Hey everyone! It's been awhile since I've posted on the forums, so I hope you forgive me for my absence. I have a bit of a dillema regarding a relationship that I'm in. I met this guy on an online dating site. He's a nice guy, looks great, well dressed, but I'm afraid that we don't have very much in common. We went out on a first date, and everything was awesome. I had a really great time and couldn't wait to see him again. We started texting alot and had a second date on Saturday. Our second date on Saturday was kind of strange for me because I realized that long term, this relationship is not going to work out. But I'm a bit conflicted because physically I think we're totally compatible, but on a social level we have very little in common. Now things are progressing to which he's kind of aggressively pushing for a third date and is asking me out to see a friend's show this Sunday and wants me to meet his friends. This to me seems like things are moving a bit too fast into boyfriend territory. I just recently came out and started dating, and don't think I want a relationship with him. I think I might have to break it off with him this week. Any advice? Like I said I'm kind of torn because I'm physically attracted to him, but I'm not looking forward to hanging out with him socially again. :help:
Hi there! I don't think meeting his friends for a show would necessarily mean that you move towards boy friend territory. I think it is still dating and trying to get to know each other better before making a stronger commitment to a relationship. In some ways, him wanting to introduce you to his friends is still a part of him (perhaps) wanting to introduce you to his life and what he does and likes. Given that you had a great time and have the feeling that there are some 'connections' and a physical attraction at some level, I think it would be too early to say, 'sorry this is not going to work out.' I think it would be worth exploring what was so 'awesome' on your first date. Although you don't have a lot in common in terms of social things, is there still something that interests you about what he does or what he likes? I think it would be worth to meet his friends and see how he interacts with them, which will also give you a chance to get to know him a little bit better. If after that you still feel this is not going to work out or things seem a bit too strange for you (and they might actually be confirmed or strengthened) then be honest with him and mention that you feel that there is not much in common between the two of you. Hope this helps! (*hug*)
Well... if you two don't have much commonality now, is there any possibility to build commonality by trying different things that you both might enjoy? Or is it a lost cause? Sometimes people just don't mesh intellectually or socially, but I don't know if two dates is really giving someone a chance. You had a great first date, your second date was meh. Perhaps tell him that you would like to continue hanging out with him, but you aren't prepared to commit to anything yet? I think honesty is the best policy in this circumstance.
I think the bigger meta-question is, how do you feel about how everything is progressing? If you feel like things are moving too fast, then it may be that his style is to attach really quickly and deeply, and if that isn't something you feel comfortable with, then it's likely the relationship may not work. On the other hand, he may just be excited and feel a strong connection. What matters is what you're after. I've seen a number of guys who basically try too hard and end up scaring people away by coming on too fast; some are genuinely wonderful people who just don't get the nuances of dating down correctly, while others are very needy types who usually have a difficult time sustaining relationships because they tend to suffocate people. You can try just having a conversation with him and expressing all of your feelings. If he's sensitive to your needs, he should understand the desire to slow things down and take your time before you meet his friends and so forth. The important thing is that you always listen to your own intuition and do what feels right to you... and of course, that's hard when you're just coming out. But fundamentally, taking it slow is a good thing, and giving yourself time to explore what it feels like to start a relationship also makes sense. Hope that helps!
I know that for me the emotional connection would be far more important than the physical attraction, but that's just me. I think it depends on what's important to you in a relationship. However I always say to go with your instincts when it comes to love and relationships, and if your instincts are telling you something isn't quite right, then you might want to listen to them.
I can completely understand what you mean about feeling like the relationship is moving into boyfriend territory to fast, and I would advise that you just talk to him, let him know about your concerns, and make sure that you and he are on the same page. If the first few dates were awesome and you enjoyed his company, you might want to give that a chance before you decide that you don't have enough in common with him, but if it is something more, then listen to your gut.
Hey everyone, thank you for all of the great advice. EC is the best! I think I'm going to go out with him on Sunday and see how that goes. We've already made plans and I really have nothing to lose. James, you make an excellent point. I'm the type of person that needs a strong emotional connection to sustain a relationship. A strong physical attraction is great in the short term but not so great when you have to spend all of your time with someone. Something inside of me is telling me not to get too attached, and I think that I should listen to it. I don't want to make a mistake and get myself into a situation where I end up really hurting this guy. Thanks again everyone for the great insight. I'm going to see how things go on Sunday, but then it might be time to have an honest discussion with him about expectations.
I think this is something important to listen to. I think taking the approach "lets see what happens on Sunday" is good because people can change or you will see a different side of them in different situations. For a relationship to work, you need an emotional as well as a physical attraction. Although you have the physical part, I would agree that without the emotional part, it would make it difficult to sustain or build a lasting relationship. But keep in mind that as we get to know people better, our feelings whether they be physical or emotional can change. Getting to know him better will allow you to judge your feelings in a better context and you will be able to come to a better understanding about your feelings for your date. Have fun on Sunday!
