That until one has "sexual" experiences, only than they can truly be comfortable with who the are as a gay/lesbian individual? I bring this up because of a discussion I had with a friend back home that brought this up because I am still a virgin at 26 and doesn't think I can truly be comfortable or know who I am as a gay man because I have not had sex with another man.
I suppose it might be a combination. But generally, the process works in reverse. As we grow and become more integrated on the inside, we are able to more fully participate in the outward. Moving too far in the other direction, we are using experiences to mask internal pain & strugge. But then what do I know. I'm 47 and have yet to be with a man.
^ I agree. As we become more accepting of ourselves mentally we feel more ready to move to the stages of physically doing what we like.
Bull$@&%. It would be nice, but certainly is not necessary. And besides, how could I ever be with a guy if I wasn't comfortable with who I am?
Hmm. I can only speak from a personal experience, and even then I haven't gone that far with another woman, buuut... I do think it's entirely possible to be comfortable with yourself as gay/bisexual before you have any same-sex experiences. I was comfortable and out before I had so much as kissed another girl. I knew who I was, and had long since banished fears that I would one day wake up straight. But! Butbutbut. I had my first kiss/make out session and it was totally a validating experience. It was like, "Oh my god, I was right, this is awesome." And I'll admit, I was a little more secure in it after that. I wasn't insecure before, I was just... extra-secure after, if that makes sense? Haha. So I think you can totally be comfortable with yourself before you get into any of that, but it's not like kissin'/sexytimes don't help further that identity or anything. I can't speak for the sex part of that since that hasn't happened for me yet, but I figured it was still applicable.
Definitely NOT true. That would imply that homosexuality is is a purely sexual attribute only. I remember reading somewhere (and this made total sense to me) that homosexuality is comprised of sexual (physical) attraction, emotional attraction and sexual identity, and a yes answer to your question would imply that only the sexual/physical component matters. This would also suggest that I couldn't consider myself fully gay if for 20 years I only had fantasies about guys but never had sex with one. Wouldn't the fact that I didn't fantasize about girls for 20 years be worth something?
Lets see it from another perspective would you ? Do you think straight people have doubts on the fact they are straight until they have sex with a person from the opposite gender ? Do you think people would have told me when I was 19 "Come on, how can you know you like men, you never had sex with one ?" If that truly was the case, people would be less surprise when their children come out to them. In my opinion it is as stupid to say someone can't know they're gay if they didn't have sex yet with someone of the same gender than to say someone can't say they're straight if they didn't have sex with a person from the opposite gender. People are attracted to who they are attracted to, the fact they act or not upon their attraction is irrelevant to define their sexual orientation.
One word: Nonsense! To know that you are gay or feel attracted to another guy, you don't have to have had sex with a guy. Your sexual orientation is just another part of you. Yeah, it can take time to figure things out and to be truly comfortable but your sexual orientation is a part of you whether you have a sexual experience or not.
No waaaay. For me, beginning to have sex with men helped me realize but it's certainly not a prerequisite for knowing who you are and being comfortable with who you are.
Not true at all. I could never have been with a guy if I wasn't ok with myself. I wanted to be sure I was ok with it before I outed myself, because I didn't want to have to go back and say "Oh, I'm straight I guess." Having a sexual experience with someone does very well validate it though. It's like when you know you're right, and then you finally get real proof. It's awesome to find out how right you were
I think maybe in terms of feeling "fully" gay/lesbian/bi/queer/(the rest of the alphabet), then sexual experience probably plays a part because sex by definition is part of one's sexuality. So I can sort of see a legitimate hierarchicalization (can you tell I'm a sociologist? *grin*) in terms of whether your sexuality has actually been expressed with another human being. But I don't think that necessarily speaks to being comfortable with being gay, although as GhostDog points out, there is something... more about being able to tangibly express oneself as gay/lesbian/bi/queer. In terms of knowing one's own sexuality, I think, like other people have said, requiring sexual experience is bunk. Want to hear an extreme (and ridiculous) variation of what your friend is getting at? I knew a guy who actually ran the gay student group at my university who insisted that a guy wasn't truly gay until he'd had anal sex. And I think he meant had been penetrated. All I can say is "oi vey!"
This is more of a comment and it's something that I have been planning to blog about next. I am currently questioning my sexuality. I claim to be straight, yet I'm not attracted to women. I find men more attractive, yet I don't find all women repulsive. Maybe I'm bi, I don't know! Either way, you don't rush into something because of what your are. If you know you are gay, you don't have to have sex with a man to prove it to yourself or anyone else. Likewise, you don't have to have sex with a women to prove that you don't like it or to see you don't like it and prove your sexuality. Just my thoughts. I'm definitely no expert.
My opinion is that the answer to the question is a lot more nuanced, and it's a topic I feel a certain affinity for right now because I am working with a group of people in the early stages of an evolving documentary project about body image, sexuality, and self-acceptance. I do believe that in order to be completely comfortable with oneself, one has to be pretty open and comfortable with their body, with their sexuality and sexual self, and have a pretty high degree of self-reflection and self-understanding. So I do believe there's a level of self-confidence and comfort that comes from the reassurance, if you will, that you are comfortable and competent in intimate situations with another person. However, I believe that applies equally whether one is straight or gay. It may be a little more difficult to be completely comfortable if one is gay and has not yet had sex, simply because being gay is less mainstream, and so I could see the idea that, in one's head, one might be able to argue that the "answer" about their sexuality isn't definitive until one has experienced gay sex. But on the whole, I think you can definitely be happy and comfortable with your sexuality without having sex... but I do think that there's a deeper level of self-acceptance and understanding that comes from having been intimate with another person. Hope that makes sense.
