I've been having this thought about letting my friends know that I'm gay. So in the past, I used to live in various different places, and because of the environments and the people I knew, it was difficult to tell anyone. Around 1.5 years ago I came to the city I'm currently in. Everyone I know around here is totally accepting of it, and I know they would not have a problem. Before, I'd never had a single friend who was gay, but here, it just happens that some of my friends are. However, unlike me it seems like they've never had a problem being out and are totally open about it. But the way they seem so comfortable about it, while I am not, makes me feel worse. I feel I can't say anything to my friends because I would be embarrassed that I couldn't tell them before, despite knowing them for over a year. I don't want them to think that I was unable to. For example, there's this one guy, when there was a "coming out week" at our university, he jokingly asked our other friend who is gay, "so how many people came out?". I know he's completely ok with gay people but it made me feel bad. I feel like people will think less of me because I was unable to be out. Maybe I'm just imagining excuses because I'm just too shy to say anything. I've always been really shy, and also I remember embarrassing incidents forever and feel guilty about them so I'm always trying to avoid them. Well I guess I know what I should be doing, so maybe I don't need advice but I just wanted to tell this stuff to someone.
I was like you not too long ago, and I'll tell you you're at the point you just maybe need a nudge like I did. Just bite the bullet and do it, the catharsis will be amazing, and your friendships will become even stronger than they were before. And trust me your gay friends weren't always so comfortable with it either. They will understand, and they will support and be there for you.
Everybody's journey is different. Some people are comfortable with their sexuality at a very young age, and some became comfortable with it later. Some people have grown up in a loving and supportive background wich enable them to come out early in their life, and some people don't have this chance. There are a lot of factors that play in coming out. What is important is not that you were not comfortable to come out to your friends before. What is important is that you are comfortable to come out to them now. I'm sure your friends, and especially the ones who already came out to you, will be fine with you coming out to them. But in case your coming out raises questions such as "Why haven't you told us before ?" I think you can tell your friend that before moving in this city, you were not in a friendly environnement and didn't feel comfortable to come out, and that it took you a year and a half to be comfortable enought in your new environnnement to feel safe enought to do so. I'm sure your friend are able to understand and won't think less of you for this. I think the only person who thinks less of you because you haven't came out before is yourself. Good luck, and take care (*hug*)
Hi there! I'm glad you wrote it all out. Maybe that already helped you a bit in moving forward. There is no reason to feel worse or uncomfortable. As Eleanor Rigby mentioned, everyone has a different path. Some become comfortable quicker than others. But that's okay. What really matters at the end of the day is not how long it took you to come out or to whom you have come out, rather, how comfortable you feel with letting others know. your friends will not think any less of you because some of them will know how hard this journey and coming out process can be. Being around others who are more open and have a different journey than you have can be perhaps a bit intimidating at first but it can also be positive because in some ways they show you in their own way what it can be like to be out. Maybe being around them will give you that little extra 'push' to let go of some of your fears and start coming out to them and be tell yourself "if they can do it, I can do it." It is easier said than done but sometimes having role models or someone that has gone before us, can help us in taking an important step. As you have mentioned, you have a couple of friends who are gay, and are in a place that is accepting. Maybe start with your friends who are gay and try coming out to them. You can try pulling one of them aside, and say, "to continue the theme of the coming out week...." and take it from there. You already have a good entry point. I hope this helps a bit!
The first step is the hardest, but honestly it does get easier and easier. And in the end after you've come out you'll find that hey being gay is petty freaking awesome.
I've got the exact same problem. Only it sucks when one of the persons you're having difficulty coming out too is also someone you have a crush on... :icon_redf
I've tried to look objectively at what you've said, and it seems to me that the circumstances are very favorable for you to come out to them. You're ready, you're in a gay-friendly place, and they are generally accepting people (or gay themselves). If there's one thing I've learned from my (very limited) experiences with other "happy" gay people, it's that they are thrilled to see you finally come out because they've been there themselves. They will completely overlook the fact that you didn't do this earlier because they know what it's like, and they'll just be so happy for you. And it sounds like your straight friends are really open and accepting of gay people so they'll understand too. In their case you might want to mention that you feel bad for holding it back from them until now, but they will totally understand. I think the planets are aligned in your favor to do this!
Nobody will care that you hadn't already told them - and they won't think any less of you. Honest. What are your alternatives? You could stay in the closet forever, while surrournded by friendly and supportive friends - some of whom are gay. Does that make sense? You're entitled to go at your own pace when you come out. But it sounds like now is as good a time as any.
>>>I feel I can't say anything to my friends because I would be embarrassed that I couldn't tell them before, despite knowing them for over a year. I don't want them to think that I was unable to. The thing is - everybody who is out went through this. The timelines can vary wildly - some people can start wondering, think about it, worry about it, accept it, and come out within a week. Others take decades to even let themselves think about it. But the process is more or less the same. Never feel bad about not telling people yet. I can next-to-guarantee that they'll KNOW why you didn't tell them - because you weren't ready to tell them. Just let them know that it's taken you some time to grow comfortable with, and accepting of, your own sexuality. And now that you have, you're ready to talk about it with other people, too. Lex
Hey I don't know which uni you're at in Ontario (I'm at U of T) but it's quite likely some of your friends already know you're gay, or at least have some idea. And if they don't, well, generally gay people like finding out that other people are gay like them and accepting straight people usually like it too, because hey, it's more interesting than being straight, it really is (in my not-so-humble opinion ). I mean yeah, sure, you might get razzed for not having said anything earlier, especially to gay people, but people (still, if you can believe it) come out WAAAAAAAY later than 25, so it's not like you're some kind of huge anomaly. As for not feeling comfortable about, well uh... duh! :lol: Of course you can't feel comfortable with it if you're still HIDING it! A huge part of being comfortable with being gay comes from being able to express it (or at least not hide it) from the people you care about. I'm not saying that once you tell some people you'll magically be 120% "I *LOVE* being gay!!!" but it will, I'm guessing, help some.
I know exactly how you feel. A difficulty I felt in coming out was not that I worried about any negative reaction, but that most people didn't care about others who are gay that they'd wonder why I was making a big fuss about it. But whatever the environment, I think people realize that different people feel like coming out at slightly different times in their lives. Don't think, given your environment, that you need to come out in some sort of difficult conversation type of situation, try to find ways to drop it into conversation. And say something like, "I've wondered about myself for years, and realized now that I am gay". The first person I properly told was a lesbian friend of mine, and just by saying "I've got a crush on [boy's name]". Other than a little smile, no one who was out before me made any big deal or resented that fact, or thought any worse of me for doing so at the time that made sense to me.
Thanks everyone who commented. It's reassuring to read all your posts. As joeyconnick said I'm pretty sure people do know. They'll just pretend not to until I bring it up myself. I just hope next time I have a chance to say something I'll be able to do it.
Okay, I'm coming out at 47. :eusa_doh: Won't that be a kick when I start dating? It's never too late. It's never too early. peace,
Well, you already had some supportive stories, but it can't help to add one more... I was in exactly the same situation a bit over a year ago. I was totally convinced that I just missed the boat on coming out and that, even though they wouldn't care about me being gay, my friends would still be angry for lying to them over all those years. I was especially dreading the reaction of one of them. He came out to all of us when we were 17. All of us were very supportive, except for, ironically, me. I knew I was gay at the time, but I still was desperately clinging to the notion that it was all a phase. Having a friend come out and remind me that you could be gay, out and proud was not what I wanted at that point. So I gave him a bit of a hard time for it. Fast forward to me being 25 and still not out. I figured it out for myself, and I finally started contemplating coming out. I planned on coming out to anyone first, but not to my gay friend. I dreaded him because I thought he would be angry about how I reacted at the time, at my endless hypocrisy in lying, and at the same time, I was convinced he already knew. In fact, I was getting convinced that everyone knew, and they would laugh at me when I told them, as if I was the last one to figure it out. But then, I just blurted it out to my gay friend (not the way I planned it, but it felt great doing it), and he didn't care one bit. He was just happy for me that I got to the point of telling people. I even tried apologising for keeping it hidden for so long, but he would have none of it. And later on, he helped me in comng out to all of our other friends. Of all people I came out to, I only once got asked why I didn't tell sooner, and that was mostly out of genuine interest, and not as recrimination. I also found out that no one knew. So all the hints I saw that people wanted me to know they knew were all in my own head.... So, the lesson I took from that is that it's largely all in your head. Gay people understand because they've been there too. The fact that they were there a bit earlier doesn't matter. The most likely outcome is that they'll be happy that you decided to come out and not worry anymore. And even though the straight people don't have first-hand experience, they'll see how relieved you are and be happy for you as well. So, you can do it. It might be the tiniest moment of awkwardness, but it will all be worth it in the end!
