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Planning on coming our soon!

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by EWU2012, Mar 11, 2010.

  1. EWU2012

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    So I am a sophomore in college and lately I have been contemplating coming out to family and friends. In a week I will be going home for spring break and plan on telling my parents and sibilings but not sure how to really do it. Once I come out to them then I think I will tell friends. I want my family to know first so that they don't some how findout by word of mouth. I honestly don't think they have a clue but I have never had a girlfriend and never get into the relationship talks with them because my family just really isn't really close.
     
  2. egnvectr

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    i haven't done that so won't advise on how but, good luck!!
     
  3. EWU2012

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    Dangit! I posted this too soon and tried to add more but it ended up being too late so I couldnt update it. Now i lost all the stuff I wrote. I will rewrite it and post it in a few. :/
     
  4. EWU2012

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    Okay so the reason I want to come out over break is because right after spring break I want to run for the Diversity Outreach position on the associated student government of my college. I already know all the people that are a part of the student govt. and they all are really cool. I really want to run for this position to build up my confidence and help others but I know that in order for this to happen I really need to come out and be true to myself. I know that the timeline is really small but I just really feel like it is the right time. I am just nervous on how people will react. I know a few people will be 100% accepting because they have a lot of gay friends but it’s still hard trying to get the words out that “I’m gay”.
    I am actually thinking of telling a few people I know either tomorrow or Monday before classes are out to have their support when coming out to family and everyone else. I am just really nervous. I know they would be cool about it but I just over think things way too much. I just basically wanted to post what I am going through to relieve some stress. This is my first day as a member on EC but I have been reading coming out stories on here the past 3 days to give me hope in my coming out experience. Thanks for taking the time to read this.
     
  5. Spectre

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    First off, welcome to EC!

    I know this might silly, but try to practice by saying it in the mirror. If you say it every morning after you have your shower or something, eventually it should just become natural.

    As far as your parents and siblings... do you have any idea how they would react? Do you know which one of them would be most likely to be accepting?

    I think it might be easier for you to do it one by one... that way you won't have to answer a flood of questions or possibly deal with a whole tonne of irrational emotions all at once.
     
  6. Mirko

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    Hi there, and welcome to Empty Closets! :slight_smile:

    First off, congrats on coming out to yourself! :slight_smile:

    It sounds like that you are ready to start the coming out process. I think you already have a good entry point into the conversations. Mentioning to your friends and parents/family that you want to run for the Diversity Outreach position provides you with the backdrop to the rest of the conversation. Another important thing that you have mentioned is wanting to be true to yourself and also wanting to help others. I would certainly include these points in the conversation.

    As Spectre asked, do you know or have an idea as to how your parents might react? Maybe try thinking about what you parents might have said in the past, or as to whether they have friends who are part of the LGBT community or have friends who are part of the LGBT community. Socialization can often provide you with the clues on how your parents might react.

    I think coming out to a couple of friends before you come out to your parents/family is a good idea. Building up your support network first is a good approach. Maybe take a friend aside and take a deep breath and take it from there. You know that your friends would be supportive and accepting, which is important. Before you come out, take a deep breath and tell yourself, everything will be alright.

    We are always nervous about how friends and parents/family will react. But more often than not, your friends and parents will be supportive and accepting, and also will understand how difficult coming out can be. There is no right or wrong way to do it. It really depends on what you feel comfortable with. If you find that coming out it person is too difficult, maybe try e-mailing that friend (that's how I came out the first time).

    Similarly coming out to your parents. If you find that coming out in person might be a bit too difficult (which is totally fine) you could always write them a letter and give it to them to read. You will find a few sample coming out letters in the EC Resource section. If you want, you could also include some PFLAG materials for your parents. PFLAG has a number of resources for parents, including a booklet entitled Our Daughters and Sons: Questions and Answers for Parents of Gay, Lesbian and Bisexual People.

    I hope this helps a bit!
     
  7. EWU2012

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    I actually think all of my family members would be accepting but I also think it will be a big shock. Well at least I think that they have no clue. Reading other stories where the parents said they always knew makes me second guess whether they know or not. last year my mom talked about how her and my aunt defended a lady they went to school with on facebook when other people were saying things about her since she came out. I also think my two sisters will be cool because both of them have said that they have experienced a little before, but not sure to what extent. :icon_wink I'm not too sure how my brother will take it. I think he would be fine but never really heard him talk about gay issues.

    One of the girls I am not like really good friends with but we are on finance committee together and she has a lot of gay friends. When we were talking about what positions I would want to run for she asked if I would be interested in the Diversity Outreach position and I just said I am not too sure but thought it would be cool. We also went to the grand opening of our schools Pride Center together last friday. Well the whole asewu council went but we were hanging out the entire time. My cousins husband is also apart of the asewu and both him and my cousin are pretty liberal and open minded. They always talk about how they are for gay marriage/rights and they voted for Referendum 71 here in WA. So I know they would be cool. Its just trying to find a way to tell them. Every friday we play trivia and was thinking of telling them tomorrow but I dont think that we will play tomorrow since they have a lot of final papers to write.

    Once I come out to my family and close friends in person I am thinking of writing a letter type thing and sending it to all my other friends that live all over the state in a facebook message since I cant talk to them in person. Once I do that and if everything goes good then I would like to change my facebook info to say I am gay and interested in men but I know that would be a huge step. Right now I have it all blank.
     
  8. Mirko

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    Hi there!

    Even though it might be a surprise, it sounds like that your mum and sisters would be accepting. Yes, sometimes, parents have a bit of an adjustment period because they have dreams for their children and coming out to them will require your mum to make adjustments to these dreams. But standing up for someone on facebook is a pretty good indication that she would be accepting and supportive.

    Given that you know that your sister would be accepting and supportive as well, maybe come out to them first. In some ways it could be easier for you to come out to them first and then to your mum. Having a bit of support within the family could be helpful.

    Maybe give it some thought as to what you think a better approach would be and with what you would be comfortable.

    I think you don't have anything to fear in terms of your friends' reactions then. Talking to them individually might be a good approach. Sometimes group dynamics can make it harder because if they have questions you might find yourself having to answer a few questions all at once. In addition, talking to your friends on an individual basis allows you to control the conversation more, and also can keep their attention focused on you, which you want during your coming out to them.

    Maybe, and to feel a bit more comfortable, invite a friend to whom you want to come out, and feel you can trust, to your favourite place either in the city or on campus. Being in a familiar place and surrounding can have a calming effect on you.

    I think this sounds like a good plan. I would suggest though that you do take it slow and take it day by day. The coming out process, although this is not the case for everyone, can become overwhelming because with every coming out you are not only trying to overcome a certain level of internal homophobia, but also are making yourself vulnerable because you are sharing something very personal. By trying to look too far int the future or what still needs to be done (so to speak) could trigger the feelings of being overwhelmed, something (if possible) you want to avoid.

    Listen to your inner voice at all times and do what you feel ready for.

    Hope this helps!
     
  9. Filip

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    Hi, and first of all, welcome to EC! :slight_smile:

    What you wrote sounds like a good plan! From what you say, it sounds like they would be accepting and OK with it (though, as Mirko said, it might be a small shock at first).

    Just don't feel fored to adhere to a plan. Sometimes it's best to postpone some coming outs a few days if the moment isn't right, and sometimes the right moment appears and you just have to seize it even if you didn't plan for it.

    If you don't feel like changing your FB, then there's no worries in waiting a bit before doing that, for example. Coming out is a lifelong process, so a few days aren't going to make a difference.

    There's a lot of ways to tell it. I managed to do my first few coming-outs without ever even mentioning the word "gay". When I came out to my mother, it basically went
    Me: "Mom, you know how we sometimes talk about how I'll eventually bring home a girl?"
    Her: "Yes?"
    Me: "I just wanted you to know that I'm still planning on taking home someone. Except that it will be a guy rather than a girl"

    It sent the same message, but without me needing to force the words "I'm gay" out of my throat, which I really wasn't ready for at the time. I only became comfortable with it a few months afterwards.

    In any case, I wish you the best of luck!
     
  10. Notreallysure

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    Good luck. I am a past exec member of the student council at my school. When I ran, I was not putting myself out there like you would be, but I felt like it was the right thing to do. If you have a calling for that position, go for it and good luck! I can't advise at all on coming out. I am out to no one, so that'd be the blind leading the blind! Good luck though in everything.
     
  11. EWU2012

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    Thanks! Thats why I would like to run for that position. I know that it will put me out of my comfort zone. I still have not told anyone and the first person will probably be wednesday when I go home for break. I am thinking of telling the girl who is giving me a ride home. She is really cool and I know she will be accepting. She is also the one who I will be living with next year with two other roomates. I'm starting to get really excited, anxious, and nervous all at the same time. I hope that I follow through with the plans because it is really something I want to do. Probably going to be the hardesst thing I have ever done.
     
  12. Notreallysure

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    Good luck. You've got an exciting year ahead of you, and I'm sure that you will do great with the position if your heart is in it.
     
  13. EWU2012

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    So I finally just came out to someone on Facebook. It wasn't that hard to come out to this person because he is gay but it was weird because I barely know him. He was a year behind me in high school but moved like freshman year. I came across his profile a while back and after I added him I saw that he was gay. Today he posted a status on some family issues so I decided to send him a message saying he shouldn't have to go through any of it. While writing this I just out of he blue decided to come out and ask how his family first took him coming out. I couldn't believe I actually came out to someone after I sent it. I know that its not the same as coming out to a close friend or family but it felt good. My main goal was just to experience coming out so that it will be easier with the harder people. It felt so good after I sent the message. I am now really looking forward to coming out to my friends and family this next week.
     
  14. Mirko

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    Hi there! Congratulations on coming out to your friend on FB. :slight_smile:
    The first ones are always the toughest ones, but it will get easier. Well done!

    I would still take it slow though and take it one person at a time and built up support. Maybe try coming out to a friend (in person) next week and see how that goes. Coming out in person can have quite a different feel than coming out to a friend online. You have had only one experience, although it seemed to have gone well, it might not be a good indicator as to how you might feel when coming out in person as you will be making yourself a lot more vulnerable.

    I think it would be good if you would experience different ways of coming out, before coming out to the people who you know might be harder to come out to. It is important that you have a support network in place on which you can rely on and draw support from in case you need it after your have come out to the 'harder' people.