I'm working on coming out to my second-best friends (I'm already out to my best friend). They're a husband and wife and we've known each other for years. I'm not sure how it will go but I do want them to know about this part of me - no more false pretenses in my life. My question is about their 8 year old son Ryan. He's cute as a button, he looks up to me and I'm sort of a hero to him (which isn't hard to be to an 8 year old ) because I've known him since he was born. I get the sense that my guy friend is a little homo-paranoid because he's always bugging Ryan about not doing girly things and not wearing pink, all the stereotypical stuff, and also he makes this kid talk about his "girlfriends" and how many he's kissed already. It's a little overboard for an 8 year old so I get the sense that he does not want his kid turning out gay. So I'm not sure how my bud is going to take me coming out as gay to him but I can deal with that. But how should I approach this with respect to little Ryan? Obviously I'll only tell the parents first when I come out to them, but should I say anything about Ryan? Is that best left up to them to decide if and how I should "come out" to Ryan? Is this the parents' call or my call to make? Do you normally come out to an 8 year old? Thanks for the help, I'm still learning!
I think it's the parents' responsibility, even if you are very close to him. I don't think it sounds like it's too important to tell Ryan and he probably isn't at an age where he'll understand it anyway. Hopefully you coming out to your friend will make him think about his attitude of masculinizing his son. So good luck with them and I'm sure they'll tell Ryan when they think he'll understand it. And even if it would be good to have an LBGT rolemodel for him growing up, I still think you should leave it totally up to the parents.
It's definitely his parents' call. They need to be in on that before you would talk to Ryan. However, I'm out to my 8 year old and 6 year old daughters, and they get it. They understand that daddy has a boyfriend rather than a girlfriend. They still love me and I'm still their daddy. Nothing much else has changed, other than the fact that they know the whole me, and I'm not hiding a part of myself from them any longer. Little Ryan SHOULD learn that some people are gay, and that it's OK. But his parents need to be on board. They need to send a positive message about being gay as well as you. If they're not prepared to do that, then you'd be better to not even bring up the subject yet - because kids that age take their cues from their parents. Good luck!
I guess the corollary question is, if they ask me not to mention to him or even to say anything about it in front of him, should I respect that? Do I still stay "in the closet" with respect to him because his parents ask me to?
Well, perhaps you'd then want to ask them why. The fact is that the world is made up of all different types of people, and children should be brought up to understand and respect that. Assure them that you're not going to start into the physical aspect of gay sex. I certainly haven't. But kids understand boyfriends and girlfriends, princes and princesses, etc. So putting it in that context shouldn't be a problem - at least it wasn't for my girls. He is their son though, and they have the last word.
I definitely think you should respect that for the time-being. It's probably better to get through the first stage first and see what his parents say; they might say that they'll tell Ryan soon or that you can tell Ryan, or they might ask you not to tell him for now. So instead of speculating now, you should probably think about your options later when they're more clear.
I agree with above. I would concentrate on coming out to your friends first. After you have and things have settled, I would bring up coming out to Ryan. Since they are his parents, I would abide by their wishes. Good Luck!
I think most parents - fathers in particular - don't want their children to be gay. They would prefer their sons get married (to women), have children, and keep the family line going. Some parents see gay children as an end to that dream, others are perhaps insecure about how it reflects on themselves. Other parents are just uninformed about gay people (I think in older generations, they wouldn't have enountered them frequently, at least those who were openly gay), so it's difficult for them. In my opinion, parents decide for their children - so I definitely would't tell their son about your being gay until they decide to do so. Once they get comfortable with the idea that you are gay, they will be less apprehensive about what you say to their son. That being said, they (and the father in particular) may never be truly comfortable about you being openly gay around their son - he may feel it will influence his son's sexuality. If that's the case, then you may have to adjust your comments/behaviour when around their child. If you are close to them, and their son, then you don't want to do something to jeopardize that going into the future.
^ I know, this is really it. He's not homophobic per se - I mean he makes jokes about homosexuals but he also makes jokes about almost anything that moves... but I don't think he'll take my being gay too badly, at least I'd be surprised if he did. But I said that he's "homo-paranoid" about his son. It's not quite homophobia (he doesn't hate gays that I know of), but he has a double-standard for his son. BTW this is their only child and they pamper the heck out of him. Poor kid, he probably has 100% of his father's and his mother's dreams resting on his shoulders... I know from their actions that they don't want him to turn out gay. In fact I'm a little concerned that they may be so paranoid of him being gay that they may limit our friendship because of it, just to "protect" their son... God help this child if he ever did turn out to be gay... But then like Ben said, there's no point in hyperanalyzing things, I'm just going to come out to them and see what happens. Based on everyone's advice I'm going to let them dictate the terms on their son, and I won't even bring it up.
I'm with EM68. Come out to your friends first. It might be a bit of a wake up call to them. And they might realize that since you're a good friend and a decent person, there's nothing wrong with being gay. However, even people with a 'gay friend' can still want their kid to be straight. Still, it might put the discussion in the air and maybe your friend will come to you for advice or talk about it in this case. I wish you well.
I also agree with EM68 I say talk with the parents first...the father the way you described him may have a huge negative reaction to your coming out to them...remember this could make or break your relationship with your 2 friends....in my own opinion...i dont think their son really needs to know this about you? or does he? 8 years old is really young...I would first come out to the parents...and then so to ryan if his parents are ok with you doing so...the dad sounds too male machismo
