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So why is it such a big deal?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by GhostDog, Mar 15, 2010.

  1. GhostDog

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    I'm not so sure I am looking for support or advice so much as... input? Thoughts? Something.

    I was driving back home with my mother tonight, and she'd mentioned that my coming out was rather a surprise to her. And, as supportive as she's been, she still thinks it is something I could get rid of if I wanted. She has never told me I should, rather that I should do what makes me happy, but she doesn't think it's an irrevocable state of being.

    And I told her that, basically, I don't believe that at all, but all I know is that the year following my coming out has been the happiest damn year of my life. That before, I was utterly miserable, feeling like the person everyone saw was not me at all. I always felt like my friends were friends with somebody who wasn't me at all. Like "Kirah" was the name given to this mask I wore and I couldn't get rid of. I had an overwhelming sense of impersonating something, somebody else. Even as a child. Even though I didn't know for sure why that was until college. And even then, coming to terms with it kept me up at night, crying and pulling at my own hair, and incredibly distracted in classes. It was an all-pervasive struggle.

    And after I figured it out and accepted it, I felt whole. Kirah was me, finally. It's been the first time in my life I've been happy with myself really at all.

    But I have no idea why it should have been such a big deal. Why should one element of who I was being out of whack with my identity had such a hugely negative impact on my life up to this point? Thinking about it after, I sounded like I was exaggerating, but I really wasn't. I was miserable. I'd been so depressed, so long, I didn't know I had been depressed until I was actually happy with myself. This really has been the best year of my life to date.

    Is it that we're so inundated with the idea that happiness and success in life is, in part, finding love and romance? That we're so bombarded with imagery of what love and sex should be like, that feeling like you don't respond to it like you should makes you feel like you're not part of the same world as everyone else? That when all of your friends are in the pursuit of the other sex, your own indifference to it makes you feel like you're not at all the same as them? Or could it something else?

    I just really don't know why I spent my formative years feeling so out of sorts with myself that it took me until college just to feel like I was a whole person. Why should missing one piece have had so much of an impact on me? Particularly when I didn't know it was missing in the first place? I'm glad I am where I am now, and you couldn't shove me back in the closet with a hot poker, but I do wonder why it was such a big frickin' deal for so long.

    Anyway, this is just me pondering, and wondering if anyone has anything to say on the matter! (But I did think it might have been a little emo for Chit Chat, so I put it here. Feel free to move it if y'all think it's inappropriate here. =P) What have your experiences been like?
     
  2. Mirko

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    Hi there! First, (*hug*)

    It sounds like that although your mum is supportive that at some level she is still trying to accept it all and trying perhaps be learn to say to herself "yes, I have come out as well and I can support and acceptit all not only on the outside but also on the inside."

    As Becky would say, parents have to come out to. In some ways, your mum is going through that acceptance stage. She knows that this is you and that your sexual orientation is only a small part of you and that you haven't changed. Letting her know that your coming out has had and still has a positive impact on you and how you relate to others can only help her.

    Now that is the most important part in this. And this is all that your mum needs to know and perhaps also hear more often from you. After all, the most important thing on this earth is not with whom you fall in love, or what your sexual orientation is but that you are happy with your surroundings and more importantly, with yourself, where you can stand in front of the mirror and say out loud "I am happy, I like myself," smile and walk away.

    All parents have dreams and expectations for their children. In all likelihood, your mum is still realigning all of her dreams and expectations of what the future will look like. Your mum is still in the process of creating the new dreams about what the future is going to look like. In mentioning what you did and also 'reminding' your mum that you are happier and can move on in your life, will help her to realign her dreams. (*hug*)
     
  3. Geradeth

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    I like where you're going with this line of questioning... why is it such a big frickin' deal?
    Off the top of my head I'd think it might have something to do with how society puts such a stigma on being gay, yet is always telling you to "just be yourself". How could that not confuse a person?

    Maybe that alone isn't enough to cause allot of damage, but a derogatory remark here, having to keep the secret there, homophobia, shots at self confidence, etc, etc and it all adds up to death by a thousand cuts....

    I too would like to think that my sexuality is only a small part of my identity, but I also wouldn't be able to deny the grief it's caused me either.

    Fascinating question... or did I completely miss the point?
     
  4. RaeofLite

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    Geradeth has some valid points. Simply by not being open and being able to speak your mind like most [straight] people do, can do a negative number for your self confidence and self esteem. I would know. I remember after I came out, I too felt that I had the happiest year. :slight_smile: Even though it wasn't easy at some points (and still isn't sometimes with the odd homophobe), it's worth it because I am damn happy. I have supportive friends, my family is starting to come around, I feel loved... and dammit, why shouldn't I deserve happiness like all the straight people are able to have?

    I remember feeling 'a hole' in my soul when I was wondering why I didn't connect with guys. I thought maybe it was the 'type' of guy I was dating. And no... it wasn't because I dated some pretty nice guys. And I did mix it up with a variety of backgrounds, personality types etc. I just didn't 'click' with them like other women did. And I kept feeling a longing to be with women even while in a relationship with a dude. And over the past year and a half, I've realized why.

    Maybe if you told your mom what you posted here, she'd realize that even though it's only "a part" of you, that it's pretty damn precious to you and essential to your overall happiness.

    Just be you. You deserve your slice of the happiness pie too. :grin:
     
  5. adam88

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    Wow, Kirah. You summed it up perfectly. I know exactly how you feel.
     
  6. GhostDog

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    Nah, got it spot on! I'm just thinking, hey, I like making art, writing stories, hanging out with friends, listening to good tunes, going on road trips, dancing like a complete moron... Oh and also I like women. It's just one part of a larger thing! But not knowing it/having trouble coming to terms with it disrupted my emotional stability for a solid five years there. I mean, it got to the point where I was having trouble doing my schoolwork, it was that distracting. =/

    Oh man, I am totally with you there on the not being able to be open. I remember that deep ache every time I'd have to lie to someone, even in small ways. "Oh, I'm sure you'll find a boyfriend someday!" "Uh. Sure." Or like being asked about my ideal type of man, haha. >.> That was awkward.

    Also yeah on that hole thing! Not that I dated more than one guy (and even then, that barely lasted) but that's a good description. I didn't feel whole for some reason! I always felt like I was missing something, even when I didn't know what it was. I just find it strange how hugely it affected me for so many years!
     
  7. Geradeth

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    You too huh? My mom is always on me to find a girlfriend. Whenever she asks about it I just say I'm not interested, but then kick myself for not going just a little farther and saying "actually, I'd rather have a boyfriend". *sigh* at least she's not too pushy about it...
     
  8. GhostDog

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    Oh lord, my coming out was partly to keep me from biting my parents' heads off any time they said stuff like that. I came home late one night and my dad asked, "Been boy-watching?" and I snapped, "NO." It just bugged the crap outta me! They've asked me since if I had any potential lady-friends, though I do find that kind of question isn't nearly as frequent as the boyfriend questions used to be. Ah well, at least they don't ask me about boys anymore. =P

    And I did actually get asked to describe my ideal man in a class once. Most awkward experience I've had in a class in a long time. All the other girls described hairy mountain man and the most I could manage to say is, "Uh. Clean?" They laughed and said I mustn't have very high standards, to which I replied, "My standards are elsewhere." Which is 100% true. >.>

    But I've definitely been there. It's incredibly annoying!
     
  9. RaeofLite

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    :lol:
    Yep, I can relate. I can even relate to snapping at several points with a sharp, "NO" and annoyed glare. This was mostly before I was out though so mom probably didn't realize why exactly... But I have to say, give it time. Your mom knows about your sexual orientation and it'll take time. If you've given her books or websites on the subject of coming out, PFLAG materials or something of the like then you've done your part. She just has to work through things too.

    For my mom, she had to realize that I've struggled a long time with it, and that I didn't want to break her heart. I just wanted to continue to be her loving daughter. She asked me questions on how I knew when she was comfortable and I told her I knew the same way she knew when she looked at guys and that jolt of energy would be there.

    If your mom has seen you grow in your happiness, she probably realizes that as a mom "whatever makes you happy" is what matters. And maybe.. have a chat with your mom if she brings anything up or you want to get something off her chest. I'm sure she loves you.

    I'm sure once you start dating women she'll see you even more happier and how much it means to you. I know my mom did. Now it's 11 months after I officially came out to her and she's starting to ask about my girlfriend.
    ^_^

    Sorry if I rambled, but... I would say go for it. And when you're ready, try dating. :slight_smile: :thumbsup:
     
  10. Geradeth

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    "My standards are elsewhere" :lol: Priceless!!

    Well, if you don't mind me sharing; my most awkward experience was defenitly last year when I was in a meeting with two of the (male) partners at the firm I was working at. Firm partners, not romantic partners.... Anyways, one of them looked out the window and saw a woman walking down the street and they both started commenting on how hot she was and asked if I agreed. I just kinda froze, I didn't know what to do. For one, I thought it was kinda inappropriate to be disusing in a professional capacity, but for two, I had to say something, he was my boss. Hoping the pause to think hadn't been too long I finally managed to say "ahhh, not my type". But then he asked me "oh, well what is you're type?" *gaaaaaa!:eusa_doh:*

    I made something up (I can't remember, I hope is was convincing) and hurried back to my desk as soon as etiquette allowed. I wish now that I could have said "actually, I like the dude walking next to her" but at the time I would not have dared.

    Anyways, I think you handled it better though; a class full of peers must have been pretty intimidating!!
     
  11. Gosaints

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    Well im not out to my parents XD sorry i coudnt help you :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
     
  12. Filip

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    I think that for me, part of the reason why it was such a big deal was because lying about something makes it feel like a secret. In some cases a dirty little secret. And in the end, even if you know it shouldn't be a big deal, you can't really think about it as anything else but a dirty little secret.
    Especially if said secret is an integral part of you, then you can't end up feeling dirty yourself.

    Also, lying tends to stress people out. Looking back, I'm having the impression I felt in a war zone, shell-shocked, constantly looking out to dodge the next attack. Any attention to social interaction was on some level split between conversation and looking out not to out myself. After I came out, I finally felt like I could enjoy things without constantly being on the lookout for accidentally outing myself. Applying all of your attention to just having fun is pretty nice. I never knew it was possible beforehand xD

    At least for me that was at the core of it. The idea of love and romance factored into it, but when I felt happy about coming out it was never about the idea of being open about love and romance and more about not constantly being paranoid...

    Oh, and your mother does sound a bit like my mother. When I came out, she tried to convince me me it's OK to sometimes take the easy way instead of the hard way. By easy way she obviously meant just going along with expectations and just be straight. I should probably tell her that being myself IS the easy way...
     
  13. Jim1454

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    Why is it such a big deal? I think we all learn early in life that it isn't good to be different. And when I was growing up, I'm not sure I even really understood or had a concept of what 'gay' was. So from junior public school right through to my mid 30s I always had a sense that I was a round peg in a square hole.

    And that's a long time. Having that feeling wears on you.

    I hope that by supporting young people here in EC that it STOPS being such a big deal. By coming out to people I know and offering myself as an example to others that it stops being such a big deal. Because you're right - it shouldn't be such a big dea.
     
  14. Gambit

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    I think it is a big deal because accepting that you're not straight is very very scary (well, it is very scary for me).why? First, you have no idea how your parents and friends are gonna react after u come out to them. You have no idea if they are gonna support you or not. This is extremely scary because u dont want to lose the people you love. Secondly, it changes some of the plans you had for yourself for the future. Changing your goals and dreams can be very difficult some times. For example, I have always wanted to have 4 kids and name one charlie. But now that i finally accepted that i like guys more than i like girls, makes my plan of having children more difficult. Giving up this dream has been very hard for me. Thirdly, you have no idea whether the decision you are gonna take is going to make you happy. All these doubts scares you and make coming out a big deal. I'm telling you this becuase i'm feeling them right now. Im still trying to figure out what the heck i'm; but considering been gay scares me a lot for the reasons i've mentioned.
    Sorry for the poor grammar, but im tipping this from my ipod at 3 am
     
  15. amberger

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    Agreed with all of the above.
    Of course who you're with makes an impact on your identity. It is a huge part of who you are. And I also see why you have been so unhappy for so long. I mean, you have been lying to yourself. That doesn't make anyone happy! But now that you've freed yourself, I truly believe you will start to heal, and be happier. For a long time, i struggled with boys. They either rejected me, or I didn't like them back. In my case, I think a lack of a mother around did shove me in the ol' lesbian direction. Now that I have come to terms with myself, i am a lot happier. No more lying about having a 'boyfriend'! If you ask me, i will tell you that I am not straight. I've learned to not let people judge me. It's my life, I'm probably more happier than the people who make discriminatory remarks. I am no longer searching for my 'Kirah'. Over time, your mother will come to respect it. It still may be a shock to her. She might be angry, hurt, and confused with it. You have to be patient with her though, since she does not know the lifestyle or all the feelings that come with it. It only takes time. Just continue being you, and being happy!!
    (*hug*)
     
  16. Gaetan

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    One of the deepest instinct of human nature is companionship. Most of us prefer to be around other humans, or at least a few we trust. And, deeper than that, are our sexual urges (ie, mostly to procreate and pass our genes). So, when those deep carnal urges of companion and sex don't correlate, the very foundation of ourselves is on shaky ground.

    It's a simple, single thing about ourselves. It shouldn't be a big deal at all--but it is. It's because, in one way or another, who we are attracted to does factor into every aspect of our lives and our interactions with other people. That is why, once you come to terms with it, everything makes so much more sense.