My family is a mess right now, but getting better. My sister just got out of a 2-year abusive (mentally, not physically) relationship, and it really tore the family apart. He manipulated her and forced her to bring forward to the family deep rooted problems that she wasn't ready to deal with, and indirectly called her things that no boyfriend ever should. As such, he instantly turned my family against him. My sister then blamed us and herself for all the problems she was having in her relationship. "If you could just accept him, everything would be okay." Meanwhile, she was constantly having arguments and fights with her boyfriend. Her boyfriend was insecure. He pulled her away from friends and family. It nearly killed my parents - they didn't know what to do. Every time she called home crying it drove another dagger through my mom's heart. My mom thought the relationship was all her fault for not raising her better. My dad thought he had been a terrible father. I told them both they're absolutely ridiculous if they think that. I pointed out all of their illogical and irrational thoughts. I helped them a lot, but the damage was done. Then there's me. My mom knows about my sexuality and is accepting, but my dad and sister do not. I still resent my sister for having caused the family such turmoil, my mother such pain. I wish I was the only one in my family with issues to deal with. Now that she's out of the relationship, I see glimpses of the old sibling I once had through the shattered and demoralized visage of the one I have now. Our relationship is improving. I want to tell her, but I cannot bring myself to do it. I know she would be accepting, but I guess I am too nice. She's stressed with school, with work, with life. I don't want to add any more stresses on top of that. Then there's my father. Neither me nor my mother knows how he would react, but I have a feeling it could destroy him. He always points out the pretty girls, and says I should go talk to them. I wish he would put 2+2 together, but he's oblivious. After the happenings with my sister and her relationship, he's a shell of what he once was. In some ways, this fragility makes him a lot nicer and more caring towards me. But I feel he really knows nothing about me, and if he found out about my sexuality, he would find some way to blame himself for that, too. I worry that it will cause yet another rift in the family. I don't know if I'll ever tell him. I feel I am ready for a boyfriend, but that I've wasted years of my life. I'm only 23 and I feel old. I'm soon graduating, and don't know what I want to do with my life, or where I want to be. The world seems daunting. I know this feeling is normal. On top of that, out of the people I've told, none of them suspected. I don't look or sound stereotypically gay. I feel like I'm totally screwed because of it, or that I will need to wear rainbow colored shirts to be noticed by any guy. Living in a city with nothing going on in terms of GLBT activities doesn't help, but that's temporary. I don't know what to do.
Hi there! First off: (*hug*) I am glad that things are getting better for your family and that your sister has gotten out the relationship with her boyfriend. I am also glad to read that your relationship with your sister is improving. Hopefully this will allow your family to begin to turn the page on the last two years. You have already begun to heal the wounds created during the last two years. You have already helped your parents/family a lot during these difficult times. Keep being there for them and let them know that. It is really up to you if you want to come out to your sister and your dad but maybe your coming out to your sister would help the two of you to create a closer relationship again. Usually coming out is about creating stronger and more meaningful relationships with your parents, siblings and friends. Although your relationship with your sister as suffered and it is not there yet where it once was, telling your sister about an important part of yourself could perhaps allow the two of you to come closer again. It might also help you not only to feel more yourself around your sister but it might also help you turn the page on your resentment towards her. Your coming out to your sister has nothing to with adding more stress to her own life. If you are worried about that, you can always address it in your coming out to her, when you let her know as to why you are coming out to her. Before you come out to her, ask yourself "why do I want to come out?" Take these answers and let her know. The fact is that everyone is always busy, whether it be with school, work or whatever else might be going in in their lives. In some ways coming closer to your sister and indicating to her that "I'm ready to form a closer bond with you again" might actually make things a bit easier on her too. At least it would also give her the feeling that her family is still trusting of her and that whatever happened over the last two years, happened and a new chapter can be written. I know this is easier said than done but give it some thought as to the motivations are when wanting to come out to your sister. As for coming out to your dad, if you fear that it could be quite hard for him to take, maybe wait a bit longer at least until all of the dust from what happened during the last two years has settled. At the same time, maybe try to strike up some conversations with him about LGBT issues. Do you talk with your dad about politics or stuff in the news? You could also just comment on something that you have heard or read about LGBT and see how he reacts. When the time comes and you decide to tell your dad, the first thing you could tell him is that it is no ones fault and there is no need to blame oneself or anyone for that matter. From what you have said, it seems that your parents have listened to you in the past. You have helped to get through the last two years by pointing irrational thoughts out to them and helping them to get through a very difficult time. Use that to your advantage in that you already know that one, he will listen, and two that if you talk with him about it, chances are that he will understand and realize that whatever thoughts he might be having in terms of blaming himself would be irrational too. At the same time, your dad might be very accepting. He loves you and given the help you have provided to your parents it sounds like that you have become a lot closer. In some ways that could also prove to be an important factor when it comes to his reaction to your coming out. You haven't wasted any years of your life. You have an education that you can put to good use. Maybe try seeing a career counselor at your college/university and talk about various job and career options to figure out what could interest you or what you would like to do. Maybe try to think about your interests and then try to fit some of these interests to a potential career or job. Also, have a look on their website and various other career websites to get an idea as to what could interest you. Yes, things can seem daunting at times and can feel overwhelming, but they don't have to be. Maybe start by giving it some thought to as to what you would like to do. Once you have that figured out things won't seem all that daunting anymore because that will help you to figure out in which industry you want to work in and also open up the possibilities as to where you could potentially find that job. Sorry to hear that you live in an area that doesn't have LGBT activities. But that doesn't mean that things are all that gloomy and I am glad you have recognized that. Once you are out there and perhaps also move to another city for a job or better job opportunities it could also help you with your private life. That is something you can also think about when you start looking for jobs or the kinds of things that would interest you to do. I hope this helps a bit! (*hug*)
I didn't start exploring my sexuality until I was 24, I thought I was old at the time, I was wrong, and I also live in a crappy town that has nothing going on GLBT wise. I am also not stereotypically gay, I don't wear rainbow colored clothing, and I feel no need to act that way (indeed I learned after my friends came out they were all seriously shocked, and had an extended debate with the one friend who claimed he knew and ended up finding out he was full of it). You don't need to fit into the label to find happiness, and trust me there are plenty of guys out there who take notice either way. Just be yourself and have fun, you'll find plenty of guys to date, and hell maybe even the guy you're meant to be with. And hey, like me, you'll get out of your shithole city eventually.
Thank you both for your replies, I really appreciate them. My plan was definitely to wait longer before coming out to him. It's just frustrating when I feel I'm ready to come out to everyone, but at the same time feel he isn't ready to hear it. And, unfortunately, we don't talk much. If I were to suddenly start talking about anything with him he would think there's a reason. If I were to start talking about an LGBT issue he might start to question the reasons behind it. And like I said, I don't think he's ready to hear the answers. I guess after reading so many stories I bought into the notion that it's not the best to come out to someone when they're under extreme stress. And lately, she always seems to be under extreme stress. But I really hadn't thought about how it might make her feel better about the situation or herself. Part of the reason I hadn't told her sooner was because I feared she would tell her boyfriend, and he would use it somehow. Now that that (hopefully) isn't an obstacle anymore, I guess I am trying to be the "good brother" and not do anything to shake up her world any further. I failed to consider how it might have the opposite effect. But sometimes I feel it would be easier for those that do. People fear rejection, which is why I think you won't find many gay guys going up to the straight looking guys to ask them out for coffee. And when in a place that has very little in terms of GLBT support or activities, not being "obvious" seems like a detriment towards meeting someone.
But would you be happy completely changing who you are just because it might make it easier for you to get noticed? I'll be honest, you'll be much happier being yourself and finding someone who loves you for you. I admittedly struggled like you because frankly I just don't seem that gay, and even when a guy is probably flirting with me I generally don't want to just assume that he's gay (I just don't work that way). I finally realized a good way to get out and meet gay guys in the community is through the internet. Check out some social networking sites, and get to know the people in your community. You'll find once you meet a few people from the net in person and make friends (or more), it will be easier and easier to meet new guys in your community because you have a few connections, and that's a start (and frankly even if it's just friends, hot guys have hot guy friends). So don't give up, and don't force yourself to fit into a mold that wouldn't make you happy. You'll be fine, trust me
You have some great advice so far, so I really don't have much else to add. The only thing I might suggest is that you try to work on your relationship with your father a little bit. You mentioned that you feel like he doesn't know you well and that the two of you do not talk very much. Perhaps both for his sake and for your sake, you could work on building your relationship with him by talking to him more and by doing some sort of activity with him that you both enjoy.
Anyway I know how you feel, but when I was your age I felt I was wasting years of my life but unlike you I was not out then so I envy you on comming out at that age. I never had a boyfriend either. Well my advise is for you to move out of your city. I wish I moved out of my town I grew up when I was your age as I found it to be really bigoted then. Anyway sorry about your disfunctional family and hope all works out for you eventually for them.
I would have to agree with everyone else with saying that it seems like working on your relationship with your dad would be the best thing to do first. Some parents might take things such as this harder when they know little to nothing about their child. Good luck with everything and stay strong
Oh, you have no idea how much I know how you feel! I never dated any girls in high-school and still no one has ever suspected! I even purchased a rainbow necklace but have yet to be brave enough to ware it in public... But despite this I wholeheartedly agree with what someguy82 said, IMHO, I'd wager that being with a guy under false pretenses (lying to oneself and pretending to be super-stereotyped gay guy) would be almost, if not as bad as lying to oneself and pretending to be straight. (Not to mention that I'm a terrible actor and wouldn't be able to pull off a gay-guy-act if my life depended on it...) I think no one should settle for less than perfect; you deserve someone who loves you, not your act!
Thanks guys. Of course I have no intention of changing who I am as a person in order to fit into any label. That would be absolutely foolish (and I wouldn't be able to pull it off, either!). I just think in some ways it would be easier to be somewhat obvious. One of the main issues I've seen time and time again has been "do I approach guy X? I don't know if he's gay or not!"
Not necessarily! I think often times it is *just* a matter of you kicking yourself in the butt, taking a deep breath and just going for it and saying 'hey, would you like to go for a coffee?' I know it sounds quite a bit forward and you would be putting yourself in situations that aren't all that comfortable to begin with but sometimes, this is what needs to happen. After a social event at which I was talking with someone, I asked "would you like to get together for a coffee" (which was actually the first time I did that). Although nothing came of it, still it left me with the feeling: that wasn't too bad. In terms of knowing if someone is gay or not, you could always just play it by ear. When you strike up a conversation with someone you find interesting, give it a bit of time for the other person to tell things about himself. The more comfortable someone is, the more one is inclined to open up or at least drop enough hints for you to be able to incorporate my sexuality in a conversation (and indirectly coming out to him), which might allow the other person to take the next step.
