I hate my coming out story

I have no experience in this, so sorry if it seems convoluted but. . .talking it out and trying to get closure sounds like a good idea. But you need to approach this situation with a level head. Being in love is nice but losing it is a downright pain. But it is something many of us will have to go through, and after all as the saying goes, it is better to have loved and lost than not to love at all. It's cheap, I know, but it does apply here. Also, your coming out story, although not ideal (although not many do get an ideal out story), is much better many others. There are those who don't get support from loved ones or are even shunned for who they are. My coming out story, (which reminds me I should update status), is less than. . .less than. . .(I'll just stick with) ideal.

Try not to over dramatise the current situation but rather try to just accept things as they are than to run away from them. Hopefully you can sort out your differences with him and move on. I'm assuming you have also tried talking to close friends, including those who know both him and you. They have the ability to offer great support, you just need to persevere through it. Good luck.

 

Hey Liam, I'm sorry that things haven't gone perfectly for you! (*hug*)

Let me suggest that you not confuse your coming out with what happened in the relationship. If you can step back from your current situation you might see that these are two different things, and they have gone somewhat differently. I actually think your coming out went well by the sounds of it. People took it well, and that's how it should go. You should be commended for coming out and for getting your life to a place where you can move forward with being yourself.

Then there's the relationship, and clearly that didn't go as well. But first of all that had little to do with your coming out, even if it was the coming out that triggered it. Remember that gay people and straight people alike experience love problems in their lives, and it always hurts when things go wrong. It's a natural human instinct to want to blame it on something that happened coincidentally, but that's just you looking for a target to take out your frustration and pain.

I think you need to deal with this loss of a relationship on its own, separate from your coming out. What really sucks here is that your first relationship after coming out ended badly. But take a look at how many straight people (who don't have to come out) have their first relationships end in heartache. I'd say it's probably most, because most people don't find their true loves on the first go around. So don't blame it on your coming out, don't blame it on being gay - this happens to many if not most people, and it hurts many if not most people just as much as you're hurting right now.

As for how to get over a broken heart, there are others here who have far better advice than I can offer. Time really is a healer, but you need to ride through the pain you're feeling right now for that to even make sense. And no experience in life is a total loss - everything gets incorporated into who you are going forward, good and bad. File this one under "things I've learned not to do again" and move forward, because that's how life works. Eventually when you're with your second or third or fourth boyfriend and he really is "the one", you'll be able to look back at this in perspective and see how it fits into the ups and downs of your life's story.

So I'll help to share some of your pain (*hug*). It hurts now, but it will get better.

 

First of all, (*hug*). It’s sad to hear that your first BF broke up with you. However, never forget that forever is a very long time. Breaking up hurts, and I don’t want to belittle that. But in a way it’s also like hitting your foot on a swinging door. At the moment the pain is so intense that it literally becomes your whole world and everything else pales in comparison. You’re left wondering how anything could become alright afterwards. But then, inevitably, the pain passes and you manage to go through life like before. And you probably learned something from it as well (like: don’t walk barefooted past swinging doors, in my “toe” example )

And likewise, you learned from this relationship. You might not notice it now because you’re still hit hard by the breakup, but next time you meet someone, you’ll be able to see things clearer because of what you went through before. Unfortunately, falling in love with the first gay guy who comes along after coming out is pretty common. After all, they’re the ones that seem to understand immediately and be there the most. I guess your ex felt bad about it too, in his way. Even if he didn’t show it to you. However, people do get over it, and usually go on to have healthier relationship afterwards.

So you didn’t lose anything really. You gained some real-life experience! And that’s nothing to sneeze at. Real life is unfortunately messier than romantic stories of meeting the right person right away and falling in love forever. Relationships in real life are unfortunately not intuitive and are prone to messing up, especially if it’s the first time you get into any situation like it. But it will make you stronger in the end!

And also don’t forget that you have the support and acceptance of all the other people you came out to! You didn’t just come out to find a boyfriend. I don’t doubt that you also came out to be more yourself, and to get rid of that feeling of having to hide. By coming out you improved your other friendships, which is yet another win for you.

Just don't take any rash decisions. Cutting off everyone who even knows him is really "the nuclear option" here. Your friends are defined by more than knowing this one guy. It's tempting to avoid dealing with the pain at all, but often the only way out is through. And if you don't want them to mention him, then just say so. I'm sure they'll see you just want some distance. Try to see them as shoulders to lean on, instead of people who remind you of him.

In short: yes, it hurts now, but trust me, it will get better soon! You really gained more by coming out than you allow yourself to see now.
(*hug*)

 

Coming out isn't supposed to be about an admission ticket into the gay community. I mean, it can be one, most definitely. But that's not the point in coming out. The point is to simply not live the lie anymore, and be accepting about who and what you are. And you've apparently done that.

As for the guy, the best thing is to be open about it all. Tell your friends (and the "gay community") that you like them, and like hanging out with them, but that you fell way too hard, way too fast for this guy. And as such, you're still getting over him, and you're trying to minimize contact because of it. Everybody should understand that, including him. Stick with hanging out with one or two friends, doing non-social things (watch movies or play video games at home, for instance).

Lex

 

Hey - sorry your journey has ended up differently than mine. I can't allow myself to fall for anyone yet so it's been a bit different for me.

I don't understand what you mean by coming out to your ex-boyfriend. If he was your boyfriend, didn't he already know you were gay?

In any event, I hope counseling is going well for you and that you are finding it helpful.

In the meantime, (*hug*)

 

Like with everyone else I agree with them. I am sorry that things didn't work out for you and your bf.

Things happen for a reason, you grow from it and later on you will find another guy for you. Accept life as it is, it is not always going to work out they you want it to <- sorry if that sounds bitchy.

 

Well, it always pays to look at the alternative. If you hadn't come out, you might have been really unhappy about not being able to be yourself. About how people expected you to be something you're not. It wouldn't have been this pain, but it might have been a different pain alltogether.

And sometimes bad experiences alow us to grow too. The alternative is living in a bubble all your life. Sure, you never get any bad experiences that way, but you also never really get any good ones either. And often learning from the bad experiences is what leads us to the good stuff.

You're talking about this relationship as if it was your one single shot at one. However, there's no reason to believe that this is the end. A lot of the time, relationships go awry. Often it is not even really anyone's fault. But if you're willing to learn from that, then there's bound to be a next rlationship that does work. Tasting how great it all is shouldn't be cause for throwing your hands in the air and shouting "I'll never have that again!". Instead it should be an incentive to overcome the pain and search out new people.

Because, even if you're hurting right now, when you meet someone new to love, all the pain will be forgotten in an instant. And you'll see that even the bad things led up to something better than you had before!
(*hug*)

 

As many people have shared here, the first relationship is often very, very powerful. And it isn't even so much the person who makes it powerful, but the fact that it's the first relationship.

Being gay and in the closet in a straight world meant that most of us held back and didn't experience many emotions and experiences that our straight peers did in highschool. We didn't date. We didn't have crushes on people. We didn't date, 'go steady', break up, etc. Only when we finally come to terms with our orientation and 'allow' ourselves to consider a same sex relationship do those emotions come to the surface and expose themselves. And often there is such a flood of emotion that it is quite powerful and overwhelming. Quite often (certainly in my case) the other person wasn't anyone to be that excited about. But it was the situation that excited me.

Time really does heal. As time goes on, your world will naturally expand to include more people and more places and more interests. And as a result the opportunities to meet people will expand too. You won't be limited to the few people in your home town. And as the pain from this experience fades, it won't be so bad to see your ex, or people who remind you of him.

If you want to chat more about this one on one, feel free to send me a PM.

 

You might not see it like this right now, but you've made it too far to turn back. You've accumulated both good and bad things from this experience. Don't throw away the good with the bad.

You said it was all his gain and all your loss. But you did gain something from this - a future of being yourself openly and honestly. You got the difficult coming out part over with! And he certainly did lose something in this experience - you. You sound like you're worth a whole lot more than he deserves.

Since someone else mistreated you, maybe this would be a good time to treat yourself. Go to a spa or get a massage. Surprise a friend or family member by taking them out for a lavish dinner, your treat. Go shopping and buy something totally frivolous for yourself. Show yourself that while he might have dumped you, you're still your own best friend and you care about yourself more than enough to make up for his loss.