!long story imminent! So I'm now pretty much out to my parents... whoopdy fucking doo well the least I can say is that they didn't take it very well, what's worse I didn't even want to come out to them yet, some people might call it being pulled out of the closet but it feels like it's been burned down around me, I'll tell you the story: Last night while listening to music and sitting on the computer my dad walks in and says "get on your shoes and your coat we're going to the office (the place where dad runs his business) I've got a wee job for you to help me with" so when we get there we go in and he pulls over two chairs and says sit down, you and I are going to have a heart to heart talk and were having no bullshit right? I had already worked out this was what was probably going to happen but anyway, I sat down and he says, I have a pair of very good cuff links, have a look at this one, he gives me one of them then he takes the other one and puts it into his handkerchief and stomps on it, breaking it in half, he then proceeds to tell me all about breaking things and how he knows what I'm going through and he tells me a story about how he almost committed suicide when he was 16, then he pulls a bunch of print outs of my blog posts on EC, I was flabbergasted, then he basically lectured me on how I'm going through biology and how it's confusing me and driving me around the bend, about how my hormones are going at a billion miles an hour, he told me about my gay cousin, who I have absolutely no intention of following or being anything like, he is a total bastard and if I wound up like him I would be so ashamed, then he told me about how if I came out I would break all of my relationships and lose my friends. 2 hours of him lecturing me on life the universe and everything we went home, on the way home he described how the world works and how everything we as a species are fundamentally selfish and are killing the world through our own stupidity. after we got home I went up to my room and I cried like I haven't done in my life, the only way I can describe it is like losing a relative, not physically someone dying but I wont be able to look at my dad the same, partly for some of the things he said that I have written and partly for some of the things he said that I will have to take to the grave with me, I just cannot say them for they are dangerous, it hurts but the worst thing is he wants me to do it all again on Monday, I feel I'm safe now because he is in Scotland visiting my sister. I hate myself for even saying that he's my DAD! he's the one I'm meant to go to for protection and help and yet now I don't think I can even talk a full sentence to him! also he quite obviously knows about EC and he said he doesn't want me going on here any more hence the title I wont be aloud the one place I can go in the day and just be me. Sorry this has been a real rant but I just needed to get that off of my chest. Thanks for reading if you stuck with it but please :help:
That's a really shitty situation, and I'm sorry that happened, but the reality is your dad loves you, is worried about you, and doesn't really know how to deal with this situation. You have to understand most people have never had someone come out to them, it's not a situation one can know how to react to (in particular when you're talking about your own child for whom you have all these hopes, dreams and expectations). Additionally, I have to tell you that while your dad was out of line to confront you about it, his heart was probably in the right place (even if he said all the wrong things and didn't react well to it). Trust me, give it time, you never know what's going to be around the corner, and if your dad really loves you, then you and he are going to make it through this.
I'm so sorry that this happened with your dad. Parents. We're a funny breed. We think we doing what's best for our kids. Only our kids don't always see it that way. And quite often we aren't doing what's best for our kids, but we simply don't know any better. This was a really upsetting situation for you - no doubt. Try to keep things in perspective. If you were to come out, I doubt you'd loose all of your relations and friendships. But even if you did, what is worse? Pretending to not be gay and wondering if 100% of your friends and relatives would hate you if they knew you were gay, OR being yourself and knowing for sure that 10% of your friends and family don't give a shit that you're gay, and that they love you anyway just the way you are? Personally, I'd go for option B. I'd rather know where I stood with people than spend my life wondering. Because the fact of the matter is you're gay. That's not likely going to change - despite what your dad hopes. I wish I could give you a big hug - but this will have to do. (*hug*)
Oh Connor...I'm so sorry! Your Dad is reacting out of fear and ignorance. Hopefully he will calm down and you can educate him. PM me and I'll get you some resources to help your Dad. Hang in there!
Connor, I feel terrible for you!! I hope you don't have to leave EC for very long, because a lot of people are going to miss you! Let me join the crowd that wishes you a bunch of these - (*hug*) What sucks the most is that this violates the privacy of EC for you, and that's not supposed to happen. It's another reason why I don't think anyone should be using their pictures as avatars (Mods, are you listening?) because they are open to the public to see and identify you. I would feel totally violated if anyone I knew in person saw what I was posting on here - I've opened up to things I haven't said to anyone anywhere else. That just plain sucks. I wish there was a logical explanation for your dad's reaction, but there isn't always a good explanation for things that happen. I think a big part of the problem is how and when this happened. First off it happened a little too early, before you were ready and before you had time to prepare how you'd handle it. That is very unfortunate, but it happened. Second is how it happened, and I think that might be responsible for at least half of what went down. Rather than you preparing how you were going to do this to make sure that he understood all the important things (it's not a phase, I know for sure, here's some helpful resources for parents, etc.) he got to draw all his conclusions before ever speaking to you. Worse, he has a bad example of gays in your cousin to bias him even more, and he has your posts from EC which won't necessarily tell the whole story as it needs to be heard. All of that adds up to him coming at this with a very closed mind that's already been made up, making it even harder for you to get your side heard and understood. I'd like to tell you to go back in the closet for a few more years, but I'm not sure that's possible with how far this has gone. This may be out of hand enough that you're going to have to "finish the conversation" so to speak, but this time with him hearing your side of the story - with him listening and not talking. Maybe let him sleep on this for a day or two and then force the issue with him, or wait until he initiates that second talk but before you have it, let him know that you need to tell him your side of it before he rushes to judgment. Appeal to him however you know him best - by telling him you love him and you need him to understand now more than ever - but he needs to hear your side. And don't pay too much attention to the sideways things he's saying about being gay and biology and whatever. They are not informed thoughts, and you probably know the truth about being gay much better just from the time you've spent on EC - what he says doesn't change the truth. Keep strong and be your own best ally in seeing yourself through this. Remember that your life will be changing anyway in a few years once you're out of school and into college or whatever, and you'll have a much easier time defining yourself as you know you are, not as your parents want to think you are. But I'm no expert on this and these are only my suggestions - listen to what everyone else at EC has to say and hopefully there's some collective wisdom you can draw from the group that works for you. We don't want to lose you!! :icon_sad:
Oh, and in case he's reading this post too - Hey there Connor's dad, please make the effort to listen to your son's side of the story. Being gay isn't easy to begin with, and finding out at an early age that you're different from the others can be confusing and even emotionally traumatizing. But it is a lot easier with understanding parents. At least hear him out - he's still your son, you still love him, and you owe it to him to understand what he's going through. Please do this for his sake. And check out the resources of PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians And Gays) - www.pflag.org. This isn't some "gay agenda" group, this is real parents just like you who are coming to terms with their child being gay. It will really help you understand what your son is going through and also what you're going through. Please do this. Please?
I just posted this link on another thread. It would be helpful for Connor's Dad too! http://www.apa.org/topics/sexuality/sorientation.pdf
Soory to hear you're going through a tough time Connor, UI know what its like to have a father who lets you down. It sounds like your Dad has the wrong impression on gays, and how he brought this up, blind siding you with post you've made and trying to manipulate your way of thinking by telling you suicide stories, was wrong. The best advice I can give is that you won't have to live with him forever. Once you move out you will have your own life and your own way of living. Stay strong kiddo
I'd like to echo the things JamesENL said to you FATHER OF CONNOR, if you still have the nerve to visit again and see the repercussions of your well intended, but moralistic bombastic invasion of his mind and heart. Go to Connor's Profile, you've been there before raiding it, and use the Statistics Tab to search for all the things he has written to people here. You may discover a Connor you just never knew existed. He is first of all, a very bright lad. He is kindly, well spoken, intelligent and witty. His sense of humor sparkles. Don't put out this light. It is too precious. He is too precious. LISTEN TO HIM. We do not choose to be this way. This is not a perversion of who we are, this is an expression of who we were born to be. God made us this way, despite what you have heard otherwise. God made us all unique individuals, even when we can be defined as part of a group. God didn't create a world of heterosexual Christian parents and children with a predetermined destiny to maintain this relationship for eternity. He did not make you the arbitrator of the destiny of your children. God did make Connor, and in His own image: intelligent, loving, caring, and free. If you want to look at the word of God in action, look into your own Son's Heart. There you will find the Son of Man.
Connor - This really sucks and puts you in a corner that will make you think suicide might be a better option. Does your Dad spy on you? How in the heck did he get wind of EC? And then find your profile? Did someone tell him? (ok. I'm sorry for badgering you I'm just pissed off at your dad for being such a close-minded prick: "you will be the son I want you to be come hell or high water.") Okay, I don't usually recommend an end-run around parents. Can you set up a new profile in EC that doesn't have any identifying info and then keep your browsing history clean? I know I'm telling you to disobey your dad but I also know what it's like to be gay, in the closet because of fear of your parents, and then stay there way too long. I also don't know if the moderators might give you a way to be in contact with them outside of EC. I suppose even then you'll need to be discreet. Do you have internet access at cybercafes? Please know you are in my prayers. Peace, Mike (Oh - I completely forgot about Connor's dad reading this. If you are, please feel free to write on my wall through Connor. If your objections are in any way religious, I can help you with that.)
wow I gotta say thanks to everyone, I haven't had to leave yet because there's about a hundred miles of land and sea between me and him so I can be here at least for now, that is gonna end tomorrow but don't worry I am going to start a new profile just like you said Padre, this is what EC really is here for and thanks again everyone you have no idea how much just your kind words help, and if my dad tries to view this, well that's going to be taken care of, I'm going to have to terminate this profile before dad gets home, I'm still shaken up by what he said but I know he loves me and he only said what he said so that I don't follow in his footsteps, I have no intention of winding with a knife in my wrists, thanks again everyone
How did your dad find out you were on here? I’d be cautious about coming on here from your home computer if that’s how he found out. If you do come on here from your home computer make sure you learn how to delete any trace that you came here after each use. You might also want to edit the post where you said you would create a new account.
Here's my suggestion. Give it a day or two (this is strange advice from me considering I tend to dwell on situations and want them resolved now). Once you feel things have calmed down for a bit tell your dad you'd like to have a private talk with him. Be very open and honest, don't worry about saying the right things, just say what you need to say. And then tell him that you love him, and you need to know that despite this he'll love you too because he's a part of your life you can't just ignore or stop loving, he's your dad.
Well Connor if you do come back as someone else, I still want to stay your friend. Remember us all:goodluck:ride::music:
