I'm not out to anyone, and recently I came out to myself. It took a little while to come to the realization and decision to be honest with myself. I do not know when I will come out, but I have a friend that I would like to come out to, but here is the situation: My best friend in high school (currently a college senior) came out during the end of our senior year. He did not tell me and I found out through word of mouth and rumors. I finally called him and asked him if the rumors were true. When he finally told me, I was mad. I was angry that as best friends he did not tell me. His response was that in an off hand comment at some random point I had a made a homophobic remark and he did not want to tell me. I might have; I'll be the first to admit this, it was probably self-denial. Either way, we drifted apart and since then have made peace with the situation. I have apologized to him countless times since then for making him feel uncomfortable enough not to trust me, and he tells me that he understands that I was angry and ignorant to the situation. I have not talked to him in close to a year since he changed colleges, but even though I wouldn't consider him my best friend or even us as great friends anymore, I want to come out to him first. Even before family members. I think it is because I feel like I can trust him more. He comes from a gay friendly family (members are openly gay) and had that support all along from relatives in his own coming out process. I do not have that at all with my own family. I don't know what to do. I feel like if I tell him then there will be no turning back. It has been so soon (not really, a few months in reality) since I admitted my sexuality to myself. I feel like I'm jumping into it too fast. But I would like advice about what to do about my friend. Should I approach him about this?
Talk to your friend, he'll understand, and it will probably make your friendship even closer than before. Coming out to a out gay friend (especially one who you've been close to for a long time) is a great way to get advice and support during a difficult process, and can help you get the courage for the more difficult people in your life to come out to.
You are in control. Take the time that you need for this process. I'm with you concerning family. I came out initially to people I knew would be supportive. That has really helped coming out to feel normal. And yes, after I came out to the first few people, I did have moments of panic and wondered if I could "take it back." EC was instrumental in getting me through those moments. Now, 7 weeks into this journey, all of this is beginning to feel like a natural part of who I am. Only you can decide when it is right to take the leap. But the anxieties you feel are perfectly normal. Peace,
Hi there! First off congrats on coming out to yourself! Reading through your post, it seems that your friend, despite the fact that you say that you are no longer best friends, still has that place when you really think about it. Coming out to him, and him being the first person to whom you would come out to, not only shows how much trust you have in him, but also the significance that your past 'relationship' with him has for you. Coming out to him, you would essentially provide him with the context to what happened. Your remarks to him might have been a reflection of your own internal homophobia, trying to understand yourself better, combined with fears of changes or the loss of support of friends and/or family. Wanting to come out to him, I wonder if there is a part of you that might want to re-establish the friendship that it once was. Beyond trusting him, being more open about yourself, and wanting to start the coming out process, something else might be moving towards wanting to come out to him first. Maybe it is still trying to re-write the past and being able to tell him "I'm sorry, I didn't tell you something about myself while we were together either, because I wasn't ready to tell anyone." Something to think about. I think it really depends on how you feel about coming out to him or starting the coming out process. If you feel ready and you can look at yourself in a mirror and say out loud "today I want to come out to my friend" and feel good, then I'd say you are ready to take that step. Before you approach him, ask yourself "why do I want to come out to him?" "What do I want to achieve with it?" Once you have the answers to these questions, ask yourself while looking at yourself in a mirror "Am I ready to take that step?" If it is yes, then say out loud "Today I will come out to my friend!" and see how you feel. If everything feels right, go for it!
this sounds like a very confusing time for you. i've always been very thankful that i was lucky enough to figure out my sexuality before i really knew much about it. but it sounds like you need to know that there's nothing wrong with you. and the words "choice" and "decision" are misused far too much in my opinion. i'm just mentioning this because you've had time to develop preconceived notions and that makes it very difficult to accept changes. it's very easy to become homophobic in order to fit in, and it can be hard to break the habit. anyway, i think it would be a good idea to tell your friend that you're questioning your own sexuality now. you can tell him that you're still confused about it, and he may want to help because he probably knows how hard it is to admit this to anyone, including yourself. if that's not the case, you've got us. many of us have been there, or seen it so we know how much better talking makes things.
I think your friend will understand. He went through the process of the first coming-out at one point as well, and knows how it feels to be closeted. And the thing is, once you do tell him, you're right, there is no turning back. Someone knows, and there is a possibility that they might tell someone else (although I think most people respect the delicateness of the situation, especially an LGBT person). In my experience, I kind of snowballed after my first coming out, and once one person knew it was so much easier to tell other people. I did tell my family last however, because I can trust my friends so much more, and it was more important that they knew. I wanted a safety net before I told my family, in case things got ugly (and I usually recommend this to others coming out). If you have a Person, you would probably find it easiest to tell them first. It may be that this kid is your Person, as I certainly don't see my person too often. (a Person is the person you can trust with anything and everything by the way. maybe not your best friend, but always there for you when you need it, and they will never betray your trust. I think most people have at least one person they go to in times of need, but I may be wrong.) You can trust your Person, and know that they'll be behind you the entire way.
I want to say to you do it, do it, do it!! First of all there's nothing safer than coming out to a gay friend - it's the ideal place to start your coming out process. Not only will he understand, but he'll also totally understand when you explain why your earlier comments may have been reflective of internalize homophobia, and it will probably bring him relief too and take your friendship to a new level. This can almost have no bad consequences. As for the part of never being able to turn back, brother I have been there and done that for many more years than you. I don't know where I found it in me to finally do it, but that was the precise reason I held back for years. Can you believe it, I was worried that if there was even the slightest chance that it was all some big misunderstanding and I came out, that I'd never be able to wind back the clock. Of course now I can see it for what it really is - just a stalling tactic and nothing else. When I was able to look past my fears and biases it was pretty bloody obvious that I was gay. Gay, I say! Yes, there will be no turning back. But once you start getting comfortable with the true you and you stop all of the lying to the world and to yourself, you'll never want to go back. The road to being a happier and even healthier person is down the path of coming out, not the path of continued repression. Take it in baby steps. You have a wonderful opportunity to "test" your coming out on a very safe person. Go for it, then stop for a while and let it settle in. After you've come out to him, if he's willing, open up to him and share what it's been like for you. He'll probably know where you're coming from and be quite helpful. Just the act of talking it through with another person is going to be wildly relieving for you. Then you can start gaining a foothold on the idea of being gay to the rest of the world and plan your strategy from there forward, and of course at your own pace. I'd never push anyone into doing anything they're not ready for, but having "seen the other side", I can assure you it's a hell of a lot better than where you are right now. Good luck!!!
Telling him does sound lie a good idea. Basically, it’s a win-win situation. You’re coming out to someone who understands and who you can be sure will be supportive. And he’ll get some context of what happened. Maybe you’ll even get a bit closer together because of this. You know, your story mirrors my own experience. When we were 17, one of my friends came out to me and my other friends. Everyone was extremely supportive. Everyone except one, and I think you can guess who that one was… I’m not proud of how I reacted, but basically, my reaction can’t be described as anything else but homophobic. I hated him, because I felt that he got to be gay and out, while I knew I could never go that path (I didn’t have a reason why. I just felt like it was a fact of life, for some reason). In the end we salvaged the friendship, but it wasn’t a pleasant few months after he came out. And yet, 8 years later, he was the first person I came out to. I dreaded his response more than anything, but he ended up completely supportive and understanding. It did feel like setting my past mistake right. And after that I felt way more confident to come out to other friends. So I think that if your situation is anything like mine, going through with it sounds like the way to go. As for whether the time is right: there isn’t a fixed timeframe, really. If you came out to yourself, and feel like you want to tell him, then I think the right time is now. Whenever you do it, there’s bound to be some anxiety. But once you get past that, and told your first person, it all gets better rather quickly!
