I've come out to my mom, sisters, friends, and a few relatives. The only real big hurdle is my dad. He can't stand gays. The other day he was talking about how he is glad I'm not gay because if I was then he doesn't know what he would do. He also said he thinks of gays as drug users who only want sex. How can I change his views?
How can you change his views? By being yourself. Showing your parent that you're not like some stereotype of 'evil incarnate being' can make a difference.
Hi there! Do you live at home? If you do, and you feel and know that your coming out to your dad won't go over well, maybe wait until you move out. How is your relationship with your dad? Is it a strong one? I think the crucial thing here is going to be education. Although it might be hard, but you are the best person to educate your dad. You are the best example of that being gay is not synonymous with drug users and just wanting sex. By showing him that you are not changing and that you are not what he thinks gays are, you are already going against his beliefs. People can change, when they are confronted with a different reality. Sometimes it takes a while before change happens but at some point it might very well happen. I think it would be good if you would talk with your mum about coming out to your dad, and listen to how she would feel about it or what she has to say. If you already have her support and that of your sisters as well maybe talk with them about what could help in educating your dad about what it actually means to be gay.
I wish I could offer you some jewel of wisdom, but I'm in a similar situation and I also don't know what to do. I have a strong need to come out to my parents, but they are both quite anti-gay and I can't see how it will go well. So then the question is, if you suspect or know it's not going to go well, do you still come out anyway? I think there are lots of components to that answer. For one, as Mirko said, it makes a big difference whether or not you are dependent on them, i.e. you're living at home. In that case, you might want to wait. It also comes down to a balance of the strength and qualities of your current relationship with your dad versus your need to be honest with the world - where is the pull greater? If it's becoming harder and harder for you to keep up the lie and to hear derogatory things from your dad, you might eventually have no choice but to come out and confront him, even knowing the risks. And then there's the matter of your own mental well-being - what will happen if he acts out on his attitudes towards gays on you? I mean obviously the story has a happy ending if it turns out he's all talk (and that seems to happen a lot - people can surprise you), but what if this really is who he is? Are you prepared to be belittled or disowned or whatever if things go badly? How psycholgically strong and independent are you? As I said I have no answers because that's where I am too, but at least these are some things to think about.
Well, the best way to change someone's steriotyplical view on a group of people is to have them get to know them. You're gay, do you only want sex? You're Dad doesn't know what he would do, well then maybe it is time for him to find out what he'll do.
Do you have any gay friends you could introduce your father to? Though I could imagine you mightn't you'd want them to meet him, but it could help.
he should understand that you are the same guy that u were before he knew you were gay, he just now knows that your gay, and if he can understand that then you shoudl have no problems whatsoever with him. But.... if he is gonna have a problem, its gonna be a diffucult process but with everyone by your side youll get thru it hope i helped
Ouch. The harshest thing I recall my father saying not long before I came out was "They should all be shot." Pretty messed up. When I came out to him (sans bullet-proof vest =P), it seemed like he didn't know what to say, and I like to think that his confusion pushed him to do something useful in the moment, which was give his scared-shit son a hug. Have the rest of your family there for support?
