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My coming out plan, critiques welcome

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Geradeth, Mar 14, 2010.

  1. Geradeth

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    Ok, as I mentioned in my introduction thread, I've already started formulating a coming out to my parents plan. I'd gladly welcome any feedback/constructive criticism/suggestions anyone has to offer!
    Also, a warning: I tend to ramble at length so I'll understand if I don't get many replies, but thanks in advance if you do manage to finish it!

    First, the current situation: my coming out to myself story

    I think I've known that I'm gay since I started high school, but had never admitted it to myself until recently. I clearly remember asking myself why I wasn't interested in girls like my other friends were. I'd think to myself "dude, am I gay?" or something, but then immediately shrug it off, I just never dealt with it. I guess I likened it to something like a burglary or natural disaster, something that happens to other people, not boring old me. And despite my male atypical behaviours (no girlfriend, no interest in sports, etc...) and my own constant questioning of myself, no one else ever questioned if I was (you'd never know I was gay till I told you, I have zero stereotypical characteristics) so I used that as an excuse to continue ignoring it.

    This continued well into University, until a few months ago. I was in the library and happened to stumble upon the section with all the books on sexuality (completely unintentionally, I swear!), and a couple of titles caught my eye. I looked up and down the aisle, not a soul was around. "not like anyone knows me anyways" I think to myself, and started pulling books down to look at them.

    I ended up signing out several books and read them in between classes. So many things paralleled my life; how I felt about others and myself, my behaviours and preferences, etc.... I don't think the books told me much I didn't already know, I think it was just the act of reading them that pushed myself to finally stop ignoring it. It took a about a month or two since reading those books (plus all those years I, in retrospect, did actually know) to become comfortable with the truth, but I did, and after some google-ing here I am at EC.

    Coming out plan
    So, I've been mulling the plan over in my mind for a few weeks now, and I'd like to put it out there to see what people think and see if anyone has any advice/tips/etc...

    My mother and I are very close; we go for long walks together to talk and get exercise, we like the same books and tv shows, we even edit each other's essays (she's currently in the masters of education program at my university part time in addition to her full time job). I'm usually really honest with her and value her friendship, and so would like to come out to her first.
    The plan is to wait a couple months till I'm done this semesters final exams and she has a break in between her classes and starting her thesis (it's the only time I can see her the least busy in the near future, and I'd rather not dump my gayness on her when she's got other things to worry about). On a (preferably) sunny day, when neither of us have any pressing responsibilities and I've worked up the courage, I'll ask her to go for one of our walks. We'll have plenty of time to talk about it as we don't usually follow a set route and we can meander as long as we need to. I've also been preparing by thinking of as many questions as I can fathom she might ask and their answers, I've got the titles of the books I read memorized if she wants to check them out and I've got the contact information for my local PFLAG written down.... somewhere....*looks around to try and find it*

    The plan to tell my dad is less developed; all it is really is hoping to gain support from mom and develop a plan together.
    I kind of wish I could practice a bit first on friends but have yet to make any local friends (a product of my chronic shyness I'm afraid) and my sister, who's more friend than sibling really, cannot keep a secret if her life depended on it.

    Though my family is quite close usually, I'm still quite anxious and uncertain what their reactions might be as both my parents are hard to read on the subject. My dad has made derogatory remarks about 'fairies' and 'fags' at the dinner table in the past, and when watching tv with my mom and sister if anything gay ever happens (two guys kissing for example) they both physically shudder and utter 'gross' or 'yuck' or something. Yet just last week my mom got a hair cut from a very obviously gay guy and both mom and dad were joking affectionately (at lease, I think it was) about mums new 'fag-hag' status. It's really hard to tell which way either of them lean. *growls softly* (frustrating....)

    Anyways, provided anyone has actually managed survived to the end of my ramblings I'd greatly appreciate any feedback, comments, suggestions, advice, encouragement, random musings, etc anyone would be willing to provide!!

    Thank you for your time!
     
  2. Breakdown

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    well i think if ur close 2 ur mum tell her first if she takes it well, or over time gets use 2 the idea of her son being gay ask her 2 help u tell ur dad about it.

    im really nt sure coz i havnt told my parents yet, bt i think u should tel ur mum first, since u2 have a great bond
     
  3. EWU2012

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    Well I can't really give you any advice since I am in the same boat as you(I'm not out to anyone), but to me that sounds like a good plan although I wouldn't try to plan every step of the coming out. I think that once you tell your mom just go with the flow. I am thinking of coming out to my family and friends this next week and was going crazy trying to figure out how to do it. I now have come to realize that the more I tried to plan it out the more I was going crazy. I do like the idea of you telling her on the walk because it seems like that will be more relaxing and in your comfort zone. Just dont stress on the fine details. With that said good luck when you finally decide to come out.
     
  4. paco

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    don't worry too much about your mom. it may be that she doesnt like seeing two guys kissing, as many straight people don't because it's so abnormal for them, but it doesnt sound like she has an actual issue with gays. also, mom's have this way of surprising you, my mom knew years before i told her, but she wasn't sure i knew so she didn't say anything. not saying your mom knows, but she may not take it as hard as you're imagining she will.

    it sounds like a pretty good plan to me, i tend to like the plans that involve talking to them about it face to face, but you may not want to plan it out in too much detail or else it's easy to make excuses like, "oh the weather wasn't quite right," or "oh, my legs are sore i don't feel like walking."

    the first person is the hardest step to make, and after that it gets easier. so just don't stress too much and focus on the freedom you'll feel once you can be honest with the people that are close to you.
     
  5. Mirko

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    Hi there!

    First off, congrats on accepting yourself for who you are! That's already a huge step, and it is defiantly something to be proud of. Well done! :slight_smile:

    I think it was and is really good that you educated yourself about your sexual orientation and what it means to go through the questioning of your sexual identity. Even though you already knew most of the answers reading the books and perhaps trying to gain a deeper understanding has perhaps allowed you to become stronger and also more prepared for the coming out process.

    I think your plan on coming out to your mum sounds good. From what you have said, it seems that your mum would be understanding and supportive. Coming out to her during a time when you feel ready and everyone has a bit of free time or is less stressed because some of the commitments that one currently has, have been fulfilled is a good approach. It sounds like that you are ready or at least getting close to the point where you will be able to come out to your mum. Waiting a little bit longer and/or waiting for the right opportunity seems to be good at this point.

    Once you have come out to your mum, talk with her about your plan to come out to your dad. Even though your dad has made homophobic remarks in the past, sometimes, when parents are faced with the fact that one of their children is LGBT, their views change and try to educate themselves about what it means to be LGBT. Remember that you are the best person to educate your parents. Sometimes, a bit of education can go along way.

    In the meantime, maybe you could try joining a LGBT group on campus or in the community. You have mentioned you have found some contact info for PFLAG. Maybe try finding out if there is a PFLAG group/chapter in your area and perhaps trying joining them as well. This would also present you with greater opportunities to get to know some people and perhaps make some good friends along the way.

    Sometimes, by being part of a group, or being able to relate to others and talk to others about once experiences can not only help in seeing the way forward or confirming ones plans, but it can also help with feeling less shy. Being able to make connections with, - and being able to relate to others, could help you in opening up as well. Yes, it will take some time, but as you become more comfortable talking with others and realizing that there is nothing wrong with opening up to others, and find some common ground on which to build conversations, some of your shyness might actually subside.

    I hope this helps a bit!
     
  6. Spectre

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    Hi there! (*hug*)

    I had quite a similar experience in my own process. For years and years I knew I was gay, but I'd always find some way to put it to the back of my mind. I'd always find some other issue to deal with, or thing to do, in order to push it back there. I didn't want to deal with it, and so I didn't. It was only until recently that I did infact start dealing with all of the emotions and thoughts that have built up over the years, and it feels great.

    The first person I came out to was also my mom. It wasn't under the best of circumstances (I was in a very stressful period), but it turned out okay. The plan you have for coming out to your mother seems really quite appropriate - something I would do if I had to do it over again. While I think you shouldn't feel the need to wait for the best moment with people like your sister or friends, I also think it is a different situation with your mom. It's just a different kind of connection, and the news can be unsettling if she isn't prepared for it. She might try to deny it completely, or brush it off. She might get angry at you, herself, or others. She might think it's all her fault. She might worry about what her son being gay actually means for his life. She can go through a lot of emotions all at once, so finding a time when she will be most receptive to the news is a good idea (ie, after her exams and your exams are over). This allows you both to focus on finishing the semester off without any distractions.

    From the sounds of it, though, your mother is an intelligent person. Mine is aswell. I didn't really think as to how she might react before telling her because I knew that, as an intelligent person, she would know that it wasn't my choice and it isn't her fault. Of course, she did have some misconceptions about the gay lifestyle, and thought that it meant promiscuity. :lol: You just have to be there to educate her on those misconceptions and that being gay - or straight - has very little impact on what kind of lifestyle YOU choose for yourself.

    I'm not sure what your major is in school, but if it's english or the humanities, perhaps you could find a way to gauge their reactions by saying "today in class we were talking about [insert gay issue here], but I didn't really know where I stood on it, what do you think about it mom/dad?" One issue that comes to mind is the whole debacle over LGBT information in the immigrant's guide - or the mainstay - gay marriage in the states.

    Anyways, I feel that you have a good plan of attack, and have really thought things through. I have no doubt that when the moment arises, you'll be able to handle all of the possible reactions appropriately. Although, fair warning, there *might* be some tears involved. :icon_wink

    And always remember that even though we only met you just yesterday, we're here to support you through this process. (*hug*)

    PS: Mirko always snipes me, but his suggestions are good, too.
     
    #6 Spectre, Mar 15, 2010
    Last edited: Mar 15, 2010
  7. Sylver

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    Let me start off by welcoming you to EC, since I missed you on the original thread!

    I think you have an excellent plan! Seriously, it's very well thought out. You pass my first prerequisite with flying colors, that you are quite comfortable with your own sexuality before you start introducing it to others. Have you stood in front of a mirror or wandered off into the woods and actually said "I'm gay" out loud a few times, just to see what it felt like? You'll need to be able to say this with some degree of comfort out loud if you're coming out to others - I know it sounds silly, but if you've never said it before it can sometimes feel awkward.

    Then like Mirko says, if as you suspect your mom is OK with it, then let her be the start of your "support network" going forward. To that end I'd suggest not pushing further coming-outs until you've let your fist experience settle and you know that your mom is going to be a part of your next steps. I've seen a few people get all caught up in the whole coming out thing and then one goes poorly and they suffer a big setback. There's no rush, so take them one at a time and give each of them the careful thought you've given your first coming out!

    Best of luck and congratulations on taking this big step!! :thumbsup:
     
  8. Geradeth

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    Oh my, look at all this great feedback already!! Thanks so much everyone!(*hug*)
    Lets see, where to start....
    Ha ha, I wasn't expecting anyone to say I'd planned too much!:lol: I totally see where you're coming from though, I can definitely see myself putting it off if everything weren't perfect, and then it'd never get done!
    Ya, you may be right, I might just be reading too much into it. I know very well that I take things too personally sometimes.
    Ya, my dad is the one whom I'm most worried about. I don't think there's any real risk of rejection or anything, it's just that he will be the hardest to tell, and thus the one to dread the most...

    As for my old nemesis of coming out of my shell to meet people.... I've been working on that for the better part of a decade. I like the idea that most everyone going to such groups would instantly have lots in common (being gay, being accepting of others for being gay, the want to support each other, etc...), the problem comes from there not actually being really much of anything in my town (though I won't discount the fact I might be making excuses and not looking hard enough). I did however e-mail the contact of my campus's pride group (currently inactive due to lack of members) to ask if there's any chance it might be started up again. I guess I'll say that that is an ongoing process currently....:icon_wink
    It does feel sooo much better to finally admit it to myself!! I never thought it would (hence the procrastination) but it does... go figure...

    Though I like to think I've prepared a bit for a multitude of different reactions, I honestly cannot say how well I'll be able to cope if she reacts negatively... I know its unfair to expect instant acceptance or zero negativity or anything, but still.... And it's not for my sake so much as I've never EVER wanted to hurt her my entire life and this just might, even if only a little, and I'm just dreading that! I just keep telling myself that I'm not being selfish in wanting to tell her, she deserves to know the truth....

    On a lighter note though, ya I can totally see my mom beleiving that gay=promiscuous too!!:lol: Explaining that one will be more awkward than sad I think.... (my family doesn't really even talk about straight sex, let alone the gay stuff... my sex-ed came from school and the internet, probably not the best sources I'm afraid:lol:slight_smile:

    No, aww, you had to remind me there might be tears involved!:lol: Well thanks for reminding me to remember to bring plenty of tissues on the walk with me!!:icon_wink And thanks for the encouragement!!!(*hug*)
    Oh, there we go, maybe I'm not over prepared after all:lol:
    I hadn't actually thought of that (the mirror thing), let me go try.... ....hmmm I don't think it felt awkward or silly, in fact it felt pretty good to reassure myself!

    Excellent idea not rushing ahead right away. If my mom is supportive I'd always liked the idea of her helping me with the plan to tell my dad, and if she's supportive enough to do that, I don't think she'd have much of a problem keeping it secret for a short time while we both let it sink in. Great advice!


    Great advice EVERYONE!! (I do hope I didn't miss anyone... *checks*) You're all my heroes!!(*hug*) Thank you so much!!
     
  9. Mirko

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    Hi there! Glad that you have tried to contact your campus group. Awesome! :slight_smile: Hopefully they'll get back to you with some information.

    I guess another option would be (and I don't how you feel about it) to ask one of them if they would mind meeting with you on campus outside of the meeting office. It might be a bit daunting at first but the same commonalities would still be in place. A good way to set that up, would perhaps be to ask a person if it would be possible to have someone to talk to about coming out experiences. That would be a good way into a conversation and perhaps the start or getting to know someone down the road. Having a support network on which you can rely on and draw strengths from is good to have.

    As it was mentioned, take your time in coming out to others. Take the path that you feel most comfortable with.

    Yep, the idea of the (lets call it the) 'mirror routine' is to reassure yourself. Looking at yourself and being able to tell yourself that this is what you feel and want to do and feel good about it can be an important sign that you feel ready to move forward. Glad that you felt good and have a bit of reassurance. (*hug*)
     
  10. Spectre

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    From the sounds of how close you and your mother are, I would say the probability is low. But it's important to consider all reactions, which is why I pointed them out. Just know that if on the off-chance she comes off negatively at first, the likelihood of it persisting would be zero.

    There's always a risk in anything you will do, but the rewards can be far far greater. In my own circumstance, I finally had someone who knew (you're a step ahead of me because I didn't even have EC), and believe me that relieves a lot of pressure.

    Not necessarily awkward. If she's worried that being gay means a life of promiscuity, then you can merely point out to her that you don't intend to sleep with every gay guy you see; you can be promiscuous whether you're straight or you're gay, but it all boils down to the person, not the sexual orientation. Saying something like that is pretty simple and painless without going into any kind of embarrassing detail.

    (*hug*)
     
  11. Notreallysure

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    I think that by admitting it you've come a long way. I've just gotten through the admitting it stage. Like you, I had similar feelings and lack thereof, but I'm not the stereotype. I think when you are like that, it makes it a little harder to come to terms with reality. You have obviously made that step though, so congrats. I like the idea for your mom on the walk. It seems like it'd be natural. Good luck.
     
  12. Geradeth

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    I was e-mailed back this morning; apparently (and unfortunately) my campus group has been inactive for 3 or more years! That's kinda lame...:icon_sad:

    He did send me the link to a website of other groups for my town, but who knows how dead they are too... Thanks for the encouragement though, I'll keep trying....
    Ah, the old risk-return tradeoff... You're absolutely right though; nothing ventured, nothing gained!! I should stop being so overly pessimistic; the payoff will be worth it!!
    And you're right about that too; when pondering what kinds of things I'd like to tell her I've always wanted to stress that I'm not a different person now, I've not been hiding a different person all along and it's not like I'm going to change once she knows (well, except for being a happier, more whole person that is). I'm worried that it'll be a little harder to get this point across due to one of my (gay) cousins bringing home a new guy every night and as a result not having very high approval amongst my family. As others have said though, maybe being a positive role model myself will help change their opinions...
    Agreed; in retrospect I feel like I've known forever and am left wondering why I never dealt with it sooner! It makes sense though that those of us who don't fit the stereotype would take the extra time to clear up the extra layer of confusion and make sure.


    Thanks again everyone, as always you're advice/encouragement is brilliant, I don't know where I'd be without you!!:icon_bigg