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Trying to stay Positive

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Dare2bProud, Mar 1, 2010.

  1. Dare2bProud

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    So I have this friend that I'm extremely worried about, his moods seem to be effected by his boyfriend. On Saturday, he locked himself in his room all day because his boyfriend threatened to break up with him on Friday. I kept telling him that him going out and doing something would do him some good and he just wanted to argue with me. Telling me he is writing a letter to his bf to convince him why they should stay together and that he should fly out to see him. Whenever his bf wants to talk on the phone, he drops everything and breaks plans to do so. He will never ignore a call or answer and say I'm in the middle of something can I call you back? He has to answer and if he is busy, his bf gives him guilt trips as to why he should talk to him now. They text all day, talk on the phone morning, noon and video chat in the evening. I just feel so bad for him. I'm trying to stay very positive now, I just do things by myself because he does not want to go because he has to talk to his bf from a distance in the evening. Its just really hard for me to stay positive or to not give my input when he vents to me. Lately, I've just been listening, reminding him that I'm here for him. He does really kind things for me sometimes. He also encourages me to do what I want to do and go have fun and not to worry about him. Its just hard, cause I understand that situation he is in, even when he argues with me and says "You don't understand." Its just really hard to have to be the positive one and not to get upset at him for acting the way he does, because I know its not him. Its just really hard.
     
  2. uptownboy

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    so you're saying that he's being controlled by his bf.. or maybe his bf is kind of possessive mate ?
    have you ever talk about this to your friend ?
    well you know...love drives all of us crazy :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
     
  3. Dare2bProud

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    Oh, i've talked to him, he just gets offended whenever I do or starts making up excuses why his bf does what he does. "Well he doesn't know any better" or that's "just him". So I'm just trying to be the positive party, I use to get so angry at him for dismissing to hang out with me so he can make a phone call or video chat appointment, now I've stopped and am trying to be the positive reinforcer. In return, he is positive back towards me and sometimes out of the blue will do something out of the ordinary for me.
     
  4. Chip

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    This sounds like a rehash of a previous thread you made, on the same topic, with the same person.

    Your friend isn't going to change. He clings to every word his boyfriend says. To expect him to not answer every call, or to not stick around home all night waiting for him to call, is unrealistic.

    I simply don't understand why you continue to put yourself through this, when it is you, not him, that has the ability to change the situation.

    The solution is really simple: Find other people to hang out with. Leave your friend alone, to his own devices, and his own problems. You've already offered up suggestions, none of which he's interested in taking, so why do you continue to try?

    Or, alternatively, you can continue to be there for him, but if you do, then you have to be willing to simply be there, not expect, or even suggest, any change in his behavior whatsoever, since it's clear that he isn't interested in changing.

    If you continue to obsess over him and how unhappy you perceive him to be, then you're just as bad, in your friendship with him, as he is in his relationship with his boyfriend. He is clearly not a healthy person to be hanging around.
     
  5. kv88

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    I agree, people like that can be or are toxic. I know its in our hearts to humanitarians to many especially our friends but sometimes its better to let him be and maybe he might understand of what's going on. Just maybe, be there for him but do it from a distance, being too involved can suck you in and that could bring you down with them.
     
  6. uptownboy

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    agree !
    people like that will never change unless he break up with his bf...that happens all the time
     
  7. I have to agree as well-de friend them until they can get their act together. I went through a situation somewhat similar where I had to break off a friendship because of too much drama. Trust me, you'll feel ten times better and 100% happier b/c of it.
     
  8. Jim1454

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    Agreed. Drop it. Leave him alone to pine for his boyfriend. It's NOT your problem - it's his. You're MAKING it your problem for some strange reason.

    Let him live his life the way he wants to, and you live yours. If he wanted to be doing something different, he would.
     
  9. Dare2bProud

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    Yes. It is a similar thread that I posted before, but I don't know why everyone keeps yelling at me about venting about this. I was describing him in a more different situation and the fact that I have taken much more of a positive stance on this. How challenge it is to be the positive. It is only the two of us working together on the road, I am not on the road with 20 or 30 people, just one other. He's my constant. It hard to find ways to socialize by myself. He would rather talk when we HAVE to be together and after hours there's not interacting. its sad ... I feel so dismissed by it. I'm working really hard to create a personal touring life for myself and to not worry about it, but its really hard to have to go for lunch/diner by myself every single day. Tire of this entire experience being dictated by a long distance relationship ... its wearing me thin. I'm trying different stances on the situation. Its hard. It really is.
     
  10. Jim1454

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    I have to apologize, because you've previously talked about being with him AND with a bunch of other people. Is that no longer the case?

    Now, given that, who are you upset for - him or you?

    If you're worried about him, I'd say stop wasting your own emotions on this subject. He chooses to do this to himself, and it's going to have to be him that chooses to free himself from it. The less of a deal you make of it, the less he'll likely complain and play it up. It really does sound like way too much drama for me to deal with.

    So if it's you that you're upset for, then you need to figure out how to make this situation work for yourself. No - eating out alone isn't much fun at all. But if that's your reality, then you'll have to make the best of it. Subscribe to Skype and make a call home to your mom or something every night. Read books. Do crossword puzzles.

    Finally, if this situation is impacting the quality of the work that the two of you do, then you need to talk to your supervisor about it. His emotional issues and overbearing boyfriend shouldln't be inpacting his ability to do the job that he was hired to do - and if it is impacting his ability, his boss needs to know about it and his boss needs to take it up with him.

    I guess the point is that we all end up in situations that we don't like. That aren't ideal. But we have to accept the things we can not change, change the things we can, and be able to differentiate between the two.
     
  11. Chip

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    I spent 5 years on tour. I was a tour manager and supervised a crew that was originally 2 people and expanded over time to 9. It was slightly different crews almost every tour.

    Sometimes, I barely got along with a given crew for one reason or another. But we still managed to get the job done, and sometimes we'd meet for the workday and go our separate ways afterwards (unless, of course, we were on the bus together) Other times, we all went out and did stuff together on our days off.

    But I think in any case, you need to separate yourself from this person, even if he is the only person out there. Limit your interactions to what you have to do for your work responsibilities. Don't set yourself up as the "listening ear." It will be too frustrating for you. If he starts talking about all his issues, gently say "I don't feel like I can be of much help, because you haven't found my suggestions useful, so I'd rather not talk about these issues."

    To keep yourself sane, go out with the local cast/crew and hang with them after the show (assuming you don't have to drive on to the next town after the show). I found, almost without fail, that the local crew is delighted to hang out with the touring cast/crew after a show.

    But my challenge is... it seems like you're more interested in keeping yourself intertwined with him, and finding reasons/excuses why it's the only option, than in actually solving your own issues and realizing when you have a lost cause. And while I don't know for sure that's the case, it certainly seems like it. So the sooner you realize that and take steps to make your own life better, the sooner you'll be happy.
     
  12. Dare2bProud

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    Thanks guys for the more constructive answers. Perhaps I didn't make myself clear, its a tour team of two, just us going from city to city to school to school. Its just been hard. Everything is dictated by his bf. What's even more frustrating is when he knows i'm upset with him or the situation he will keep in touch with me via txting if I'm out by myself while his skyping or he'll end up doing me favors. Which just makes things weird. He for some reason doesn't want me upset and certainly does want the other party upset. Its just aggravating I guess. Although he totally disrespected me today when he brought his bf to work today without asking me. I'm not sure if I should be angry about that ... but after I've been personally attacked because I'm a gay male on tour with his bf and he's afraid his bf is going to cheat on him with me for some reason or another. He gets upset if he goes out with me for lunch/dinner. I just don't get it. I just feel so dismissed and disrespected or painted out to be someone I'm not. I guess I am rehashing threads I'm sorry. I just don't know how to handle it anymore.
     
  13. Filip

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    Well, I guess that's his problem. Long-term, it's very hard to keep two people with conflicting interests happy. In the end, it always ends up making everyone involved unhappy.

    To avoid this, you need to find a way not to get involved in the drama. And if that means not hanging out outside of what work dictates, then so be it. Your ideal seems to be to find a way to fix his relationship, be best friends and make the best tour ever. Lofty goals, for sure.
    However, if your goals don't work out, sometimes there's no use in trying to change reality and you'll just need to forget a few of your ideals. This is one tour. There will be others, with other partners. Some will be awesome, some not. If you insist that all of them must be fantastic adventures full of fun with awesome people, then honestly, you're in for a lifetime of disappointment. On the other hand, even if an experience isn't what you wanted it to be, you can still make the best of it.

    So, if he wants to invest most of his time in his relationship (which, however it's working out for him, isn't all that odd, I think), then don't make yourself dependant on that. Find something else to do. Read, watch a DVD, visit a local point of interest, follow Chip's suggestion and try to hang out with some of the local people you had to work together with...
    Just don't spend your time "being there for him", or making your life dependant on what he does. That's not your job. If he's free and you're free at the same time to hang out a bit, then fine. If not, then it's your free time to spend as you wish, so don't spend it waiting on him!
     
  14. Chip

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    The problem is becoming clearer to me. I think both of you have not-so-great relationship boundaries, and I think there's a really strong codependency thing going on between the two of you. You have a desire to please and help or "save" others, and he seems to have a strong need to be liked and feel dependent. And neither of you seems to have healthy boundaries about honoring each other's emotional space. (which is exactly what gives rise to codependency in the first place.)

    So how do you resolve these situations? One party has to set boundaries for both. And it's difficult, because the other party will do everything possible -- pout, cry, get angry, text incessantly, create "emergencies" -- to violate the boundaries that the other attempts to set. And in this case, you're the one that needs to set the boundaries.

    If he texts you when you're out by yourself, send one text in response that says "Hey, I'm out and busy with friends right now, I'll talk to you tomorrow" and simply DON'T RESPOND to any other texts. Ditto if he calls.

    If he does this or that nice thing, say "It's nice that you're thinking of me, and I appreciate it, but it's totally not necessary and makes me uncomfortable. I'd appreciate if, in the future, you just give me the space I need."

    If he comes to you about his bf, politely decline and say "Gee, I wish I could be of more help, but it doesn't seem that my advice has been helpful in the past so I think it's best you call a friend for advice."

    If his BF shows up and creates problems, just politely say "I'm sorry you feel that way. Our relationship is solely professional, and that's all it will ever be. I'm just trying to do my job, and I'd appreciate if you'd treat me with the courtesy and respect I'm giving you." If the problem persists, talk to whomever your supervisor is and explain what's happening.

    These things are always hard, and they go against the natural inclinations of someone with codependent tendencies. It may make things a little uncomfortable in the short term, but in the longer term, they are necessary, and they do help to foster healthier boundaries.