almost of my friends are girls...but the boys also act nice to me :slight_smile:
    but i like to go with the girls because...i dont know either..it's just fun to be with them :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
    but really, you should socialize :slight_smile:
    good luck