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Boyfriend issues

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Stuie, Feb 23, 2010.

  1. Stuie

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    Well I've been going out with my boyfriend for almost four months now, but I was away for basically two months of those. This is where I think the problem started. The first month was great together, but those two months of not seeing him and just being ridiculously busy, I think I fell somewhat out of love with him. I really want to love him and I'm pretty sure he loves me. I just feel as though I've lost that spark. :frowning2:

    The communication between us is really good for the most part. However I have a feeling we may have taken it a little too fast, which is more his doing than mine, but I still want to be friends anyway. He's a great guy, but I just don't think I find him as attractive as I did that while ago. He's certainly not the most attractive guy ever, but he does have a wonderful personality. A further minor complication is the fact I'll be seeing him most Saturdays anyway, so a complete communcation breakoff would be pretty much impossible and rather unwanted.

    To be frank, really what I'm asking is "is this something I could work through or just break it off?" I'd rather not break it off but it isn't out of the question. I'd probably end up feeling just as bad if not worse during the breakup. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: Any tips on making it work I'd love. :slight_smile:

    Thanks :slight_smile:
     
    #1 Stuie, Feb 23, 2010
    Last edited: Feb 23, 2010
  2. Mirko

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    Hey Stuart! Getting a different live experience and being away for two months can change your perception of people. It is possible that you have changed and maybe feel that a different person might be better for you. Being away for two months after only having gone out for a month can change relationships. On the other hand, it might also be just a matter of needing to reconnect and perhaps also trying to make him an 'important part' of your life again.

    I think you have a good entry point in trying to see as to whether you still love him, and as to whether that spark that you had originally will come back. As you have mentioned, the communication between the two is great. Use it to your advantage.

    If you feel that you have taken it a bit too fast, maybe talking to him about it, and maybe try to work on that and see what happens. I don't think you have anything to lose by doing that. Rather, I think you could only gain with it, because even if it turns out that it doesn't work out, at least you have given yourselves the chance to get to know each other even better.

    As you try working through it and maybe taking it a bit slower, you will learn as to whether it will or can work out. I'd say give it a chance and see where it leads you. From what you have said, it sounds like that you are willing to do that.
     
  3. Filip

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    This reminds me of something I once read somewhere; "After some time, love is more like a stove than like an all-consuming blaze. At first that's disappointing, but I'd rather have a stove to keep me warm all day than a blaze that threatens to burn down the house."

    I'm pretty convinced that "falling out of love" is a stage that happens in any kind of relationship. Sometimes it signals the end, but in other cases it's just the necessary middle part, after the "foolishly romantic" part but before the "mature relationship" part.

    Basically, if you first fall in love, love hormones take over. They make everything seem great, make your mind smooth over any differences or disagreements, and make you feel like you want to spend every waking moment together. Basically, nature's way of making sure people stay together to know each other better.

    But such a state is not really sustainable, so you get back down to earth a bit. Basically, the hormone trip ends and then you discover you ended up with a real guy who is different from your ideal wish list. And that does feel like you've lost the spark. There might be growing pains. But in the end, it's better to love someone real than the ideal in your head.

    I'd say it is worth to give it a try, and find out whether you can keep loving him despite losing the initial spark. The best way to do that is probably just to try to hang out together and getting a honest discussion going on what's bothering you.
    Maybe you'll discover that he's interesting and lovable in ways you hadn't even discovered before...
     
  4. Eleanor Rigby

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    Dear Stuart,

    Filip covered everything that I would have said, so I am not going to repeat those things. I just wanted to share with you a part of my own experience.
    After I started going out with the man who became my husband later on life, I left France to spend a year studying in the UK. We e-mailed each other every day, we called each other as soon as possible, we send each other cards and little presents, but you know that it's just not the same.
    When I came back home for Christmas, we hadn't seen each other for nearly 4 months.
    And as happy as we were to see each other again, we both had the impression that we were strangers for each other. We even give that feeling a name "the strangification".
    After those 4 months, we were not completly the same persons we were before, and not completly different persons either.
    I think that we did just the right thing : we talked about it. We talked about this feeling that we had to discover each other again. We talked about the fact we didn't felt as confident as we were before, and not as comfortable either. And we both agreed to give it time. And fortunatly we have been able to move from this to an even closer relationship.
    Now it's been more than 9 years that we are together. We had happy times and we had rought times. We had times we felt as we couldn't live a second without the other, and times where we could have sent the other to hell. Fortunatly, there is a middle between those extrems and that's who we are most part of the time, happy to be together, but still conscious that neither of us are perfect.
    I would suggest you to give it a little time, and to talk about your feelings with your boyfriend. Hopefully, you'll realize that the sparkle is not gone, it's just out of sight from time to time. Or maybe you'll realize that your feelings for him have changed in strong friendship feelings, but this is something you only can discover being honest with him.
    I wish you good luck (*hug*) Cécile