Hey guys, I came out(to a significant number of people) about a month ago, and I thought things went really well during the whole process, though a couple of my roommates needed a couple of weeks to become comfortable with my sexuality. Anyways, I though that by coming out I would break down a few walls that I had put up and becoming more outgoing, confident, and extroverted, but after reading a few other threads here on EC, I'm beginning to realize that I'm the one who has make the changes I want to see in myself. However, throughout years of being in denial, I've adopted habits that have helped me become the cliche "man's man" and also helped me put up barriers that wouldn't let anyone hurt me or see inside of who I really was. Because of this it has become, and still is, incredibly hard for me to show my emotions, be them emotions of sadness or compassion. For some reason, I feel as though by opening up I am becoming vulnerable, so over years I've developed impenetrable walls that keep potential disaster from occurring. The problem is that I don't really know who I am because of this. I've built up this facade that has become me, and it kills me that it's still active, even after I've come out. I didn't think it would persist, but it has. I feel like in order to be the great and best person I want to be is to start from scratch and develop a new personality, which in reality is impossible and a stupid thing to do, especially when I know that part of me has a good heart. I've made these barriers and walls impenetrable, so that no one would get through. But now I can't even break them down. . .
You don't have to come up with an entirely new personality. You have just been hiding who you are for so long that now that its okay to be yourself, you probably just dont feel 100% comfortable with it yet. Eventually you will seem like yourself, it will just take some time. It is something that you have to do however. Good luck finding yourself!
I can certainly relate to what you're going through. Remember that a month isn't really all that long in the grand scheme of things. So give yourself a break. It sounds like you have the right end state in mind, and you're working on getting there. It's going to take time. Do the things you think you need to do. Talk to your closest friends about this. Tell them that you're trying, and that if they have any suggestions that they should share them with you. Do little things. Like reaching out and touching people - that was huge for me - still is. I'm not a 'huggy' person, but at the same time it feels great to do it. It might actually benefit you to work with a counsellor. Sometimes we need an unbiased third party opinion about what is going on in our lives, and what we should be doing. Those walls were built up strong and over a long time. Don't expect them to come down in a hurry.
Oh boy do I know what you mean! You are basically telling my story of about a month ago. I felt like after all those years of lying I had pretty much convinced myself of it, and so my whole life up to that point was just one big lie. And then when the lie was finally ending, I felt like I had to redefine who I was from the ground up. Oh, and to take our similarities even further, I had also become a very closed person and I had so much trouble opening up to others emotionally. I'm now find this to be changing over time, so let me tell you why I think that is. I think that there is a natural tendency to overreaction in the first period after coming out where you feel like your whole being needs to change. For me it was like needing to throw off the dirty clothes that I had worn for so long, and I wanted to have a clean new wardrobe. But I'm starting to see more clearly now that only a certain part of me has changed - my sexuality. I know I'm gay, I'm pretty comfortable with being gay, and that part of my life is making more sense now. I am now able to see that my sexuality is only one part of me, and as I've sort of stepped back from the whirlwind of coming out, I can see that it's not my whole being that's changed. In fact, probably 90% of me is still the same. I still like doing the same things as hobbies, I prefer the same foods, I drive the same way, I still love the work I do, etc. Yes, some things have had to change a little more - my relationships with other people for one, because they were based on false pretenses. But through coming out I'm making adjustments to my relationships, some for the better and others for the worse, but at least they're honest. And some of the harder ones are yet to come... So in this context, I can now objectively assess the "facade" that I put on for years and years while the real me was in hiding. Now I can see a few habits I had adopted that I want to change, so I'm going about changing them. For example, I realized that I had created some spectacularly thick walls that kept all emotional relationships safely out. So I decided to take this one on and change it. I found a "victim" (my sister) who was willing to be my test subject for my letting down those barriers once and for all. I sat down with her one day and we talked for 3 hours straight. I made the effort to let my guard completely down and opened up to her emotionally 100%. It worked! Not only that, but I felt soooo relieved afterwards - like I had discovered a new sweet thing about life that I had been missing for so many years! The point is that (1) I was able to objectively identify the barriers that I had built for myself, (2) I made the conscious decision to work on them one at a time and correct them, and (3) I was able to do it all by myself. And I was so happy with the outcome!! I've got a few more of these habits to tackle yet, but I proved to myself conclusively that I could change years of "damaged ways" in just a few weeks! My advice is to look at the trees, not the forest. When you're faced with the big picture it might look overwhelming, like the old you needs to be completely wiped away and replaced with some brand new you. But what looks like a gaping hole in your life is actually just a few gaps that are left when the lies are removed. When you take stock of what has really changed with coming out to yourself and to the world, and you get down to the specifics of what you need to change to fill in those gaps, it's actually not so bad - it's doable. Take from this what you may, but I'll tell you, if I can change my perspective this much from how I felt just a month ago, then I'm thinking that you can too. I wish you all the luck in the world!!
I can't tell from your post whether or not you're doing this on your own. I think tearing down walls and rebuilding requires help from others, perhaps professional, perhaps not. Everything I'm reading in the gay spirituality arena affirms that undoing what you've built up for so long will take some effort. And some time. I have fought my sexuality for 36 years and have just begun the process of coming out. I am working with a therapist, a psychiatrist, a spiritual director, 4 close friends and my wife to make this journey. Pretty soon I'll need someone to pick out my clothes. :help: I attended a Lenten retreat yesterday. During one of the quiet times for reflection, words came to my mind that I believe are a gift from God: "You are who I made you to be." I think they are words for all of us. Peace,
I finally stopped telling myself that I was straight end of last October, and I'm still having uncomfortableness now, but much less than at first. It takes time. Spend time thinking on it and exploring it. Talk about it here. That always helps.
Thanks guys, especially James, you hit the nail on the head. I think that was my biggest problem, I felt like I needed to completely fix everything and change right away rather than look at the specifics. I think with this in mind I can go about changing for the best in baby steps, one tree at a time.
