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done with it

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by confused102188, Mar 14, 2010.

  1. confused102188

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    Ok so I'm sitting here watching the movie Were the world mine... Best movie EVER btw. anyway I'm still completely in the closet at the age of 21 and i keep asking myself "When will i work up the balls to come out". I'm starting to worry that I will be 95 years old thinkin WHY DIDN'T I COME OUT WHEN I WAS YOUNGER!!! I really want to tell everyone but i just can't and wy mind keeps on piling up reasons why i shouldn't do it. It' driving me insane! HELP Did this happen to alot of people... Tell me it's not just me!
     
  2. Mirko

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    Hi there! First off, don't be too hard on yourself. Coming out is hard and it takes the right moment for it to happen. If it is any help, I was in the closet up until 2 years ago (points to the age on the right side). It doesn't matter when at what stage in your life you are coming out. What matters is that you feel comfortable with yourself and ready to start the coming out process. It is completely normal to feel this way and to think more about all the reasons not to come out.

    Maybe what would help is if you think about all the reason as to why you want to come out, rather than thinking about the reasons not to come out. Maybe ask yourself, 'why do I want to come out to my friend, or to my family?' Find the reasons why you want to come out, and once you have them concentrate on those and use them to build up the courage to start the coming out process.

    Sometimes, thinking about all the reasons why we should not come out, are in response to fears and also to the internal homophobia that has built up over time. It will take a bit of time to overcome them, but it is possible, and you will overcome these fears.

    While you think about the reasons as to why you want to come out, also think about to whom you would like to come out first. That could help you in figuring out some of the reasons for coming out. If it is a good friend for example, one of the reasons could be the want of being more open about yourself with that friend, or being able to talk about things without having the feeling of hiding.

    Hope this helps a bit! (*hug*)
     
  3. confused102188

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    thank you so much Mirko!!
     
  4. egnvectr

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    Yes! it's definitely not just you. I'm exactly the same.
    I'm not out (except to around 2 people but they don't count because i hardly know them). I wish everyone knew though but just haven't been able to do it.

    But you know, if this is the way you're feeling now, it means it's something you really want to do. So it'll happen soon, not when you're 95!
     
  5. EWU2012

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    I'm also feeling the same way, so no it is not just you that feels this way. There has been a couple times these past few days where I really wanted to come out to a couple friends but I just could not do it. I also start to think about all the negatives and none of the positives from the situation. In my own opinion coming out earlier in life will be easier because as you get older you build up more lies and people may take it harder. That's what is pushing me to want to come out because I absolutely hate lieing to others. I just don't think about any of this when I am around them. Anyways I hope that you can find the courage to finally come out and be your true self soon rather then at 95. lol
     
  6. Mogget

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    The first few are hard. It helps if people ask or if the conversation flows in the direction of orientation or relationships, in my experience. It's just easier with an opening, but that can be hard to get. But, I promise, it gets easier over time. But never super-easy. I consider myself completely out and there's still plenty of people who don't know because it just hasn't come up. If I weren't single I'd have more opportunities, but I'm not so...yeah.
     
  7. someguy82

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    I really struggled with this as well. I don't know if it's any consolation these feelings got the worst right before I finally bit the bullet and came out. It's not an easy or quick process for everyone, hell I was 26 (five years older than you by the way) when I finally did it. You'll get there, and when you do we'll all be here to congratulate you on finally taking that leap.
     
  8. paco

    paco Guest

    it's not just you. starting to come out is the one of the hardest things any of us ever has to do. and it's much more difficult than anything most straight people ever have to deal with.

    it sounds to me that you may be close to coming out even if you don't realize it yet. there's a sort of balancing act that we all do, on one side there's the safety and security of being in the closet, on the other side there's the frustration of it all and the dawning realization that sitting in the closet feels a bit like sitting on a chair full of needles. at first the safety of being in the closet is just so comforting, but in time you just become more and more frustrated about it until the scale finally tips and you just have to come out. so the more frustrated you are, the closer you are to coming out.

    in my experience, i was as low and depressed as i could get, and all of a sudden i wanted people to know. this is precisely where i got the idea for my siggy. everything in due time, although if you decide to come out a little before the worst part of your life, you may save yourself some trouble.
     
  9. Sylver

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    If it's any consolation, I didn't start coming out until I was 94!! (jk :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:, but I waited/stalled a lot longer than you...)

    Having been on both sides of the equation recently (I came out to the first person just over a year ago and I didn't really make "progress" until this year) I can totally understand where you are, but I wish so strongly that I could convince you to do this sooner rather than later. I would never encourage someone to do something they're not ready for, but my own case has taught me that you may never actually be ready to do this until it's waaaaaay too late. If I can save someone from waiting as long as I did for the freedom that I now enjoy, I think it's my obligation to do so.

    I know one thing for sure - it is 100% impossible to convey to someone on your side of the fence just how good it is on this side of the fence when you finally get here, despite the torture of the coming out process itself. I have done public speaking in front of hundreds of people where I was ready to puke my guts out before I spoke, but I was 100 times more nervous coming out my first and second time. I honestly thought I was going to die on the spot, and I almost would have preferred if that had happened.

    But.... once it's over with, you can actually move forward and start to build a new life around the real you. I wouldn't say it was immediately magical as soon as I came out - in fact I had deluded myself a little and a few months later I took one huge step backwards when I realized that I didn't really come out in the true meaning of the word. So before you come out to others make sure you are 100% out to yourself and that you can say "I'm gay" and really be comfortable with what that means. It will make coming out to others so much easier because you really are saying to them "Hey, this is me!".

    So no, you're not alone. In fact I'd say you're in the majority - I often wonder how many people there are out there in the big ol' world who are truly gay but have never told anyone and probably never will, because they never get over that initial hump. Despite the holy terror of coming out, I consider myself very fortunate to have finally done it, or I would have hit 95 without anyone ever knowing the truth (myself included).

    It's the lesser of two evils - go through the frightening experience of coming out to the first couple of people (after which it gets easier) and then begin building a life around the real you, or keep repressing it and just rot away inside very, very slowly, until it really is too late for any redemption at all. The only difference is that with the former option, you can actually get to a place of incredible happiness and freedom once it's done. You'll never get that if you keep suppressing who you are.

    One important thing, if at all possible make your first coming out a safe one, to someone you know will react positively and who can be your "anchor" for future coming-outs. You really don't want the first one going bad or you might use it as an excuse to head right back into the closet and lock the door behind you. Plus there is a huge advantage in having someone else you can talk about this with, someone who will listen without being judgmental. Do an inventory of the people in your life and see who might be a good candidate. If you know of any gay or lesbian people, that would be a great place to start.

    So I'm going to encourage you to start the process as soon as you are ready. Don't let weak excuses get in the way of a lifetime of happiness with this out of the way. Good luck!! :thumbsup:
     
  10. Geradeth

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    I read if a book somewhere that as society slowly becomes more accepting of homosexuality more and more people are coming out at younger and younger ages, and as more people come out at younger and younger ages society continues towards a more accepting attitude, like some kind of societal feedback loop of sorts. But just because people are starting to come out much earlier doesn't mean you have to also!

    Though I agree that you have more to gain than lose by coming out sooner rather than later, that doesn't mean rushing ahead and coming out before you're ready. I'm a year older and am only just now getting ready to come out to my parents.

    Once you know you're ready, that's when you'll have worked up the balls to come out:icon_wink It doesn't matter whether it's next week or three years from now, whenever it is is when you'll be ready and no one can say you waited too long or try to pressure you into coming out before you're ready!

    (At least that's my opinion, hope I didn't steal/overlap anyone else's ideas too much, and that it was helpful...)