I haven't been here in a long time...but I think that it's time that I came back and stayed. I need a support system more than anything at the moment and would like to continue to receive it in the coming years. Here is what happening... I want to tell my parents right now who I am. I am sick of hiding it. I can't focus on myself and on school and on my life. This is now becoming a very grave problem. It is affecting me like it never has before. If I tell them the truth I fear for my physical and mental safety as well for my LIFE. I also fear of being kicked out and not having a home. This would make everything impossible for me. I no longer know what to do. I want to tell them more than anything. I am fed up with lying about it. I hate lying. My life at home is nothing but lies, constant lies. 100% of the resentment I have towards my parents is because I am gay and they will never accept it. This leads me to mistreat them and when they ask me why I do such things, I CANNOT tell them the truth, which leads them to think that I am doing it just because, and thus leads them to further confusion. I feel like I am stuck. I feel like I am running out of life and out of breath. I have been thinking horrible things. I am down a lot of times to the point where my brain starts to hurt. This is not good for me. It has come to a point where it is wearing my health down as well as my emotional and mental being. I no longer know what to do. I no longer know who to go to. My friends can only help me so much. Nothing is going to improve regarding this situation. I feel completely helpless. I feel that nobody can help me escape this hell. This IS hell. What I am living is complete hell. I am not sure how much longer I can withstand it. I am in constant emotional and spiritual pain. I am not sure how much I can take anymore.The pain is becoming unbearable. I no longer know what to do... I end this by asking for help. I am not sure how you can help me, but at this point, I cannot even help myself. I have tried to smile and be happy and be thankful for the wonderful friends and things that I have in life...but that is not working at all. I feel as if it is all going to waste with the negativity that is arising out of this situation. I can no longer withstand the pain.It is too much for me. I have done all I can to solve it...but it is not working. I have tried to be positive and happy and have a good approach to my parents...but I realize that it will all go to waste when I finally tell them the truth. I can no longer be at my house. It is an unhealthy atmosphere for me. I am lost inside my head. All I know is that I want to leave this place and go far away. I could wait out the two years that I have left in school and then tell them...but those will be two miserable years.
Have you thought about the possibility of staying at school during the summers and coming home infrequently? Have you searched the internet for organizations in your area that will take you in if you are kicked out of your house for being gay? I know it sucks now, and even if you think your parents will never come around..They might. It might take them a long time (or it might not!) but sooner or later, most DO come around.
I have not...though I don't think there are any. Otherwise I would have heart about it. And I can't stay in school because it would be more expensive. Yes I would have my freedom but it would only be temporary. I think they might never come around because they have told me that if I were to be gay they would never speak to me again and that I can just forget about them. :/
How about if you were working on campus? I paid $50/week to live on campus during the summer and made much more than that working full time on campus plus part time off campus. I thought it might help you get through the 2 years you have left. Sorry to hear about what they said to you. You don't deserve that.
Here is a big hug Do you have some other family members that can help you out? An older brother or sister? An aunt? An uncle? A cool cousin? That you can come out to, be comfortable around, that could host you for a little while? Just a quick thought..
You would be surprised what hateful, mean things some people will say, but when faced with the actual situation they come around. This isn't to say you should come out to them and cross your fingers that it doesn't trigger an atomic blast. Unaware of your courseload, what about working part-time and living on campus like Johnnieguy said? Or shared accomodations? Do your parents have money? Would they be willing to help pay rent just so that you can have more independence? Or like ArabMan said, do you have a supportive friend, friend's family, or family member of your own that would be accepting and would house you while at school?
I kinda know how you feel on this one. I knew I wasn't going to be kicked out, but I thought my parents would stop funding my education, so I said I wasn't going to tell them until I graduated and didn't need the financial support. So I went home for winter break, and everything felt like a lie. I couldn't be myself at home, and I hated it. So when I got back to school, I wrote them a letter telling them about me and my various other issues. I realized that even if they stop supporting me, I'll file as an independent and get tons of financial aid, being under the poverty line (god knows I'm not making over 18k while in college). The Point Scholarship could fund me as well. And I did have that safety net. My friends know about my home issues. My parents don't accept me for being gay, and my dad and I outright don't like each other. Because of that though, my amazing friends have offered their home to me for breaks, and to take me in if I didn't want to go home. I'm sure you have friends like this too. You say you have some great ones, and I'm sure they'll do what they can to help you. Your school's counseling center or gay student group could also help you with the issue. And of course, we're all here for you. If you don't feel comfortable coming out to your parents yet, don't do it. I did it because I felt terrible at home, and I didn't really care what they did about it anymore, and they were going to find out eventually. If you fear physical harm, please please please take someone with you when you tell them. Have a way out. Your parents might not react as you expect, but if they do, you most likely have a safety net if you just ask. Check out these sites too. They can help you find some GLBT resources in your area. http://www.glnh.org/index2.html http://www.glbtnearme.org/ We're all here for you, and you have our support whatever you choose.
First, let me dump some of my emotional baggage before I get to yours. ...if my partner plays that damn "Lollipop Luxury" song ONE more time, I swear to GOD I'm gonna delete his hard drive and fill it with nothing but post-bop jazz. ...sorry. I feel better now, and I can focus on you. A lot of the times, we're faced with extremely difficult situations, where both options involve some major negatives. And that's where you are now. You basically have two options - live rent-free with homophobic parents, or try to eke out a living on your own. Both with major drawbacks. You've tried the first, and it ain't working. Which means you'll have to go with the second. You're going to have to move out. As soon as you possibly can. Not when you finish school. Not when it becomes convenient. But as soon as possible. And you need to start taking the steps to do so immediately. If you're not employed, you need to get employed. Not at your dream job, or at a place that looks fun. But a place that will hire you immediately. If you're already employed, look into increasing your hours. Next, look at possible living situations. Again, not ideal ones, where you have a pool and hot roommate. But ones that you can afford and get into now. Check online, in papers, and on campus for "roommates wanted". Ask friends and classmates if they need a roommate, or know somebody who does. If you've never roomed with anybody (common in your situation), start doing some thinking about how to be an ideal roommate. (Basic thought - be invisible, and make the place better for you being there.) Then, when it looks like you have things lined up...tell your parents. Tell them that you've decided you have to move out. Because they've told you they don't want you in their house if you're gay, and gay is what you are. This will give them a chance to renege on their threat. Because many clueless parents think they can "scare the gay" out of their kids with talk like that. If it ends up they don't renege, pack your stuff and get out. No, this isn't going to be easy. But I think you knew that. Good luck to you. Lex
Hi there. First off i must say no one should be made to feel as you do over something totaly out of your control,you didn't decide to be gay. If things get to a point where you think it can't get much worse if they know,you could try explaining your problems and coming out.If you ever get to that stage be sure to show them your post on here,any decent parent would be moved and ashamed to read that. Please dont give up on them yet,my homophobic dad said "thats your decision,if thats the lifestyle you want,thats up to you" then we both shut up and he has never mentioned it since,but i will if i feel the need,such as a serious relationship.You just never know until it is sudenly thier child and not just any kid. It would be very wise now to try and get some sort of backup plan, even if you dont intend to come out.Things have a nasty habit of becoming gossip/common talk and parents never appreciate hearing second hand gossip such as"is it true your ----- is gay?",so just be aware that the more people that know, the greater the risk of roumers getting back home! As alot of us on here know,we get the feeling of "Im sick of lyeing,its time to come clean" but try to plan for the worst case,even if it takes a little time,usually most parents come to accepting you or at least have a "dont mention it again "kind of attitude which is not ideal but gives you a quiet life. I wish you look,but only you can decide where to go from here.
Thank you guys so much for the replies. Let me address a few points while at the same time responding to the threads above: I do not have close family members here. I moved from South American to the USA at the age of 12 and 95% of my family lives down there. Even if they lived up here, none of them would accept me. Latin American cultures are very religious and conservative. So no, I do not have anyone I could stay with family related. I DO have a close family friend who has offered her place to me. She also has given me a lot of advice as to what I should do. I DO have a job but only part time because of school. I have already asked them to please increase my hours...but they have payroll issues (because the holidays are over) and naturally they are cutting hours. It is a minimum wage job but hey, it is a job. I told my parents I wanted to see a psychologist but they refuse. They told me that I can't go to a stranger and tell them things I could easily tell them. But the problem is that what I have to say is not suitable for my parents. So again, I am stuck. This has caused me to do things on my own. I have a friend who knows a lot about insurance and counseling and he is in the process of helping me. As for the roommate situation...that probably could not work out at the moment, but I will see what I can do. I have a boyfriend who has told me that once he moves up here he will "Rescue" me and I can stay with him and his roommates until we save up money and are money stable. The problem is that I DO want to finish college...however, with this situation, I do not see that as a possibility at the moment. I will keep you guys update. If anyone has more advice for me PLEASE PLEASE respond. Again, thank you guys very much for your help. It means a lot to me. <3 (PS: I wish I could change my screen name to something more mature!....sorry. )
Have you looked into the counseling services at your university/college? They are often provided free of charge to students. They usually start with a limited number of sessions (4-6), but that number can usually be extended by the counselor on request. This might sound really lame, but stay in school! Education is important, especially in this job market. It's not worth it to sacrifice your future well-being over temporary problems. Moreover, being at university/college is often the best place you can be during a recession because once you graduate, the odds are the economy will improve.
Hi there! A couple of things that came to mind when I was reading through your reply. You might want to look into a work/study programme or something similar to that at your college. Usually universities/colleges will offer on campus employment to students who are in financial need. These jobs often do pay better than your typical minimum wage job and you would probably work the same amount of hours than you what you do right now. I think it would be worth looking into it if you could do something like this on the side. Another thing you could do is ask professors or instructors if they need research assistants. A lot of instructors will hire or employ RAs for projects that they are currently working on. As Spectre mentioned, have a look at your college's student services and see if they counseling services. Counseling services for students are free of charge and all you would need to do is to make an appointment. At most universities/colleges it works like with any other psychologists visits. Usually you can see the counselor as many times as you need to (unless there are restrictions in place) and your visits are kept confidential. Maybe I have missed something in your previous posts, but why do you think that it is not possible to finish college at the moment? I think you can solve all of the issues that you are facing. It is going to involve some work but it shouldn't distract from finishing college. I think it you could see a counselor at your college it could help you in moving forward on the issues you are facing but also continue your education. I hope this helps a bit.
University counseling services can be great, even though it's free. They certainly helped me out a ton, and it was 6 sessions per semester for us, but they didn't keep track. I mentioned that I wanted to finish off the 6 to my counselor, and he didn't even realize there was a limit on them. They care more about taking care of you than they do about their budget. If you really want to come out, there are scholarships that can take care of you. The Point scholarship is made specifically for LGBT youth who are no longer supported by their parents. You can finish out school , whether you tell your parents or not. I know it's rough to not tell your parents, and finances is exactly the reason I wasn't going to tell mine (until I did, which was completely against what I had planned). Once I realized there were organizations out there to protect against exactly what I was afraid of, I had no reason to keep my secret, so I outed myself because I couldn't stand lying about it. (I don't lie, ever, if I can prevent it so being in the closet was terribly difficult for me to pull off). Your financial aid department might be able to help you as well, if you just ask and explain your situation. Asking can't hurt. I will say though, don't move in with your boyfriend unless you actually want to move in, and take that relationship step. It might be an escape, but then you're dependent on him for a living situation just like you are with your parents now, so if things go bad (which you never know if they will or not in a relationship, especially once you start living together), you have nowhere to go. If it's your only option, go ahead and take it, but otherwise try and find something else until you're ready to move in to be with him, and not to be away from something else.
The campus that I attend offers no couseling services. It is offered at the main campus because the students that go there do pay more money than I do. It's very unfortunate, but that is what I have been told. As for work study, the choices are non existent. I did talk to my mom's friend and she has offered a place for me to stay. It looks like I have a lot to think about. I am really stressed right now because I have many people offering their advice and opinion to me and thus I am becoming more confused because I don't know who to listen to. I realize that I have to listen to myself and do what makes me happy. but I value the opinion of people who are older than I am and who have had more experience. I will keep you guys posted. For the moment, I am trying to figure things out. It sucks that I am going through this but nobody said life was going to be easy.
You've got it right at least, that you have to listen to yourself. We're just bouncing ideas off you in case you hear something you think might help. No matter what you decide, we're behind you. Good luck!
Sometimes too much advice is just as bad as not enough. (Said Lex, realizing that this is yet another piece of advice...) Take a bit of time to mull it over. It won't suddenly "all be clear to you", I don't think, but you'll eventually decide which path is right for you. Lex
