So, a few months ago I was in a short but intense relationship with someone I'd been friends with for about a year. He was my first anything, and I was the first guy he'd been with (he'd had a number of girlfriends before. Dunno where he falls on the sexual orientation spectrum). I'm not entirely sure if he thought of me as a boyfriend, but I absolutely thought of him as one. After a few weeks he dumped me, I was crushed and shocked, and we tried to be friends for several weeks afterward and--on my end at least--it really wasn't working. I was either still hoping too hard to get him back, or simply going through the motions while feeling angry, hurt, and (once he got a new boyfriend) jealous. I finally realized it wasn't working, and cut him out of my life. This was a few months ago. Since then, on the advice of one of our mutual friends, I decided to approach him to seek closure on what happened and to see if we might be able to become friends again (not sure if I want to or not, just now). Based on both how he acts around me and what he's said since I asked for the talk, I'm almost positive he wants to be my friend, and he's agreed to talk (and apparently told our mutual friend that he wished I'd approach him several times). In any case, while I do want closure and a better understanding of what happened, I'm also worried. I don't want to get into a fight, I don't want to fall for him again (currently I'm too angry to like him, but I'm worried that if the anger goes away, I might), and I want the talk to actually be beneficial for both of us. Even if we aren't going to be friends, I don't want to feel uncomfortable or angry every time he's around. And it would be nice to be his friend again if that's possible. So, any advice? We'll probably do it online so that emotions and can't get too out-of-hand. I have a list of stuff I want to say (mainly questions about what happened and apologies for some of the things I've done and said since he broke up with me, and there's some stuff that I'll only bring up if I decide I do want to try for friendship).
I think that having the talk is a good idea. That anger that you're carrying around isn't good for you, as I'm sure you know. Definitely be honest about what you felt. You'll have to decide if you want to be friends with him again, based on two things you already mentioned: whether or not you still feel angry and whether or not you think you can be friends without falling for him. I'm inclined to say that it'll be difficult (with regard to the latter) and so maybe it's not such a good idea, but you'll have a clearer picture of all that once you talk to him. If you don't think you can be friends without falling for him, then don't. That said, though, I have to wonder if doing it online is really the best thing. While emotions can be kept somewhat in check, they can also be badly misinterpreted over the Internet. After all, a lot of communication is said to be in body language and tone, two things that are missing online. At any rate, stay calm and try not to be accusatory when you talk to him. Remember that having this conversation won't make all the problems go away, but it's a good first step. Good luck!
Well I think talking to him, at least to answer your questions seems to me a good idea. It would be great if you could let your anger go, it's not an healthy feeling to keep. If you think you'll be more comfortable talking with him online it's fine, but I think seing him "for real" could be a good idea too. There is a lot of communication signs (such as body language, or voice intonations) that online talking couldn't replace. If you want to avoid a fight, I suggest you to try to express your feelings from you point of you. Say things like "I was very sad and angry when you broke up with me." and not "You made me miserable". Express how you feel without accusing him of being responsible for these feelings. And maybe you can warn him at the beginning that you're scared to have a fight with him, that you don't want that to happen but that you're still hurt and not sure how you'll react to what he is going to say. It will enable them to be more careful in what he will say. Now talking to him doesn't mean you're ready to be friend with him again, and you shouldn't put to much pressure on your shoulders about it. If after talking to him you think that being friends again will still be hurtful for you, be honest with him. You can tell him something among the lines " You have been very important for me and I am not sure I am ready yet to see you only as a friend. I'll let you know when I'll feel ready." I hope this helps a little, take care
Thanks for the advice. This isn't going to be easy, but I think it can be successful. I think I will stick to online, though. It's likely that in-person I'll either break down in tears or start shouting (may happen even online, but that way he can't see). We've talked online enough to be able to read each other pretty well. Any other advice would still be cool, of course. I've never had a talk like this (or it's equivalent with a former friend).
