Mother is highly disappointed in me

Hi Mindy,

Well, you could tell your mother that this is your American Dream. From what I know, China is not a very accepting place of GLBT folk (although all the Chinese people I have met ARE), so make sure she knows that you're not a lesbian just because you CAN be, but because you WANT to be

It sounds like she thinks that you're ruining everything that she came to America for (big house and security in the suburbs with the white picket fence). But all she needs to do is refresh her view about what makes a person successful and happy. You can be successful and happy with a wife instead of a husband. Just look at Ellen!

Do you watch friends? There is a scene in the pilot episode when Rachel explains to her father why she ran out on Barry, her fiance. She tells him that she doesn't love him and that despite his protests, love matters to her when it comes to marriage. (There is an episode farther along in the series when her mom confesses that "you didn't marry your Barry, dear. But I married mine.") Her life has been like "driving down the highway and getting home...without remembering having actually driven home", or in other words she's been just going through the motions. Those 2 scenarios are something you might be able to mention when you are explaining your feelings to your mother.

I hope that rambling made some sense. If nothing else, just say "ok, mom. When I meet a guy who makes me feel the same way that women do, I'll date him." Needless to say, that day will NEVER come..And as the years go by, she will realize this. A lesbian friend of mine told me her mother thought she was a "LUG" (lesbian until graduation.) She's...25 now? 3 years post college, and yup, still as gay as the day is long.

 

Wow - influx of Coloradans lately at EC. Makes the gargoyle happy.

Not to put to fine a point on things, but as you know, your mom simply ain't gettin' it. You don't "think you're a lesbian" because of poor self-esteem and dislike of girly things. If anything, your have poor self-esteem and dislike girly things because you're a lesbian.

What can you do? Not much at this point. Don't bother bringing you your "lesbian feelings" anymore to her, since you know where that'll head. Focus on your piano, your studies, your tae-kwon-do when it comes to discussing "what's up". And college is just around the corner. At that point, you'll pretty much be on your own to date who you want. (Unless you're going to AFA, but I'm guessing you're not...) If she insists on this "dating 25 guys" thing (why twenty-FIVE? twenty not sufficient?), then assure her you'll give it a try. Go to a football game with a bunch of your male friends, and count them all as one date. "Well, that's seven..."

Lex

 

Just remember how many dreams and expectations parents develop for their children, all of which have to change when they find out their child is gay. It often takes gays and lesbians years to get comfortable with their own sexuality and to redefine themselves and their dreams, so you can image that it will take some time for her to do the same.

It's a positive thing that your mom has supported gay rights in the past. It probably means that she's going through a period of adjustment or even mourning over the loss of the future she envisioned for her daughter, not that she's uncomfortable with homosexuality itself.

Give her ample time and space to get comfortable with your sexuality, and maybe even offer to help her along. If you have an open communication with her (or had one prior to this), tell her about it, how you know, how it feels to you, what it means in your life. Point her to the resources at PFLAG which will help her understand both what she's going through and what you're going through. Whatever you do, be resolute - you're a lesbian and that's not going to change no matter how you or her try to make it otherwise. But use your actions and your persistence to show her this, not just your words. In time she'll realize that this isn't going to change and she'll have no choice but to redefine her dreams of your future.

This is one case where you can't try to please your mother at your own expense. You're a lesbian and there's nothing to be ashamed of. It's your mother that will need to come around. And it sounds like she will, because she had an open mind before you came out to her.

Good luck!

 

No, she knows NOW that you're wrong, but time will prove her wrong.

And don't let family dynamics confuse the issue of your sexuality. She might try to do that, but you and I know that your sexuality has nothing to do with it and you have to remember that. And it's silly and even unfair for her to make this about your dad turning this back on her - they are both grown-ups and she knows better. That's just old-fashioned parental guilt (I've been buried under it many times to know it when i see it) and you need to see it for what it is.

Anyway be persistent. It will pay off in the long run!

 

There's a much better one about fifty miles to the north.

Lex

 

I think deep down she probably knows that you are right and im sure with some time she will come to terms with it, I think often parents bad reactions can be though the shock of finding out, and the adjustments of how they see their offspring in the future, (all parents have dreams of their boys and girls growing up and getting married and having children even if they deny it) and I also think sometimes a major factor of a poor reaction is their fearfulness that their son or daughter will have a hard time or be discriminated against because of their sexuality its just sometimes these fears can come out in the wrong way.
It sounds like to me that your Mum perhaps doesnt have a problem with it but she thinks when she tells your Dad he will disapprove and blame her and perhaps that is what she is trying to avoid even though we all know its not her fault, especially as you said in your first post she agreed with gay rights.

Meanwhile welcome to EC I hope you settle in and find the support you need.

 

Some parents feel bad when their children come out because they wonder what they could have to cause it. The pop psychology interpretation, which goes back to Freud but is considered bunkum now, is that homosexuality is caused by experiences in early childhood, parents not steering them in a particular way, and experiences in early adolescence.

It would be perfectly consistent for someone to believe this and still be a proponent of gay rights, thinking that someone should should not suffer disadvantage after they've had the misfortune to end up like that.

Basically, I think you're going to have to make an effort to get to her read genuine scientific material on the causes of homosexuality, which all suppose with genetic roots or other prenatal causes, like experience within the womb.

The other thing is that parents hear a lot these days about teens questioning the sexuality or going through phases. So I think some think that if their child comes out, that might be just a phase, and they'll be straight again after that. A bit like vegetarianism. But most who question for any serious length of time, and particularly anyone who actually comes out to their parents, can just about be accepted to be gay.

The 25 boy dates seems really strange. Very few mothers would suggest that their daughters go out with and potentially sleep with 25 boys during 3 or 4 years of college. Over any period of time, 25 is a lot. It's almost as if she's setting you the impossible task, just so you agree to that as the terms and conditions of when you can come out and she'll accept it.

 

Ok from the whole "date 25 guys" "keep an open mind" and stress on the being in relationship with men i have a feeling she is on the "what about grandchildren" trip when it comes to worrying. Now you seem like a motivated person and it sounds like you will end up being very successful in whatever you do One thing you should do is arm yourself with facts (i wish i had a penny for every time i have said this to someone xD) so if there is a dispute you have the info to hold your cool and educate her. Now the whole grandchild thing (and the fact that you said she moved from china which i think contributes to her deep sense of wanting a family and probably of more traditional family values and social norms due to the strict social/cultural aspects of China) that being said i think she doesn't realize that with lesbian couples there are plenty of opportunities to have children. There is invetro, they can now take cells from one partner to impregnate the other in women etc.
She is also probably worried you will be discriminated against and worries she did something to cause it. Just point out how ridiculous some of her points are (25 guys for example )

hope i helped

 

i tell my parents to keep their mouths shut. but i dont recommend u do this lol. just tell her in your own way that u do not like whats shes doing and that shes really hurting you.